MONDO EXTRAS

It strikes me as quite ridiculous how much time they took out just to drive to the ship's doctor's grandmother's funeral. Man, when the ship's newspaper (well, The Transporter is more of a 'zine than a newspaper, I guess) uncovers this scandal, all those people in astrometrics are going to be like, "THAT was why we had to miss our Conference on Doohickies and Thingamabobs? Fuck Dr. Crusher! And you know, fuck her grandmother as well! Well, actually, we've heard there's quite a bit of that going around already." Yeah, The Transporter's quite a good rag actually; Ensign Crusher's got his own blogspace (wesleycrusher.net) there. He frequently writes about how he and his pilot troupe performed on Vega and killed there. WCDN also has a running count of many times Cpt. Picard passes him in the corridors without noticing him, and the play-acting ensign likes to muse about how he sees stars crying outside his window and he gets sad.

Dr. Bev sleeps with one of Nana's diaries while the unlit lamp flashes impotently. An unseen hand pulls the covers down from her body. See, now that would annoy me. I have to have the covers pulled right up to and over my shoulders and if anything manages to move them away from their desired location, I tend to bellow maniacally in my sleep. Or so I've been told. In her sleep, Dr. Bev gets this look of ecstasy on her face and wriggles in her sleep. A scary voice whispers, "Behehehvahrly!" Dr. Bev jolts awake, gasps a bit, and touches herself. No, not like that! Well, not yet anyway. She just sort of grabs at her neck through her granny nightgown where the scary voice's unseen hand was probably caressing her.

Ten Forward. Girl talk. Dr. Bev describes her dream to Troi, who just says, "You dreamt you were in bed with someone?" Dr. Bev pulls one bent knee up close to her chest as she sits at a table and explains, "Not exactly. I was in bed, but there wasn't another person in my dream -- it was more like a presence." Troi points out that Dr. Bev said she "felt a touch." "A pair of hands. They felt like they were moving across my skin," and Dr. Bev illustrates this by moving her hands down her bend leg. "Like a caress?" Troi asks. Dr. Bev says yes, and also talks about the man's voice who called out her name: "It was like I knew him, or more like he knew me." Dr. Bev cocks her head at Troi: "He knew exactly how I like to be touched." Troi's eyes bug at this, and the Evil Dr. Mathra retches loudly from the study. He's still in denial that I decided to recap this episode. Amazingly, Dr. Bev simps on that it was "the most physical dream [she] ever had." Dr. Bev smiles coquettishly and says, "The sensations were very real." She pauses and looks around. "And very arousing." GROOOOOSSSSSS! Troi laughs, "I'm envious!" Oh, go eat some chocolate, Deanna. Dr. Bev admits that she did fall asleep reading a "particularly erotic chapter in [her] grandmother's journal." Okay, there are SO many things wrong with that sentence -- the most major one being that "grandmother" and "erotic" should never be seen, written or SAID together! Dr. Bev says that her grandmother wrote in graphic detail about all her experiences with Bonin. And she still had the stomach to keep reading? "Well, that's bound to cause a dream or two," Troi says briskly, and suggests they get back to the personnel reports. "You know, I think he had a ring on one of his hands," Dr. Bev adds, touching the back of her neck. "When he touched my shoulders...my neck. I wonder if I'll have another dream tonight." "I'd read two chapters!" Troi counsels, and snickers. Dr. Bev continues touching the back of her neck as she sips her drink contemplatively. This is where Riker would confine himself to Holodeck Two until further notice, but it's where I confine myself to the inner workings of my toilet until further notice.

In Nana's house, Troi looks at a framed photo and remarks over Nana's incredible green eyes. THIS WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER. Dr. Bev turns from where she's tending the fire and comments, "Every Howard woman has had green eyes. Except my mother and me." At Troi's prodding, Dr. Bev admits that she remembers her mother very well, but mostly she remembers Nana, who raised her after her mother died. At this point, Dr. Bev picks up a metal lamp and runs her hand over the flame. Rather than denouncing it as the faux-Bombay Pier 1 dented knock-off that it is, Troi exclaims, "That's bee-yoo-tiful!" and walks over to take a closer look. Dr. Bev explains that it's an heirloom and has been in the clan for generations: "It's supposed to symbolize the enduring Howard spirit -- wherever they may go, the shining light is to guide them through their fortune." Yeah, their orgasmic fortune. Dr. Bev says that Nana always kept it lit, and she remembers listening to ghost stories by the light of it. So, were these sexy ghost stories, Beverly? Dr. Bev plans to bring the Pier 1 incense burner back to the ship with her. Troi leaves Dr. Bev to her memories. Dr. Bev wraps herself in a (stained) afghan and starts reading Nana's diary. She goes upstairs. In walks Groundskeeper Willie, who snatches up the lamp and blows it out. Dr. Bev comes running downstairs and snatches it back and orders him out of her house. "I wouldnna be so high and mighty with me, Beverly Howard Crusher -- I've spent more time here in the past five years than ye have in the past twenty!" Groundskeeper Willie accuses, and says he looked after her grandmother and her affairs. Dr. Bev disputes this, retorting that her nana never mentioned him. "Oh, there's lotsa things she dinna talk about. Let me get rid of that damn candle!" Groundskeeper Willie tries to wrest the candle from Dr. Bev. Dr. Bev won't let him, even though Willie says the candle brought nothing but bad luck to her nana. They argue and struggle and Dr. Bev refuses to hand over her family orgasms without a sweaty fight that may or may not involve spanking and water games. She again orders Groundskeeper Willie out, and he fires a parting shot about stubborn Howard women and how he washes his hands of all of them. Dude, after what we learn, I'd wash my hands as well.

On the ship, Data and Geordi help the governor with his weather control systems. The snouty governor bitches about his afternoon tea being interrupted by ground tremors. It seems that there's some odd business going on with unscheduled storms in the summer, so Data and Geordi decide to investigate. I think it would be awful to have your weather so predictable and regulated -- so boring, so unnatural. And yes, I'm saying that even after an unpredicted blizzard nearly trapped us in the Sierras last week. I just think you shouldn't screw with Mother Nature -- I don't care how technologically advanced you are. The governor gets all huffy in his sage green chenille cardigan about a Caber Toss the day that would be ruined by an unexpected downpour. Yes, it's Scottish, WE GET IT!

Carrying Nana's personal diaries, Dr. Bev tells Picard that he wouldn't believe what she's been reading about in her Nana's deepest and most personal entries. "You know she had a lover? Do you believe that? Nana was a hundred years old!" Dr. Bev squees, marveling over her aged relation's wet dreams, afternoon delights, and S&M fantasies made painfully real. Picard makes some comment about the Howard women having healthy libidos. I REALLY think there's more to being healthy than just the old lady's libido. "I certainly hope so. After all, I hope I can find a handsome young man in his thirties when I pass the century mark," Dr. Bev simps. Picard is shocked, SHOCKED. "Thirties!?" Dr. Bev confirms this and holds up a stack of diaries, saying, "His name is Ronin and he's thirty-four years old. They met just after my great-grandmother's death. I think I saw him at the funeral -- a handsome young man tossed a camellia onto her grave." Dr. Bev thinks it's weird -- since they evidently spent all their time together -- that her grandmother never mentioned him. I think Ronin sounds like a condom brand and, as appropriate as that is, I like "Bonin" better. Picard assures Dr. Bev that they're going to be orbiting the colony for awhile, so she will have time to put Nana's affairs in order. Dr. Bev thanks him and goes into her quarters. Alone in the corridor, Picard raises his eyebrow to his non-existent hairline and says, "Thirties!" He's so cute.

Not Scotland. Brandishing lavender, or heather, or what have you, Dr. Bev returns to her grandmother's grave. Groundskeeper Willie is there, keeping the grounds, and he gripes that he'll get out of her way. Dr. Bev begs him to stay and apologizes for her earlier rudeness. She now knows from Nana's diaries that Groundskeeper Willie was a true friend. Between the sheets, because he's not just a Scotsman by birth, he's a Scotsman ALL over. I have no idea what I mean by that. Dr. Bev is dramatically draped in a woolen cape thing, and also seems to be wearing a long tweed walking skirt and heeled boots. Because that's what they wear on a fake Scottish colony. She invites Groundskeeper Willie to stay at Nana's house and look after it in her absence. "Wheeel, that's very kind a'you, lass, but I'll ne'er set foot in that house again. And I recommend that you dinna either," Groundskeeper Willie forbodes without actually giving her any real information. Groundskeeper Willie says it's like he told her grandmother: the house is haunted. Haunted with sex. The wind picks up, and Dr. Bev clutches her highland cape around her and wonders what ever could he mean. "Jes' dunna light that candle!" Groundskeeper Willie warns. He rants on that the candle will bring the ghost who lives in it: "Oh, he's out now -- wandering across the land. Angry, angry at being driven oot -- that's why he's bringing tha' storms." Dr. Bev thinks Groundskeeper Willie is imagining things. "Think what you want, see what you want -- jes' do what I say: dinna light that candle and dinna go in that hoose or before ye know it, I'll be burying another Howard in this cemetery!" Groundskeeper Willie leaves. Dr. Bev clutches at herself as green lightning flashes. Sex lightning. She looks down at Nana's grave and sees that is it suddenly totally grown over with a white camellia bush. Camellia bush of sex. If you want me to stop now, you better close the browser window and never look back. Dr. Bev whirls around and dashes out of the cemetery, but not before whirling around a few more times, spreading her cape out and clutching it back again, to look at the grave. Yes, Beverly, we all know that you direct plays on the ship -- just drop the drama already.

On the ship, Worf reports the funny business going on with the weather around the planet. On screen, Riker and Picard observe the green mists engulfing the planet. "That's one helluva thunderstorm," Riker offers. Picard tells Engineering to do something about it. Data and Geordi come back with some technoweatherbabble and Picard tells them to "make it so." DRINK! I know I am.

Not Scotland. Dr. Bev enters Nana's house to find it completely filled with pink camellia bushes. Dr. Bev swirls and whirls around and acts like a freak. A sex freak. The door slams shut behind her and there are footsteps upstairs. Dr. Bev calls out to whoever it is. She thinks it's Groundskeeper Willie. No answer. More banging. Ah, too easy. The camera follows her at that nauseating someone-is-carrying-the-camera-to-make-it-seem-more-scary/crazy/tense/Iron Giant angle. A mirror starts to bang itself on the wall.

Enterprise directs some sort of beam at the green goo surrounding the planet. And, unsurprisingly, not much happens.

Troi rings Dr. Bev's quarters and pokes her head in. Troi's wearing that atrocious Tae Kwan No outfit made of white terrycloth so thick, it must've hampered any and all graceful movements girlfriend tried to namaste. Dr. Bev looks up from where she's tending a new planting of camellias in her rooms, and says she's going to skip their Mok'Bara class because she's exhausted. Spare me, Dr. Ruth. Troi steps in and wonders if Dr. Bev had "another dream" last night. "Not exactly," Dr. Bev says, sitting down with a recently plucked (geddit?) camellia and crossing her legs under her granny nightgown and robe. "Is something wrong?" Troi asks. "Not at all," Dr. Bev smugs mysteriously. "Beverly," Troi prods, "if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were seeing somebody!" Dr. Bev just smiles and says, "Deanna." Troi is now convinced she's seeing someone. Dr. Bev insists that she's not "seeing" anyone, she just "met" someone. Troi announces that Dr. Bev has romantic feelings for this person and that Dr. Bev needs to realize that she can't ever fool her. Can you imagine having a friend like Troi? How fucking annoying would that be? She'd know your every mood -- including when you're annoyed that she called in the middle of The Office. Dr. Bev finally cracks and says she met Bonin. "'Bonin'?" Troi repeats and then remembers, "Your grandmother's lover?!" I wish I could explain how she flicks her lips over that word, but there's no way. Dr. Bev nods and admits that it sounds crazy but she's never met anyone like him before. She's never met anyone so... "Passionate?" Troi fills in for her, jaw still ajar. "I can see why Nana fell in love with him," Dr. Bev giggles and admits that she knows it all sounds strange. Strange? No. Sick? Twisted? Repulsive? Incestuous in a way the Dark Ages never imagined? Yes. Troi concedes that it's a bit unusual, but says she's happy for her and gets up to leave. But not before delivering a bit more ship's counselor's advice. She tells Dr. Bev that she and Bonin have both suffered a great loss so they shouldn't mistake sadness for sex. Or mourning for sex. Or a light in a lamp for sex. Or a light in a lamp giving you orgasms in front of your captain for sex. Dr. Bev thanks Troi for her advice and assures her that she's not necessarily in love, she's just intrigued. Troi raises her eyebrows and loudly terrycloths out.

The Governor bitches to Picard about the cold he's caught as they step onto the Bridge to find it misting over with fog. Be a real Scot: drink your way to health. I always wanted to be Scottish. Everyone's concerned. They investigated the thick, green fog and it seems to be coming from Dr. Bev's bedsheets. She could hypospray a cream for that. Or maybe it's just coming from the power transfer beam they've been using on the colony and they're getting a weather backwash. Worf reports below-freezing temps in Ten Forward and a loss of gravity elsewhere. Data starts to disengage the power transfer beam, but can't because of technobabble. He goes somewhere else to take care of it. In the meantime, Picard announces he's going to get his jacket.

Data and Geordi technobabble. They notice Groundskeeper Willie fiddling with stuff under a console. Data yanks him out. "No! Gee away from me! You dinna understand! He's trying to keel us all!" Groundskeeper Willie announces, and goes to futz with more stuff. A green bolt of electricity zaps Willie in the chest and kills him.

Dr. Bev brings her doctor's kit to the scene and confirms that Willie is definitely dead. Dr. Bev finds that some anomalous energy residual is in his body and determines that that's what killed him. Data scans Groundskeeper Willie's body and says that the energy residual matches that of the power fluctuations in the weather control system. Yes, yes, Bonin killed Groundskeeper Willie -- can we get to the part where Dr. Bev stops having imaginary sex? What? That's not until the end of the episode? GIN! Dr. Bev makes arrangements for the body to be brought back to the ship and more tests to be done by a midi-lackey. The Governor wonders why she's not going to perform the tests herself, and without meeting his eyes, Dr. Bev says she has some things to "attend to." Yeah, things like her VAGINA!

Back in Nana's house, Dr. Bev freaks out and calls out for Bonin, saying they have to talk. "I'm here, did you miss me?" Bonin's voice asks. Dr. Bev tells him about the "accident." Bonin already knows. Dr. Bev wonders what happened. "Beverly, there are important things we've got to talk about," Bonin rasps. Dr. Bev insists on knowing what happened to Groundskeeper Willie. Suddenly, this big hand is basically covering Dr. Bev's chin and mouth and twisting her around to face him. It seems a bit violent and attack-like if you ask me, but evidently she gets off on it. Bonin cups Dr. Bev's face and says he needs her help. "It's not easy for me to take corporeal form -- I can't do it for long," Bonin says, leading Dr. Bev to a chair by her cupped face. Oh, I'm sorry, he wasn't leading Dr. Bev to a chair, he was leading himself to a chair while Dr. Bev kneels in front of him. Bonin asks her to light his candle. EW! EW! EW! Dr. Bev repeats what Groundskeeper Willie said about him living in the candle and asks if it's true. It is. "If I'm away from it for too long, I begin to weaken. That's why the women in your family have always...kept the candle lit." Man, you might want to start thinking about Levitra instead of dealing with this runaround. Dr. Bev says she will go and get the candle. Bonin stops her and says he must go with her. "How?" Dr. Bev wonders. Bonin will travel along the power transfer beam. Dr. Bev wonders what happens when she lights the candle. "Then we'll be together...always," Bonin says, and macks on her face. As Bonin backs away, Dr. Bev stands with her mouth still open and her eyes closed. Bonin disappears in a mist. Dr. Bev touches her lips, pushing some hair into the corner of her mouth, and opens her eyes to see that Bonin is gone. She stands there for a moment, trembling and tearful. Get a grip, woman!

In her quarters, Dr. Bev tells the computer to lock her door. She grapples with a phaser and fires it into the candle, lighting it. Dr. Bev then sits on the edge of her bed, knees to her chest, and rocks back and forth. When nothing happens, she jumps up, paces the room for a millisecond, rubs her hands together and perches back on the bed. She rocks. Dude, chill out! "I lit the candle -- where are you?" she whines. She clutches her hands over her face and breathes hard. Suddenly, and again a bit violently, Bonin grabs at her hands over her face from behind and shushes her. Dr. Bev pants and rubs her face on one of his large hands. Bonin says they are together and says he wants to be a part of her, "Would you like that?" "Oh, yes, more than anything!" Dr. Bev says. Bonin repeats that it was the same with her grandmother and great-grandmother and all other Howard women. Like, detailing all the ways you've done her ancestors doesn't exactly sell the romance part, freak show. Bonin pulls the hysterical Dr. Bev to her feet and says he will take care of her and she will feel love like she's never felt it before. Bonin lets go of Dr. Bev and dissolves into a green mist, which then surrounds Dr. Bev and seems to enter her. Dr. Bev rolls onto her bed, eyes closed, and juices into the green orgasmic mist. ["I was told I would regret approving this pitch. I thought Keckler was joking. She wasn't. I just threw up." -- Sars]

Transporter Room. Dr. Bev carefully carries her lit vibrator to the pad with her suitcases. Again, she's dressed like a Highland lass with her auburn hair done up in a low, loose, bun at the nape of her neck. Picard walks in, shakes an e-pad at her, and asks her what the hell it is. "I thought it was self-explanatory -- I'm leaving Starfleet. Energize," Dr. Bev says, that last order for the transporter chief. Picard orders the transchief to belay that order. I want a job where I tell people to belay stuff. The disembodied voice of the transchief says, "Aye, sir!" What scandals and dramas transchiefs must see in their line of work. Picard tells Dr. Bev, pleadingly, that she can't just resign. "I can and I have. I've decided to stay on Not Scotland and become a healer like my grandmother. It's a proud Howard tradition and I've decided to uphold it energize," Dr. Bev recites. Nothing happens. Dr. Bev stares at Picard and says, "I've resigned my commission, so unless you plan on kidnapping me..." Picard reluctantly nods at the transchief, who finally energizes. Picard broods.

In his Ready Room and in front of Livingston, Picard and Troi have a confab. Troi tells Picard all about Bonin and adds that she "senses" Dr. Bev wasn't telling her everything. Picard wonders if Bonin is exerting some sort of influence over Dr. Bev and that she's staying because of him. Troi thinks it's possible. Picard thinks Dr. Bev's decision is rash, ill-considered, and not at all like her. Troi agrees, but argues that the decision was Dr. Bev's to make. Data enters with technobabble about the energy residual found in Groundskeeper Willie's body. They've found a matching signature right where Nana is buried. Geordi and Data investigate.

In a robe and nightie (this one is satin, not granny), Dr. Bev plays with the candle's flame. Yes, yes she does. Bonin sits at her feet and kisses her hands. "I'm so glad you're here," Dr. Bev simps, "I can't imagine what life was like before I met you." Bonin promises it will only get better. Dr. Bev leans back slightly, tips her head up, and spreads her arms. Bonin dissolves into green mist and the mist mounts her. You know, I'll bet many of you out there would like to think I'm kidding, spinning a yarn, exaggerating in that overly dramatic way we recappers like to do for a laugh or a gasp. My friends, the truth of it is, I'm so not.

Dr. Bev rolls back in her chair and moans, "Oh, Bonin -- I had no idea I could feel this way." She pulsates her hips a bit. Still not kidding. Bonin tells her they are nearly merged: "As two candles to form a single light so we will flourish as one." There's a knock at the door. Dr. Bev sort of comes out of her sex haze. "I love you, Beverly," Bonin says. Dr. Bev grins, "I love you..." The door opens and Picard slowly opens the door. Forget everything that came before, this is the really ooky part. We get a Picard view of Dr. Bev climaxing all over her chair. Seriously. She's basically perched on her tailbone with one foot out, flexed, toes curled, and braced against a footstool. Her back is arched and she's quivering and twitching with her eyes closed. This episode is SO TNG's "Corbomite Maneuver." Picard stares at her, takes a quick look around, and says, "Beverly?" Dr. Bev quickly finishes orgasming and jumps to her feet and grabs the candle, clutching her robe around her. I don't think standing up is the wisest idea, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dr. Bev demands to know what he wants. Picard says amicably that he's just there to meet the remarkable Bonin. Dr. Bev pants that Bonin isn't there and says that jealousy doesn't suit him. Picard looks at her closely and asks if she's changed her eye color. Dr. Bev's hands flutter around her eyes and she says, "I just grew tired of the other color -- don't you think it suits me?" Dr. Bev stares at Picard and, for the life of me, I cannot see that her eye color is any different from any other scene in any other episode. Picard says he preferred her and her eyes the way they were before. "Well, this is the way I am now and this is my life. I've made my decision and I'm NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND SO PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE!" Dr. Bev tries to shove Picard. Picard tells her there's more going on with her than just an obsessive love affair. Dr. Bev shakes and twitches. Picard wonders why no one has seen Bonin except for her. Dr. Bev shakes her head and looks like she's about to collapse.

"All right, Captain," Bonin says, coming down the stairs, "here I am. I believe Beverly asked you to leave her alone." Dr. Bev patters wetly to his side. I know he said earlier that it wasn't easy for him to take corporeal form, but time could he try to lose the puffy shirt, overly brocaded waistcoat, and cravat? Picard gives Bonin the third degree about where he came from and how long he's been on the planet. Bonin reasons that all that matters is that he's there now and that he and Dr. Bev plan to be together forever. Before Picard can react, Geordi and Data comm Picard asking permission to exhume Nana's body. Bonin won't allow Picard to go forward with it and threatens to go to the Governor himself. "Go on," Picard challenges, "I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't know who you are. He'll probably have the same questions that I do -- how did you get here? What ship did you come on?" Dr. Bev pleads with Picard to leave her ghost lover alone. Picard ignores her and keeps questioning Bonin. Bonin disappears into mist. Picard reaches out for Dr. Bev and says they have to get out of there. Green bolts zap Picard all over his body and he falls down. Dr. Bev freaks and scans him. Bonin's voice urges Dr. Bev to help him stop the exhumation of Nana. Dr. Bev won't let Picard die. Corporeal Bonin tries to grab at her and Dr. Bev flings him off. Bonin goes to stop Geordi and Data. Picard moves his head, Dr. Bev cries and gives him a hypo. Picard tells Dr. Bev that he's okay and tells Dr. Bev to go to the cemetery. She grabs the lit vibrator and dashes off.

The Enterprise manages to beam Nana's coffin from underground. Geordi and Data open it. As they dither over the anaphasic activity in her body, Nana opens her luridly green eyes and sits up. She reaches out her arms and green-shocks Data and Geordi. "Noooo!" Dr. Bev squalls from the edge of the cemetery. Dr. Bev begs Bonin to stop all this. "Beverly, it's all right, have trust in me," Nana's corpse says. By the way, Nana is the rapping granny in The Wedding Singer. "You're not Nana, Nana's dead. LEAVE HER ALONE!" Dr. Bev screams. Nana collapses back into her coffin, dead again, and Bonin reappears to plead with Dr. Bev from the edge of the cemetery. Dr. Bev figures out that he's been infusing her with the same anaphasic activity that killed Groundskeeper Willie. Bonin tries to promise Dr. Bev more sex but she's not having it. She finally realizes that based on his anaphasology, he's an unstable being and needs an organic host to live. Dr. Bev totally freaks out, accusing Bonin of using her, Nana, and her entire family for centuries in order to live. "AND I LOVED ALL OF THEM!" Bonin bellows, "AND THEY LOVED ME!" Bonin begs for his candle back. "No...no!" Dr. Bev says. Bonin zaps Geordi some more: "Put it down or I will kill him." Dr. Bev lowers the candle. "Set it down and walk away," Bonin pleads, all sad and droopy. Dr. Bev does just that, but as she backs away, she pulls a phaser from Geordi's body and blasts the candle. Bonin screams and kneels by his blasted candle. Dr. Bev comms Riker to close off all the plasma conduits to the weather control systems. Dr. Bev aims the phaser at Bonin and says he has nowhere left to go. "Yes...I do," Bonin says slowly and spreads his arms wide. "Keep away from me," Dr. Bev whispers and blasts him in the chest. Bonin keeps coming. "Beverly, I love you!" He runs at her shouting, "Beverly!" and leaps. Dr. Bev fires at him as he mistifies again. The mist disperses and Dr. Bev clutches her face and drops to her knees, bawling.

Picard logs that Geordi and Data have recovered, but he fears that Dr. Bev's recovery will be more of a "personal nature."

Ten Forward. Girl talk. Dr. Bev explains to Troi that, centuries ago, Bonin discovered one of her ancestors had a bio-chemistry that was compatible with his energy matrix: "I imagine that he took on human form and seduced her like he seduced me. I was about to be initiated into a very unusual relationship. You might call it a family tradition. But there's a part of me that's a little sad." Troi wonders how so. "I reread the entries in my grandmother journals -- whatever else he may have done, he made her very happy." Troi stares. Dr. Bev gazes out the window. She's better off, really. Can you imagine what going on double dates would be like with him as a boyfriend? You'd have to lug that damn lamp all over the place and then light it while everyone looks uncomfortably away.

Say what you will about Pulaski being a bitch, having no bedside manner, or attempting to replace the incomparable Bones with her crustiness, but at least she never masturbated in front of the captain. I'm just saying.