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Quantum and May-What's-The-Weather wake up in some prison camp that might, I say might, be harkening back to the Japanese-American internment camps of WWII. I'm not entirely certain, because an anvil the size of either Fat Man or Little Boy was obstructing my ear canal. They play getting to know you games with the similarly-imprisoned Suliban and learn a valuable "Don't judge an alien by his spots, ridges, or number of orifices" lesson. Al shows up sans Ziggy, but still carries that infernal handheld device that tells him everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
The Ultimate of Props to Niki for all she's done this week to keep everything smooth and functional, despite the efforts of some of the Element. ["Aww, thanks, keckler!" -- Niki]
A cell. May-What's-My-Line groggily wakes up on his very thin mattress and spies a prone Quantum to him, still down for the count. He lurches to his feet and opens the door. Opens the door? "What kind of prison is this?" you might ask, but I don't want to spoil the anvil-smurfy surprise, so get yourself all Guns 'n' Roses and hope for a little "Patience." Where was I? Axl Rose? No, that can't be right. Wait, May-butt opens the door, steps into a corridor and sees some (gasp!) Suliban ambling by.
I've got a little "Patience" in my head to drown out all the faiths and most of the hearts. But it'll take beer, cold beer to take care of the rest.
May-Why-God-Why dodges some J. Jill-attired Suliban and creeps along the corridor. He sees a whole host of Suliban congregating in a common area, mugs a horrified look, and dashes back to his warm cell. His Captain is just scrounging the sleep boogers from his eyes. Quantum asks him how many Suliban he saw and May-Why-Do-Birds-Suddenly-Appear tells him thirty but thinks there must be more since the place they're in is "pretty big." Now that's a talent I've never had. Being able to look at a bunch of objects and just extrapolate a number. I have the same problem with height or distance. Just doesn't mean anything to me until you can take one of those magic TV pens and circle or mark off the things on the screen, in order to count them or tell you which one is doing his own thing. Like on Sesame Street. Okay, Mathra's now telling me "they" call it "the chalkboard" when "they" do it in the NFL. Well, yeah, if you want to get all technical about it. Quantum dislodges a particularly sticky Sleep Booger of Exposition and asks, "Any idea who attacked the shuttle?" Mayweather tells him he didn't "exactly have time to get a good look." Quantum staggers to his feet -- Sleep Booger of Exposition still on his cheek, by the by -- and says that the energy readings they read emanating from behind "that moon" could've been coming from the Apple Core Helix. Quantum boosts Mayweather up so he can have a look out of a crack in their window. Mayweather reports a wall surrounding the area and something that might be a guard tower, but answers in the negative to Quantum's query about seeing any people.
Quantum and Mayweather take a little stroll, run into a Suliban (woman, I think, but it's hard to tell with the androgynous frog caught in her throat) who croaks, "You're the new arrivals." Quantum and Mayweather are a bit surprised they're not being apprehended, but Quantum recovers enough to ask, "Why are we here?" "Why are any of us here?" the Suliban asks. It appears I was wrong, it was not an androgynous frog, it was a Socratic frog. An alarm sounds, a red light flashes, and a bunch of Suliban line up in the corridor. Several military-esque humanoids march through, looking the Suliban up and down, right and left. A Suliban nervously drops his tin cup, but when he bends over to get it, the head military-esque humanoid zaps his hand with an electric nightstick. The Suliban groans and gets back to his feet.
The Zapper tells Mayweather and Quantum to follow him. He leads them into a well-appointed room where Dean Stockwell -- in a properly dramatic moment for those who didn't know he was guest-starring -- turns and regards his guests. He thanks the Zapper, calling him "Major," who then promptly leaves. Dean "Kareem Al-Jabbar" Stockwell asks the two crewmen to be seated. They remain standing. Mayweather even adopts a military stance by standing with his arms crossed behind his back, shoulders squared-off. Al apologizes to the two men for not seeing them earlier and for their undoubtedly "difficult afternoon." "We don't see many starship captains here," Al says, picking up a PDA and tapping it. Was it my imagination or did the PDA whisper faintly of the Lucite PDA of Quantum Leap? "Jonathan Archer?" Al asks. "Oh, boy!" Quantum says, really meaning, "That's right." Al turns to Mayweather and proves that this PDA is just as good as talking to Ziggy by revealing that he knows this erstwhile cast member's name as well, which is more than we can say for a lot of us and we've been watching since the beginning! "And you are?" Mayweather asks. Al says he's Col. Grat. "I take it you're the man in charge?" Quantum asks.
Without seeing the need to answer, AlGrat tells them that he rifled their sh'pod files and discovered their ship's name is Enterprise and they're from "a planet called Earth." Sort of like A Girl Named Sooner but without all the animals and depressing bits. "What I don't know is what you were doing within our military zone!" AlGrat raises his voice. May-Weebles-Wobble-But- They-Don't-Fall-Down and Quantum exchange surprised looks and Quantum repeats, "Military zone?" AlGrat informs them they had entered orbit around their second moon. "You must've detected it," he tells them. Whether he's referring to the moon or the military zone is a trifle foggy in my em-beered mind. "We don't have very good instruments," Quantum admits. Well, that's what he should've admitted because it's obviously the truth, but what he actually says is that they picked up some energy readings they couldn't figure out. In the biggest understatement on UPN this season, Quantum says, "We were simply curious." AlGrat tells him their "curiosity" almost got them killed. But satisfaction would've brought them back, right? "Fortunately, our patrol ship didn't vaporize your shuttlecraft," AlGrat says. "You might think about putting up a 'no trespassing' sign," Quantum suggests. Because you would pay attention to that, eh, Cpt. Dunderhead? AlGrat responds dryly that they'll consider it.
Quantum asks where they are and is told they're in a detention complex, several light years from where they were almost vaporized. Mayweather asks if everyone who violates their territory gets similar red-carpet treatment. AlGrat explains they're at war with "a species that can mimic the appearance of almost any humanoid" so they had to be certain Mayweather and Quantum weren't "infiltrators." "If you're worried we're Suliban, we're not," Mayweather announces. Ah, but see, that's just what someone who was a Suliban would say. Luckily, AlGrat agrees with Mayweather because they snitched a few of their personal double helixes and checked them out. "You're familiar with the Cabal?" AlGrat asks Quantum, who feels the sudden urge to sit down in order to answer, "Unfortunately." AlGrat says that they must be aware of their genetic enhancements and how dangerous they are. Quantum tells him they've experienced both firsthand, and AlGrat hopes they haven't suffered too many casualties. Quantum looks at Mayweather, who for some reason doesn't meet his gaze, and tells their host-jailer that they've been lucky "so far." Quantum tells AlGrat they're antsy to get back to their ship and would appreciate being at liberty to do just that. AlGrat apologizes, informing them he doesn't have the authority to affect their release, and that they will have to appear before a magistrate on Tandar Prime. "But the hearing should be brief. I'll explain that this was just an innocent misunderstanding," AlGrat says. Quantum asks when the hearing is and AlGrat tells him their transport will arrive in three days. "Three days!?" Mayweather exclaims. AlGrat ignores him and says he wishes he could offer them better room and board, but they're a bit overbooked for the nonce. War is their busy season. "I would advise you to keep to yourselves. If the Suliban give you any trouble, simply tell one of the guards," AlGrat goes on. Quantum says he wants to call home and tell T'Pol and the rest of the Lost Boys that they're okay. AlGrat tells him his regulations won't allow that, but he will take it upon himself to contact them and explain what's going down. AlGrat pushes a button and Major Zapper appears. "Escort these gentlemen back to their quarters -- make sure that they get a proper meal," he orders. "I'm sorry we couldn't have met under better circumstances," AlGrat says to Quantum in parting. Quantum agrees. They leave.
A view of the cozy cell bloc at night. Looks like they keep the fires burning, at home and in their hearts. I don't know. Draped in a stadium blanket, May-Widget pushes some mush around in a bowl. "They call this 'a proper meal'?" he whines. "I should save this for Commander Tucker. It'd make a good valve sealant." See, that's not even slightly on the French-lady-raising-her-brows- saying-"Tres amusant"-while-flicking- ash-from-her-Gauloise-blonde side, because back in "Shuttlepod One," we stripped that joke down and sold it for parts. It was stupid then and it's even stupider when mimicked by Johnny-No-Part here. Possibly because he's as tired as we are of listening to May-Whimper, Quantum suggests he get some sleep, while he takes the first watch. "The first watch"? What is this, Guantanamo Bay? May-Whinge nods and tries to pour himself some water from a little bucket. "This thing doesn't hold much," he comments. Fed up with his glop and Mayweather's kvetching, Quantum puts down his bowl and grabs the little tin bucket. "I'll be right back," he says and leaves their cell. He's going to throw up, isn't he?
Outside in the corridors, he passes Suliban, who give him sidelong glances from their mottled complexions, and proceeds to the common area where there appears to be a water source. Clumps of drab-colored articles of clothing hang from pipes and fixtures. While gaping at his surroundings, Quantum gets butted in the water line. "How about waiting your turn?" he suggests. The Suliban ignores him. Do they have a Universal Translator working in the bloc? Quantum fills his water pail and sees another Suliban hurriedly taking down his wash with help from what appears to be a Suliban child. Quantum stares at them for a bit, then turns to leave.
Oh, but wait, he stops. Yes, he can't resist doling out his unsolicited opinion like Hari Krishna pamphlets at the airport. "I can't believe you'd do this to a child," he says. "You know Quantum, maybe in this race, the kids are the elders. Like in Mork's race. So maybe it's the child 'doing' it to the adults. You don't know!" Mathra snaps. The Sulib -- "Well, I guess I can see that the corridor is somewhat narrow, so you've got nowhere else to stick that big snout of yours if you're not cramming it in other people's business," Mathra continues. The Suliban turns to -- "Yeah, yeah, I know, you're written like you're all concerned and good Samaritan-like, but really it's just an excuse to act like Jessica Fletcher and poke around," Mathra goes on. Okay. Are you done yet? You sure? Nothing more you feel the need to get out before I get along with doing my job? Alrighty then. As I was saying, the Suliban turns to look at Quantum and grunts, "Do what?" "She's a little young to be a member of the Cabal," Quantum moralizes. How can he tell it's a she? The Suliban father tells him he doesn't know what he's talking about. "I know that you're given genetic tricks as payment," Quantum says. Suliban Dad stops folding his laundry and looks at him. "What are they giving her?" Quantum jerks his head at the kid. An alarm blares. Closed-captioning gives me the detail that this particular kind of alarm is a "klaxon." Got that, everyone? A klaxon. The Suliban looks around in consternation and says to Quantum, "I don't know who you are, but you're wrong about us." "Is that so," Quantum says, in a tone of one who has never, ever, EVER been wrong in his snap assumptions of another species. Suliban Dad says, "We're not genetically enhanced and we're not members of the Cabal." "If that's true, then what are you doing here?" Quantum asks. How did someone thick as clotted cream get as far as he has? God, I feel like I repeat myself Every Single Week! "Didn't Colonel Grat tell you? We're dangerous. All Suliban are dangerous," Suliban Dad says sarcastically and turns to leave with his little brat. Too late.
Maj. Zapper and friend show up to say that it's past curfew. "We were just on our way back," Suliban Dad says. Maj. Zapper walks up to him and says, "Sorry, Danik. It's the second time this week." Danik turns to Maj. Zapper and says, "Klev, please." "It's only for one night," Maj. Klev says, while relieving him of his laundry basket. The tone in Klev's voice is more of a boss speaking to an employee caught surfing the web than one of a jailor to an unruly convict. Interesting. Quantum watches this exchange with the Furrowed Brow of Annoyance That He's Being Ignored. "It's my fault," Quantum says, "I'm the one who kept them here." "Get back to your cell," Klev says harshly, his back to Quantum. Cpt. Busybody asks where they're taking Danik. Klev turns to look at him, "Isolation. Unless you want to join him, do as I say." Danik asks Klev's military friend, "Will you make sure she gets back?" The soldier steps forward, as Danik says to his kid, "I'll see you in the morning. Don't worry," and gives the child a loud kiss on her hairless and mottled head. Danik walks off but turns to give Quantum a reproachful look before leaving the common area with Klev close behind. The other officer leads off the child, who mimics Danik by giving Quantum a backward glance. Quantum works his forehead up in the Furrowing of Confused Morals. I'm thinking Mewl-Weather's really going to be petulant about his water taking so long.
Enterprise bridge. "I'd like to speak to them," T'Pol says to AlGrat's image on the viewscreen. AlGrat apologizes for that impossibility, but assures her of their safety and well-being. "If it's all the same to you, I'd rather hear that from the Cap'n," Trip says, sticking his drawling oar in. AlGrat reiterates how much that is not going to happen, and T'Pol asks if they can be present at the hearing. AlGrat gives his assent. "Will they be given legal representation?" T'Pol asks. Good question. One that I note Cpt. Thickskull didn't ask on his own and Meek-Weather's behalf. AlGrat tells T'Pol that her captain and ensign will be able to select their own consul. They should give Dershowitz a call. I'm sure he would have put himself into deep freeze just so he could ham it up on other planetary systems. "When you arrive on Tandar Prime, you will be contacted by the Central Magistrate's Office," AlGrat says. T'Pol says they need the co-ordinates and AlGrat tells her he's sending them. Hoshi gets busy with her laptop. T'Pol thanks AlGrat, who wishes them luck and hangs up.
"Hoshi?" Reed asks. Hoshi reports that she couldn't trace the signal because of scrambled carrier waves. Trip tells her to "keep at it." T'Pol asks him what he's suggesting they do, "Mount a rescue?" Trip says the "thought crossed [his] mind." T'Pol, the voice of reason, tells him it would be folly to aggravate the Tandorian Chickens any further. Trip wants to know if she thinks sitting on their hands would be less folly. "The hearing's in three days," T'Pol reminds him. "And what if they're found guilty -- sentenced to thirty years in prison?" Trip demands. T'Pol tells him that's "unlikely" and tells him that exploring alien cultures means giving a modicum of respect to their rules and regulations. Like the TNG episode where the Naked Nubile Colony wants to execute Wesley for walking on their grass. They definitely should've respected that law. "If Captain Archer were here, I'm sure he'd agree," T'Pol says. I'm not. Trip looks resentful. "If you'd like, I'll contact the Vulcan High Command. They might be willing to send an arbitrator," T'Pol suggest. "A Vulkin lawyer?!" Trip blusters, "He'd be better off gittin' the electric chair." "'Electric chair'?" T'Pol asks. "Never mind," Trip mutters. "Just because he looks and sounds like George W. Bush, doesn't mean he's obliged to talk about executions!" Mathra shouts from the kitchen, his mouth full of something. T'Pol tells the stand-in ensign to set a course for Tandar Prime. I think T'Pol knows full well what an electric chair is, she just wanted to make Trip explain it, thus rendering his comeback trite and pointless. Very much like his role. Nice one, T'Pol. You may make it on the cover of Scientific American yet.
Tandorian Chicken Cell Bloc. You know, by the light of day, the place looks very much like Nimbus Three in Star Travesty V: The Undiscovered Country. It's completely surrounded by a desert wasteland. Inside, Suliban progeny paint on a cinder-block wall. Quantum pulls an I Don't Really Get Modern Art Furrow before turning to Mayweather, who seems to be eyeing the kids' cup of water. Control yourself, Mayweather, it's used for cleaning their paintbrushes! Quantum spots some Suliban playing a sort of chess game and jerks his head at them, indicating he wants to angle his Captainly Stride in that direction. The two humans tower over the sitting Suliban. Two of them get wigged out by the vulture-like towering and take off, leaving one Suliban. "I hope isolation wasn't too rough," Quantum says. Ah, this is Danik. "It gets a very cold in there at night. Sometimes I wish I was genetically enhanced," Danik says, fixing Quantum in his gaze. I've been trying all night to place this actor's voice and I've come to the conclusion that it's Joey's "Hey, Timmy, I've got a surprise for you" hernia voice.
Quantum and Mayweather look chastened as they move to sit down with Danik. Danik says, "If you've come to apologize, don't. It was just a misunderstanding." "Actually, I was hoping to find out what's going on around here," Quantum says. So, he wasn't going to apologize for his gross generalizations of the night that got this poor schlub locked away from his child? Nice one. Gotta hand it to you, Quantum, that's one for the diplomacy books. Danik tells Quantum to speak to the Tandorians if he wants answers. Or curry. Quantum admits that AlGrat wasn't what you or I would call "forthcoming." "Archer," Quantum says, sticking out his hand. Danik mimics his hand configuration, but doesn't know what do with it until Quantum grasps it. Good thing he's not one of those Phlox-type "Look But Don't Touch" races. Wasn't there a Ray Bradbury or Stephen King short story about the man who wouldn't shake hands? Something about going his whole life without shaking hands and when he finally does, the guy drops dead? Well, that doesn't happen here. No, instead of keeling over, Danik just gives Quantum a weird smile. Wait, wasn't that a Ray Bradbury story? "The Guy with the Weird Smile"? Okay, maybe not. But it sounds like it could've been.
Danik's quarters. Danik's child brings over a bucket of water to the table where Mayweather, Quantum, and Danik sit eating. What is it with Mayweather and water tonight? It's like Trip and smells or Enterprise and gaseous stuff. Danik's child asks, "More?" "I've had plenty, thank you," Mayweather says, "It was very good." "You look like Tandorans," Danik's brat says. You sound like a boy. Danik tells his kid to find her friends and reminds her not to forget curfew. The kid runs off. Danik closes the door behind her and tells the humans they're not criminals or soldiers. "The only thing we're guilty of is being Suliban," Danik says. Quantum assumes aloud that the Tandorian Chicken people tested their DNA and discovered they haven't been genetically tweaked. "As far as they're concerned, that doesn't mean anything," Danik tells him, "You believed I was a member of the Cabal, didn't you?" Quantum has the grace to look ashamed but still doesn't admit to his failings. "Didn't you?" Danik presses him in a strangely threatening tone. Finally, Quantum nods and says, "Yes, I did." Danik snorts, "All that seems to matter is the way we look." As he moves closer to the camera in order to pick up the dishes, I get a better view of how he looks. His skin is all bumpy -- I think Billiecats said it looked like green oatmeal -- and that's not something I originally associated with the Suliban. Green and mottled, yes. Stuccoed, no. Maybe there's an Accutane-effect in the genetic-enhancing process. On the other hand, the Cabal-Resisting Suliban chick Quantum kissed had a smooth complexion. But she also shape-shifted because she originally appeared to Quantum in human form. Does that mean she was once Cabal, or can all Suliban shape-shift but only a few do the SQUIDGE process? I mean, what exactly do non-modified Suliban do as opposed to the modified ones? Lord, listen to me with all the questions. I really don't like this show.
Danik goes on to say, "'Be careful of their wicked smiles and their shining yellow eyes. At night they'll squeeze right through your door and everybody dies.'" Quantum and Mayweather exchange a look, wondering if they've found the Bard of the Suliban. "The Tandoran children used to tease my daughter with that nursery rhyme. At least here, she doesn't have to hear it anymore," Danik explains. "This is an internment camp," Quantum announces to Mayweather. "Detention Complex Twenty-Six," Danik says, "I've heard it's one of their nicer ones." Yeah, but the food's worse than the Tuesday night pepper steak at Joliet. Quantum asks why all this has happened. Danik explains that eight years ago, the Cabal got formed, genetic enhancements were handed out like button candy, people were attacked, and the Tandorian Chicken people decided to tar everyone with the same brush. Danik begins a speech full of bitter dregs, "We were rounded up. 'Relocated,' as they like to say. They told us it was only temporary -- it was for our own safety. 'Once the Cabal has been destroyed, you will be free to go back to your homes.' We're still waiting. There are eighty-nine of us here, thousands more in other camps. Everyone of us used to be citizens on worlds in the Tandar Sector." Danik tells them that he was born in the same town as Major Klev and was friends with Klev's brother. Mayweather wants to know about the government on the Suliban home world. Danik explains that no such organization exists. "Our home world became uninhabitable three hundred years ago. Most Suliban are nomadic but some of us have assimilated into other cultures. My grandfather made the unfortunate decision to settle on Tandar Prime," Danik explains. Nomadic, huh? I guess that's an easy way of resolving why we never hear about the Suliban in the future. "Maybe the reason we've never heard of the Suliban is because they changed their name to 'Sulu Ban,' and sent their Commander-in-Chief to infiltrate the Federation as a helmsman," Mathra hypothesizes. I suppose that could explain why the more earnest of my posters can't come to a consensus over the ethnic origin of the name "Sulu."
There's a knock at Danik's door and another Suliban enters, handing Danik a missive and asking what the humans are doing there. Danik takes the note and tells his Suliban visitor that he asked them. As Danik reads his mail, the other Suliban asks what species they are and then says he's never heard of "humans." "Sajen, you're being rude," Danik says, not looking up from his letter. Quantum asks if it's bad news he reads. Danik folds up the note and explains that he and his wife were placed in separate detention camps and her appeal to be transferred has been denied, again. The klaxon goes off, and Danik says they mustn't be late for afternoon inspection. As they leave, Quantum thanks Danik for lunch and Danik thanks him for listening. Does Mayweather have no manners whatsoever? Once they're gone, Sajen hisses, "Why'd you bring them here?" "Maybe I was tired of talking to you," Danik says. Okay, that's not very nice. Sajen tells Danik that the humans could be in league with AlGrat, but Danik doesn't say anything.
In the corridor, Klev and his guards pass through the rows of Suliban. Klev pushes one of the Suliban children aside with his turned-off electric nightstick. "Hey!" Quantum says. Look buddy, Klev didn't really use any sort of force in that movement, so stop overcompensating for your earlier behavior toward the Suliban. Klev ignores his protest and grunts that AlGrat wants to see him. Mayweather makes to go as well but Klev stops him, telling him he's not on the guest list.
AlGrat's office. AlGrat says it's come to his attention that Quantum was out past curfew arguing with a Suliban. Quantum tells him it was just a misunderstanding. "You should have taken my advice, Captain," AlGrat says. "I know, I know. It's a problem with me; I'm just too damn curious," Quantum says. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Quantum says that whenever he meets new people he can't control himself around them and has to pry into their personal affairs. He tells AlGrat he's been doing that a lot with the Suliban. AlGrat says he admires his "spirit of exploration" but warns it could get him into trouble and he should just "keep to [him]self." "I'll do my best," Quantum says blandly. He stands up saying, "Unless you have any more advice..."
AlGrat doesn't have advice, he has a question. He consults his PDA and asks, "Have you ever been to Oklahoma?" No, but I can hum a few bars for you. Quantum puts on the Furrowed Brow of Confused Caution. AlGrat says he's also of the curious persuasion, so after Quantum mentioned he'd had some run-ins with the Cabal, he decided to do his homework and found a few things out as a result. In a nutshell, he knows about the silo incident at Broken Bow, OK; the transport of the wounded Klingon; Rigel Ten; Quantum meeting with the Suliban chick (now Quantum's wondering if he knows about The Kiss as well); Quantum getting shot in the leg; and Silik appearing on Enterprise in the guise of a Heaven's Gater. In short, he's watched "Broken Bow," and "Cold Front" in re-runs. "Or he's read the recaps," Mathra suggests. Aw, how's that for connubial support? Quantum asks what AlGrat wants. "Information! What do you know about the Cabal? What genetic enhancements you've seen? Helix deployments. Who's giving them their orders?" AlGrat raises his voice. Quantum suggests he ask the inmates, but AlGrat tells him they both know the prisoners wouldn't be helpful. "Then why are they here?" Quantum demands. "That's a discussion for another time," AlGrat tells him. "There are families here, children. One man hasn't seen his wife in years!" Quantum shouts back. AlGrat orders him to spill what he knows. "They don't deserve this sort of treatment!" Quantum says. AlGrat says they're there for their own protection. Quantum doesn't buy it. AlGrat turns to his window and tells Quantum that the last thing they wanted to do was build detention centers. "But we had no choice. When the Cabal began their activities, there was a great deal of fear among the Tandorans. There were instances of violence. Fourteen innocent Suliban were killed in one day alone. We had to find a way to keep them out of danger," AlGrat finishes.
Quantum asks why they didn't let the Suliban find another place to live. Well, first of all, I'm sure the Suliban wouldn't have wanted to move away from the only home they've ever known and second of all, there's an anvil the size of Afghanistan on my foot. AlGrat says the Suliban wouldn't have gotten very far because as soon as they were out of Tandoran territory, the Cabal would have pressed them all into service. "They're better off here," AlGrat says. Quantum says he's met a few Suliban who don't hold with that belief. AlGrat loudly demands more information from Quantum but the captain presses his lips together. AlGrat pushes a button and Klev Kong appears. "This conversation is taking longer than I expected. I'd hate to see you miss that transport tomorrow morning. The one won't arrive for another sixty days," AlGrat threatens. Quantum still doesn't say anything, but turns and leaves. AlGrat looks annoyed.
Enterprise bridge. AlGrat's face tells T'Pol that the hearing's been postponed because of a case build-up in the magistrate's office. Reed works furiously at his console. Trip asks how long they'll have to wait, and AlGrat tells him not more than a few days. AlGrat advises them to stay on course for Tandar Prime and he'll arrange for them to have a tour of the capital city. Hoshi works furiously at her console. "We're not innerested in a tour, we jest want our peepol back!" Trip snaps. AlGrat assures them he's doing all he can and they'll hear from him soon. He hangs up. There's a bleep-weelp. Reed announces, "I've isolated their carrier frequency. Do you see it?" Hoshi says, "I'm tracing it now. Bearing one, seven, eight, mark twelve." Reed reports that's five-point-two light years away. Trip looks at T'Pol and says, "All I'm sayin' is we go take a look for ourselves, make sure they're okay." T'Pol gives the order to proceed.
Cell Bloc. Quantum tells Danik that most of the people they've run into are friendly, but they've had a few "unfortunate encounters." That's putting it lightly. Quantum comments this is one of the "unfortunate encounters." Danik explains that, for the most part, Tandori Chickens are decent people. Prompted by more of Quantum's prying, he says that was the director of research at an engineering institute in the Querella Province. He tells Quantum he should see it, assuming all goes well at the hearing. Quantum comments that they're not going to the hearing any time soon, and Danik asks why he doesn't tell AlGrat what he wants to know. "I don't like being strong-armed," Quantum says. "I don't like being strong-armed, either," Mathra says, flapping his arms, "Makes it tough to wear those stupid J.Crew shirts you're always buying me." Don't you have a largish theorem to write in the margin of your notebook? Quantum asks if anyone's ever tried to escape, and Danik tells him three guys tried it a few years ago. The men made it as far as the docking bay -- the place where they keep impounded Suliban ships -- before they were shot. The excuse was that they were carrying weapons. The tone in Danik's voice implies that couldn't have been possible. "They might have succeeded with a little help from the outside," Quantum says, "It won't be long before Enterprise comes looking for Mayweather and me." Danik thanks him but says there aren't a lot of Suliban who'd be willing to risk it. Quantum says, "Have you asked them?" Danik doesn't say anything. Quantum wants to know how many ships are in the docking bay. Danik gives him a steady look.
Cell Bloc Common Area. Mayweather gets some water -- seriously? -- and tries to strike up a conversation with Sajen, who's scribbling at something. It's not a letter, as Mayweather assumes, but a journal. Mayweather sits down and adopts a tone of one talking to a five-year-old, saying it's good Sajen is keeping track of everything because one day, people are going to want to read all about his experiences in the pretty little internment camp. Sajen glares at him and says no one's going to read it. Mayweather asks why he's writing it then. Obviously Mayweather is too dense to grapple with the idea that people keep personal diaries. Seems like the whole Enterprise crew has an issue with the term "personal." Sajen wants to know why Mayweather even cares. "I see how you look at us. Suliban terrify you," Sajen hisses, jumping up and leaning close to a now-startled Mayweather. "You wouldn't be surprised if I slithered up this wall or turned my face inside out!" Sajen says. Well, I would be. I didn't know turning one's face inside out was one of the genetic enhancements. I wonder what the function of that trick would be. Sajen tells Mayweather that Suliban and Cabal are one and the same to him. Mayweather tries to protest, but Sajen stalks off.
Cell Bloc at night. As Quantum examines a pencil-sketched floor plan of the detention center, something beams into their room. It's a communicator. Quantum smiles and picks it up. Flipping it open, he asks, "What took you so long?"
Dear Miss Manners,
When my starship risks life and limb to save my meddling butt, why should I ever show proper appreciation? I mean, I am the only starship captain worth rescuing -- they should be glad they have the opportunity to put themselves in mortal peril just for me, right? Right?
Semper Fi,
Cpt. Nosy Parker
Dear Cpt. Nosy Parker,
Shove it.
Yours truly,
Miss Manners
T'Pol asks if he's okay and says they're picking up Suliban bio-signs. Quantum tells her it's not what she thinks and wants to know if they are definitely on a secure channel. Hoshi tells him she's technobabbling the signal, so that even if they were in Starfleet HQ, no one would be aware of their conversation. T'Pol tells him they're in orbit and it won't be long before they're discovered. Trip says he's locking onto them with the transporter and can dematerialize them out of there anytime. Quantum tells him they're not ready to leave just yet and gives them the low-down on what's going down at Detention Complex Twenty-Six, including his desire to help the rest of the detained escape. "Have you ever heard of Manzanar, Sub-Commander?" Quantum asks. T'Pol isn't familiar with "that planet." "It's not a planet. It was an internment camp on Earth during the Second World War. Japanese-American citizens were imprisoned there, even though they didn't do anything wrong. The same thing's happening here," Quantum explains. Did y'all hear about the earthquake that was felt in New York, Quebec, and Boston? Yeah, well, it wasn't an earthquake, it was actually the Anvil that Ate Boston. T'Pol says, "I thought you decided not to interfere in other cultures." Quantum says he's making an exception this time, "Understood?" "Yes, Captain," T'Pol says in a tone and expression that totally Catches the Spock. Quantum tells her they've been working on a plan but they need help, and in a time-honored tradition of drama, they cut away from the scene of Quantum explaining the plan so we can see the plan in action without having it outlined for us first.
Danik's cell. Quantum and Danik plot, while Mayweather and Sajen look on. Sajen keeps on with the complaints about it not working, getting caught, being executed, etc. Danik expresses a few concerns as well, but Quantum assures them both that he knows what he's doing. He is, after all, a starship captain. Sajen asks where they're supposed to go even if they do get away. Danik warms to the idea, saying they can fly off to the Niburon colonies because he's got contacts there who might be able to help them. Sajen keeps complaining until Mayweather finally asks him if he'd rather spend the rest of his life in prison. Sajen doesn't answer him but suggests to Danik that the humans could be working for AlGrat and trying to trap them. Quantum says they're not working for the Tandori Chickens. The Onion Bhaji, however, is another matter. Sajen urges Danik to think of his daughter and the risk he's putting her in the way of. Danik thinks for a moment and says, "We're getting out of here, Sajen." Sajen says he's not going to be party to planning their "suicide," and storms away. "I hope the others were more enthusiastic," Quantum comments. Danik nods and refers them back to his map of the detention complex, pointing out a wall that's only forty meters away from the docking bay.
AlGrat's office. More questions. Quantum refuses to budge his vocal chords, but AlGrat tells him they detected energy readings coming from his cell the night before. Quantum suggests their sensors have issues. "I'm told they're working perfectly," AlGrat says and pushes that dratted button. The guards wrestle in Mayweather, who feels the need to apologize to Quantum for some reason. His face is all battered, bruised, and a bit bloody. AlGrat holds up the communicator and tells him they found it in Mayweather's possession. "But he wouldn't say how it got there," AlGrat says. Quantum lurches forward to grab it, but Klev zaps him with his electric nightstick. Quantum turns to face Klev, who holds him at bay with the electric nightstick. You know, now that I get a good look at it, it looks like a really long curling iron. Quantum refuses to tell them anything and AlGrat orders them off to Isolation. Did anyone else notice the Mondrian carpet AlGrat has on his office floor? Weird.
Enterprise Situation Room. Over a topological map of the area, Trip and T'Pol plot their attack. T'Pol comms Phlox and asks how close he is to being done. Phlox says he's just about finished but he's not happy with "the nose." Uh, that's cute and all, but Phlox said the same thing about Hoshi in "Civilization." That's two jokes they've recycled this episode! T'Pol tells him they're ready to roll. There's some beeping and Hoshi says, "It's Captain Archer." T'Pol tells the captain to go ahead. "You seem to be off-course, I thought you were headed for Tandar Prime," AlGrat's voice says to them. "What brings you here?" T'Pol asks where Quantum is. AlGrat advises against them "circumventing [their] legal system" and if they come any closer, their patrol ships will fire at them.
Weird space-like commercial for the Mach Three Turbo razor.
Cell Bloc Common Area. Mayweather dabs at his battered face. Sajen comes up and asks what happened. "What do you care?" Mayweather snits. Sajen says Danik is looking for Quantum. "You might try Isolation," Mayweather tells him. "Still think we're working with the Tandorans? You know, we could've left this place a long time ago if we hadn't decided to help you," Mayweather hissyfits. Sajen says he didn't ask for their help. Mayweather shoves his puffed lower lip into Sajen's range of vision: "Why? Because we're not Suliban? Because we look a little too much like Tandorans? I'll admit, when I first came here, it wasn't easy to see past my preconceptions about the Suliban, but I did. Why can't you?" Mayweather storms off. There's been a lot of storming and stalking off in this episode. Lots of fits of pique.
Enterprise bridge. Hoshi reports they're being hailed by AlGrat. T'Pol stands up and nods at Hoshi who broadcasts AlGrat's face on the viewscreen. AlGrat angrily tells them that two patrol ships are en route to intercept them. T'Pol tells him they don't want to fight, they just want to talk to him. "They'll have a weapons lock on your vessel in less than one minute," AlGrat says. "Do you eat meat, Colonel?" T'Pol asks. AlGrat is confused. "Our chef is preparing a meal in your honor, and I was curious whether you're a vegetarian. I was hoping you would join me for dinner. It would give us an opportunity to get acquainted," T'Pol says. AlGrat barks desperately that they better leave orbit in forty-five seconds. "I can't believe you're really going to destroy our vessel over a trivial incident like this. I can tell you're an enlightened man. All I'm asking for is a chance to show you that we're enlightened as well," T'Pol says smoothly and tells him she's sending over a complete database of Earth's history, Starfleet's charter, and a record of all human contact with extra-terrestrials. "If you have any doubt about our intentions, this material should lay them to rest," T'Pol says as AlGrat observes the data scrolling on his laptop. T'Pol tells Hoshi to send them the Vulcan Database as well. "I think you'll find that my people have a great deal in common with you too," T'Pol says. The viewscreen fuzzes and AlGrat says she's jamming their frequencies and demands that she break off the transmission. T'Pol starts to say calmly, "What about dinner, should I -- " but AlGrat interrupts her and tells her he's not going to tell her again to end her transmission and break orbit. He hangs up as the viewscreen image and audio dissolves into static. Guess he's in a bit of a fixie-fixie. T'Pol comms Trip, who says, "It's done," as he looks at the transporter pad. Hoshi reports the fast approach of the patrol vessels. T'Pol tells the ensign to get them outta there.
Cell Bloc. Mayweather spoons up some mash. There's frantic banging at his door. He opens it. A cloaked "Suliban" stands in the doorway. "Yes?" he asks. "I understand you're looking for a way outta here," the "Suliban" rasps. Dumbell-Weather asks who he is. The "Suliban" steps inside and says in a normal voice, "Don't you recognize me, Travis?" Mayweather bugs, "Malcolm?" he asks. Reed laughs and says that Mayweather's beat-up face looks worse than his. Mayweather asks how Reed got down there. "Transporter," Reed says, "I think I'm finally getting used to it." That's peachy. Not even the end of the first season, and the transporter is rendered boring. Mayweather asks if he's sure he wasn't detected. Reed says Hoshi sent AlGrat a large Quark file and he doesn't have StuffIt. He hands Mayweather a phase pistol, saying, "Congratulations, Ensign, your case is about to be dismissed."
Mayweather's cell. More map-examining. This time by Danik, Mayweather, and Reed. Danik points out where Isolation is located, and Reed says he'll find Quantum. "The charges?" Danik asks. Mayweather assures him they're taken care of and asks if Danik is definitely "up for this." Klaxon blares. "Nightly inspection," Danik says. "I thought you said it wasn't for another fifteen minutes," Reed says. Danik says he better get back. "See you in orbit," Danik says. Mayweather wishes him luck. Reed comms T'Pol that the guards are ahead of schedule and they need to speed things up. T'Pol says they'll do their best. The guards inspect. Enterprise speeds toward the planet with the patrol ships on their tail. The patrol ships fire. T'Pol orders the aft torpedoes fired. Hoshi reports two direct hits and that the patrol ships are "bearing off." T'Pol commands, "Take us down." Enterprise descends through some clouds, and T'Pol asks if the patrol ships are following. Hoshi says the ships took heavy damage and are attempting to land. T'Pol tells Trip, "You're clear to launch, Commander." Trip, in the cockpit of a sh'pod says, "Acknowledged" and launches.
Mayweather's cell. Reed paces. The communicator twitters and T'Pol tells him, "He's approaching the compound. Two minutes." Reed says, "Tell him --" but Klev bursts in on them and orders them in the corridor. Mayweather walks out the door, followed by Reed, who gets electrically goosed with Klev's curling iron. Reed whips around to face Klev. Mayweather puts a restraining hand on him, so Reed contents himself with glaring. Klev looks a little nervous. In the corridor, Klev shouts that if "this happens again, [they'll] all be spending time in isolation!" Klev starts to walk off, but Mayweather conversationally asks him if he has a second to spare. Klev looks at him. Mayweather natters on about how bad the food is and could it be improved upon and does Klev have to eat it because if so he should consider staging a hunger strike. "Enough!" Klev thunders and stalks off. Mayweather looks at Reed who nods and presses a button on his communicator. Klev and the other guards notice flashing green lights on a wall so they go to investigate, as Reed and Mayweather round up the Suliban and shoo them away. Klev looks around, and Reed presses another button. The green lights turn out to be charges, which explode and a perfect circle is blasted out of the prison wall. The guards are blown down. Reed comms Trip that the "wall's down." Trip says he sees it and tells him to stand by. The sh'pod zooms toward the complex, now alive with those oscillating spotlights that come standard at prisons everywhere. Trip fires at a few things, destroys the guard tower, etc.
Inside, the Suliban run wild. Danik passes his child off to another Suliban and tells her to "go with the others." They run as guards enter. One weapon-toting Suliban is shot in the back -- stunned, not killed. Danik fires back and there's a firefight. Danik's little brat shouts for him, and he tells her he'll be there soon and to go with the others. Danik grabs the wounded Suliban and drags him out of the way. If the Enterprise crew are stuck with a Suliban orphan brat, I'm barfing. More than usual.
Quantum paces in his cell. Reed enters and Quantum throws him against the wall. "It's good to see you Malcolm," Quantum says. Reed sighs and says, "How'd you know it was me?" He goes to the doors and is knocked away by AlGrat, who points a gun at Quantum. "You have no idea what you've done. You haven't freed these people, you've condemned them!" AlGrat shouts. More needless destruction by Trip from the sky. Guards lie on the ground, as Mayweather ushers Suliban over them. Sajen hangs back in fear, and Danik's brat squeals that someone needs to get her father. Sajen pauses, so Mayweather moves to go. Sajen stops him and says he'll go. Mayweather hands him a gun. AlGrat throws Quantum against a wall and tells him he had no right to interfere. "This isn't about my rights, it's about theirs!" Quantum slurs over a fat lip. AlGrat says they lost their rights as soon as the Cabal started their attacks. "Do you know how many people the Cabal have murdered? How many ships they've destroyed? Colonies? You just gave them eighty-nine new soldiers!" AlGrat bellows, probably spitting all over Quantum's face. Quantum asks what makes him think they'll join the Cabal and AlGrat tells him they have nothing left and won't be able to resist what the Cabal has to offer them. Quantum notes Reed stirring in the background. That's one good thing about Quantum's hefty brows: when furrowed -- as they are now -- they shutter his eyes so others can't see where he's looking. Quantum tells AlGrat that he hasn't been with them very long but he seems to know the Suliban "a helluva lot better" than AlGrat does. Reed launches himself at AlGrat, and Quantum grabs his weapon away. He raises it above his head. AlGrat flinches and cowers. Quantum pauses and decides not to strike him. Quantum jerks his head at Reed to get out of there and follows. AlGrat stays against the wall, his eyes bulging in fear. Quantum locks him in. All in all, I have to say that between just the two of them, Dean Stockwell and the Klev dude did a great job of getting across the message that they are a race who isn't quite sure they are really doing the right thing -- in fact, they might even be scared of what they're being told to do. As military men, they've been assigned to guard these citizens -- who are very possibly their close friends and neighbors -- and since they aren't the ones making the decisions, they have to convince themselves of the rhetoric fed to them by their superiors in order to justify that what they are doing is not horribly wrong. It's a lot more interesting to watch that kind of conflict in these characters than flatter characters, who are so obviously out-and-out baddies, there aren't any layers or dimension.
All the Suliban ships take flight. In the sh'pod, Quantum reports they're on their way. T'Pol assures him the patrol ships are not a threat and that the Suliban ships are breaking orbit. Quantum commends her on a job well done and says they'll be there in a few minutes. Reed says, "Tell the doctor to meet us in Sick Bay. My skin is really starting to itch." T'Pol says she'll bring Phlox up to speed on his skin. In the tone of a child wanting to be told that everything will be all right, Mayweather asks Quantum if he thinks the Suliban will "make it." "Do I think they'll get out of Tandoran space safely? Yes. Do I think they'll be all right?" Quantum leaves that question hanging. So, since they seem to have no plans to rendezvous with Enterprise, do we just have to assume that all the Suliban ships were magically equipped with food and other vital supplies? They didn't really look much bigger than sh'pod -- smaller even, since we saw the sh'pod alongside of one as they left the docking bay. Oh, I give up, thank God it's over.
week, Quantum and Trip get tangled up in a sizeable space loogie.