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Trip is marooned on a desert planet -- but instead of taking his top three favorite works of literature, he's got a reptilian alien to while away the hours. As so often happens on desert planets in outer space in the future, as soon as day breaks, it's going to be a badzilliker degrees. This means, of course, that Trip and his non-sweat-glanded matey are going to be needing some pretty serious Solarcaine with the extra-healing aloe additive come the sun also rising. Back on the ship, Quantum furrows a way to recover his Tripwrecked little buddy, which means getting in touch with the reptilian alien's mother ship. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Oh. Joy. Another Trip-centered episode. Because, of course, we certainly haven't had enough of those. I mean, it's not like he's overexposed or anything, or that certain other members of the cast are so underexposed they disappear literally and figuratively from the screen. In fact, Trinneer's drawlin' mug is so IN-frequently on the screen, I almost forgot what his bare chest looked like. Thank goodness I had this fast-paced, action-packed STELLAR episode to remind me -- it certainly would be tantamount to unforeseen acts of Greek tragedy if we were allowed to exist for one minute without being privileged to rest our eyes on an indifferent physique.
Mathra: So, what's the name of this ep?
Keckler: Dawn.
Mathra: D-A-W-N?
Keckler: What the hell else would it -- actually it's D-O-N. The alien's name is Don.
And now it is.
Cruising alone in a sh'pod, Triptography talks to his log about testing the autopilot upgrades. Hm, shout-out? He looks out the window and muses, "This gas giant has dozens of moons -- it's like a gravitational jigsaw puzzle." Another Gas Giant? That makes three in the last two years. Man, Shatner does not want to let go, does he? "Watch out, Travis, these modifications are working so well, pretty soon we won't need pilots anymore," Trip tells his log. You guys don't seem to need them now. And how can that NOT be a shout-out? Poor ol' Micro-Weather -- the only one not laughing. Quantum tries to comm Trip that another vessel is headed his way, but his transmission fuzzes out. There's some urgent beeping on the console, and Trip is fired on by an alien sh'pod. Trip calls out, "Mayday! Mayday!" No, no -- it's "May-wither." Trip loses power and crash-lands on the planet.
You Watson bastard, you killed my ears!
Enterprise tries in vain to contact and locate Tripwrecked. Malcolm's frustrated with the "demmed interference" being the reason why they can't be exact about Tripwrecked's last known location. "Many of these moons have atmospheres that contain selenium isotopes -- that's most likely what's affecting our sensors," T'Pol explains. So, they have a Head & Shoulders atmosphere? I wonder if the three other people who saw Evolution will get my joke. Quantum puts on a stiff upper furrow and gives orders to search the sixty-two moons for signs of Tripwrecked. I wonder if I should start drinking in the morning.
In the darkness before yawn, Tripwrecked gets out of his crashed sh'pod and looks around. Not finding much, he Q-Tips his wounds and logs some more LiveJournals about his engines being neutralized by the moon's atmosphere, his lack of power, and his desperate dream to be performer with The Thunder from Down Under in Vegas. I might have made one of those up. In front of a roaring campfire that must have sprung from his loins since it's clearly established that he doesn't have a phaser, Tripwrecked blows on his hands and tries to fix his transceiver. I guess that's to anvil home the fact that he ran out of gas on a desert planet that is frigid at night and hotter than Beelzebub's bum at yawn's early light. Tripwrecked hears a noise, goes to investigate, and is set upon by a yelling Don the Alien, who shoots at him. Dodging blasts, Tripwrecked falls back into his sh'pod and closes the hatch. He peeks out the window and is not exactly ecstatic to note that Don the Alien stole his transceiver.
Back on the big ship, Hoshi's hairdresser didn't do her any favors this episode; he made what looks like a big hairy bump on her head. T'Pol reports on the proximity of an Arkonian military ship and says that, though she's never dealt with them personally, she knows of the Arkonians' less than friendly and extremely territorial reputation. Quantum and the Arkonian captain have a face-to-face where the Arkonian is pretty much, "Get off my turf!" and Quantum's all, "Make me!" Quantum brushes over Capt. Arkonian's unexplained displeasure at seeing a Vulcan on his bridge and demands to know if it was one of the alien captain's men who fired on Tripwrecked. Capt. Arkonian admits they sent off a patrol ship with whom they have lost contact. Stiff as a board without the light as a feather, Quantum makes sure the Arkonian captain understands that while Tripwrecked is missing, they aren't going anywhere fast, and suggests that cooperation could be mutually beneficial. I'm thinking an enema could also be mutually beneficial.
Tripwrecked crouches about in the scrub brush and nearly runs into a seriously threatening-looking red beam of light. "Now, would that be called a 'TripWire'?" Mathra yuks, pulling Hunca Munca out of the newly cleaned fireplace. From a rocky overhang above Don's camp, Tripwrecked watches the poor man's Capt. Darthon futz with the ill-gotten transceiver.
Back in his own sh'pod, Tripwrecked confirms to bigtripper.diaryland that "it's him....and he seems about as bad off as I am." Tripwrecked believes that whatever made his sh'pod take a nosedive on this harmless-looking planet also landed Don in the same soup. He pays lip-gloss service to the fact that he doesn't have a UT on him, hence the need to speak in metaphor should the occasion call for it. "One piece of good news," Tripwrecked assures us, "it's starting to warm up a little -- Dawn is coming." If you anvil us, do we not groan?
Don gibbers his frustration at the transceiver until he overhears Tripwrecked's languid tones in the distance. Don puts down the transceiver and goes to investigate, but all he finds on a rocky outcropping is the Star Trek equivalent of a tape deck with a prerecorded message playing. One funny thing is that, as well saying stuff like, "I won't hurt you" and "We need to talk," you can also hear Tripwrecked say, "Mary had a little lamb. Its fleece was white as snow. And everywhere that Mary went. The lamb was sure to go." And I thought, "What is he thinking? That's not going to wor-- ohhhh!" Although it would have been so much more Dubya-ish of him to start with Mary and the lamb, patch in some cows jumping over moons, and have a crash-bang finish with, "If you fool...you cain't git fooled agin!" We still have that on tape. It still cracks us up. We make all our friends watch it when they come over. They think we're freaks. While Don is investigating the source of Earth nursery rhymes, Tripwrecked fiddles with the purloined transceiver. It's not clear what exactly he was doing, because as Don sets off his own Tripwrecked Wire, Tripwrecked drops the transceiver and scampers off to hide, so he doesn't really appeared to have accomplished much. Don returns to his campfire, looks around, spies Tripwrecked, and engages him in a rousing bout of fisticuffs. Tripwrecked manages to get Don's firearm and quips, "Now, mebbe we can inter-duce ourselves." Don hisses and spits at him. Funny, that's often my reaction to Tripwrecked. Tripwrecked speaks English to Don, Don doesn't understand a blessed word, and they fight some more until Don recovers his guns and stuns Tripwrecked.
Don continues to be annoyed with the transceiver, so he kicks Tripwrecked awake. "I'm no good until I've had my coffee," Tripwrecked groans. Not very aware, is he? I mean, seriously, how many of us actually think we're in another place when we wake up? Precious few. You'd think a military-trained engineer would be a mite more cognizant of his surroundings. Don bangs Tripwrecked around, and they yell at each other in their respective dialects. This is getting old fast -- can't we all just get along? Tripwrecked shouts that his transceiver is broken, and seems to figure out that Don is asking him to repair his alien transceiver. He can't do this with his hands tied, so Don releases him, but manages to give Tripwrecked the indication that if he tries anything, he's a dead man. Try something -- oh, please try something!
Enterprise. T'Pol reports no progress on their behalf or the Arkonians' in locating Tripwrecked and Don. Quantum's frustrated by the Arkonians' halfhearted attempts at help, and T'Pol tells him they don't trust the humans because of her Vulcan presence. She details that the Vulcan first contact with the Arkonians nearly one hundred years ago was a disaster. The Arkonians were not as welcoming as the humans in terms of accepting Vulcan aid and cultural exchanges. In fact, they were so suspicious and deceitful that finally the High Command buggered off and left the Arkonians to their own devices. "Maybe we'll have better luck with them," Quantum snarls. T'Pol's not holding her breath, and advises him to watch his step around the potentially hostile aliens.
On the planet, Tripwrecked has little to no success with the alien transceiver, and gets a few nasty shocks for his trouble. Don picks up on Tripwrecked's "Damn it!" and repeats it back to him. Several times. Tripwrecked points at himself and says, "No, I'm Tripwrecked -- Tripwrecked," just so Don doesn't get the idea that his name is a curse. Of course, if Don hung around my house, he'd definitely get that impression. Don slaps at his own chest and says his name, but I really don't care what it is because I think he looks more like a Don. Tripwrecked thinks that since they've be formally introduced, it's a good time to ask for something to drink. He mimics a drinking motion with his hand. Again, I am moved to point out the possible differences in alien lifestyle and anatomy -- what if Don drinks through his armpits? He's not going to understand Tripwrecked's pantomime. He might even think Tripwrecked's coming on to him. Don twitches in response -- he does that a lot, I found -- and tosses a canteen at Tripwrecked. Tripwrecked drinks and predictably spits out the stuff, asking, "What the hell was that?" B.O.? He drops the canteen on the ground, and thick brown stuff runs out of it. Don runs over to recover the canteen and is very irritated that Tripwrecked has wasted most of his libation. Tripwrecked apologizes as Don shakes the canteen to judge how much he has left, and then tries to pantomime that he needs to go back to his own ship to get water. Don doesn't agree with this, and indicates that he'd really like Tripwrecked to get back to work on the transceiver.
Several missing layers of clothing later, Tripwrecked is still fiddling with the alien's stuff. He yanks on a cord, and I expect to hear an Evinrude outboard start up. Instead, Tripwrecked falls backwards and ends up with a laceration on his arm. He attempts to tell Don that he has a medical kit in his sh'pod, but Don spits at that idea. No, literally -- Don gleeks on Tripwrecked's wound, and it starts to sizzle like Bactine. Tripwrecked gets his panties in a bunch until he realizes that the cut is healing. That's one powerful loogie. As Don gestures at Tripwrecked to get back to work, Tripwrecked tries to explain that he can't fix the sh'pod. "Now, maybe if you vomit on it, it'll fix itself," he tells Don. Oh, all right: Hee. He beckons Don over, but Don doesn't get it. "C'mere. Here. Come. Here," Tripwrecked gestures emphatically. Just as I say, "It's like talking to Hunca Munca," to Mathra, Tripwrecked says, "It's like talking to Porthos." So I'm starting to think like Berm or Aga now? That gives me pause. Don draws near as Tripwrecked explains why he can't fix the ship. While Don is seemingly involved in Tripwrecked's gibberish explanation, Tripwrecked takes the opportunity to squirt fuel into Don's eyes so he can recover the one gun they have between them. Not a very nice way to treat someone who hocked up a naturopathic spitwad on your behalf. Tripwrecked yells that he can't fix Don's ship, and orders him to pick up the transceivers and take them back to Tripwrecked's ship. Don obeys, but isn't too happy about it.
Enterprise. T'Pol informs Quantum that all the moons around the Gas Giant could drop to ten below zero at night and have daylight temps of up to one hundred seventy degrees. "We better hope Tripwrecked landed on the night side," Quantum comments. "And that we find him before the sun rises," T'Pol agrees. Well, I know things look sorta bad now, but remember, it's always darkest before the yawn.
On the planet, Tripwrecked ties up Don and drinks some water. Oh, look -- he managed to put his Blue Tick wife beater back on. Tripwrecked holds out a brown cracker and asks if Don wants food. He bites into it to illustrate what his species does with it. Don doesn't look completely disinterested, so Tripwrecked brings him a cracker and says, "Food." In another extremely unexpected turn of events, Don bites into the cracker and spits it out. Don gibbers something that Tripwrecked takes to be the alien's desire to get food from his own ship. After teaching Don how to say "ship" in English, Tripwrecked denies Don access to his own and tells him breakfast will have to wait. He appears to derive some pleasure from starving Don. Tripwrecked thinks he can get them out of there because he got a good look at Don's sh'pod's innards. "I think I can cannibalize the power supply from your transceiver and use it to get mine working -- mebbe git a message off," Tripwrecked explains. "Yeah, Don's really going to understand 'cannibalize,'" Mathra snorts. Well, if he did, he'd probably be freakin' scared right about now. In the distance, we can see the crack of yawn making its presence known.
Tripwrecked appears to have been working for awhile, because he mutters about almost being "there." Don uses his word for bad -- "nohkto," the same word he used when he spit out the brown cracker -- and Tripwrecked says, "No, not nohkto. Good." "Gooood," Don imitates. Tripwrecked tells him that as soon as they get back to Enterprise and a UT, the first words out of Don's mouth better be "thank you." Same goes for you and your healed arm, ass. Tripwrecked does something that causes major sparks, and Don throws back his head and hisses out a laugh. I do too. "You think that's funny?" Tripwrecked asks, and presses a button. The transceiver lights up. "Huh? You gonna laugh now?" Tripwrecked taunts. Tripwrecked tries sending a message to Enterprise, but only gets static. "This terrain, it's all volcanic," Tripwrecked waves his hands around. "Igneous rock is heavy in diamagnetic minerals -- it's interfering with the transmission," he recites. Using bits of Don's language that he picked up and lots of arm motion, Tripwrecked tells Don that they have to bring the transceiver up to a higher elevation in order for it to work. God, I am SO BORED! Don twitches in response. You know, when he does that, he bears a striking resemblance to a character in "Fawlty Towers: Gourmet Night." "I'm gonna need help. You [Tripwrecked points at Don] and me [Tripwrecked pats his chest] together." So very not on the ocean. Nor at Tanagra. Don keeps twitching, so Tripwrecked makes a big display of throwing the gun away. He spreads his arms apart and says, "I'm not going to hurt you. And you [he points at Don] are not going to hurt me. We'll work together." "Tripwrecked, his arms open," Mathra says, waking up from a deep doze. Don seems to understand all this, and gestures that Tripwrecked should untie his hands. Of course, as soon as he does, Don attacks Tripwrecked and they go for some extended rolling around in the dust. "I hope they don't end up having sex," Mathra confides. I'm really sick of these fight scenes just as the music tells us they're about to have a communications breakthrough. Not that I really care whether or not they actually have a communications breakthrough, but after three times, it's a bit played -- you know? Although it does keep me from having to recap too much. Somewhere amid the fight, Don scrambled up and recovered the gun. Tripwrecked manages to get it away from him, but Don spits a Loogie Of Sting in his eyes. Why didn't he do that in the first fight? The guy's obviously got a long-range spit-take.
They fight to exhaustion, and both fall to the ground. Tripwrecked manages to get up first and asks, "Is that the best you can do?" Don remains on the ground, twitching and hissing. Tripwrecked recovers the gun and aims it at Don. Don looks nervous under all his latex. Tripwrecked hurls the gun far away where it will never hurt anyone again. "Too bad those guns are shaped like boomerangs -- it's gonna clock him right here," Mathra wishful-thinks. If he was just going to throw it away in a big display of peace, why did he aim it at Don first? Downright rude, that was. "We can fight some more if you want or we can try to get the hell outta here -- whassit gonna be?" Tripwrecked asks.
I guess they choose option three: Deep-fry themselves like Tripwrecked's favorite food. Don and Tripwrecked climb up to a height where the sun is most likely to reach them very quickly, and set up the transceiver.
Enterprise. Hoshi reports that she's picking up a transmission, and tries to get a lock.
Tripwrecked writes in his diary about their current status, "It's been two hours since we started signaling the Enterprise. No response yet. The sun is not even up yet and it's already hotter than hell." Tripwrecked looks over at Don, who's looking a little greener than usual. "My sparring partner dunnit look too good. I can't be sure but I don't think his species can sweat," Tripwrecked says. Maybe you shouldn't have beat him up, then. Tripwrecked records some more pointless information which could only benefit those who decided to tune into the last fourteen minutes of the show, and asks if Don has any words of wisdom to impart. "Nohkto," Don twitches. "That means 'bad,'" Tripwrecked half-laughs, and thinks Hoshi would be proud of his new vocabulary. Don struggles with his canteen, so Tripwrecked unscrews the cap for him. Don drinks and smacks his lips together pathetically. Yawn finally breaks and beats down on the two, and Don crawls to hide in the shade of a tumbleweed. God, shove the poor thing under a damp rock or something!
Time passes, and Tripwrecked is concerned with Don's passivity. He smacks the suffering alien's leg a few times until Don looks up. "Enterprise?" he asks. Tripwrecked gives him the bad news that he just woke him up for no reason. Don lays back down again and hisses, "Damn it." Thank god I have the closed-captioning on or else I wouldn't understand when Don was actually speaking English. Tripwrecked helps Don drink the rest of his own alien liquid. "Don't worry, I'll get Phlox to cook up a new batch for you once we're aboard Enterprise," Tripwrecked tells him. Won't Chef be irritated if the doctor infringes on his territory? Don doesn't seem too jazzed by the prospect, and tries to go back to sleep. In the manner of Quantum in the Osama Bin Dribblin' episode, Tripwrecked yells at Don to stay awake: "Don't die on me now -- unnerstand?" Tripwrecked even gives a few head twitches. Don twitches back. Satisfied by the mutual twitch, Tripwrecked leans back against the rock. The transceiver sputters with Hoshi's voice. "See, I tole you!" Tripwrecked tells an unresponsive Don.
Enterprise. Quantum tells Tripwrecked they're trying to get a lock on their position, and Tripwrecked tells him not to send a sh'pod because it will just go kablooey they way his did. Quantum agrees and thinks the Head & Shoulders atmosphere, though slightly scalp-tingling, will not interfere with the transporter. Tripwrecked tells Quantum he's not alone. "We know -- the Arkonians helped us find you," Quantum explains. "How're you and their pilot getting along?" Tripwrecked tells him they're just like ole friends, but he's worried about Don's dehydration. Quantum tells him to stand by, and orders the transporter beam fired up. Phlox interjects with an "I wouldn't do that, Captain." "What's the problem?" Quantum bellows. Phlox explains that Don's system is in a state of cellular decomposition, and transporting him would be fatal. Quantum explains the situation with transporting Don to Tripwrecked: "We'll try to find a way of getting him back to his ship. But in the meantime, I'm getting you out of there." Tripwrecked pulls a Not Without My Alien, and T'Pol tells him that the surface temperature will be at one hundred thirty degrees soon. Tripwrecked ignores this and says that the Arkonian sh'pods could be modified to make it through the planet's atmosphere to rescue them. He technobabbles the information, and Quantum says they'll talk to the Arkonians but he won't allow Tripwrecked to stay down there much longer. "Understood," Tripwrecked sweats.
Um, is there some big secret the rest of us aren't let in on as to why exactly Enterprise can't beam some Red Cross down? Why don't they at least transport some tents, water, and food to them? Or have we all eaten on the insane root that takes reason prisoner? After doing as much analysis of Don's physiology as Phlox purports to have done, I'm sure he could whip up a batch of Don's Drinking Mud and send that along as well. What the hell, Quantum? Can't you see past your own chin to knock some sense into that thick furrow of yours? Of course, I can always blame the friggin' writers for such a slack-assed plot, but I still think that an actor as powerful as Bakula should be held responsible for not putting his foot down on this kind of rot.
Time has passed. Don's still asleep. Tripwrecked tries to signal Enterprise, and discovers that the intense heat fused some of the transceiver's relays. Taking notice of the inert Don, Tripwrecked throws water in his face. Don splutters awake. Tripwrecked drinks some more water and blathers about Quantum not letting him go out on his own for awhile after this: "I wouldn't be surprised if he knocked me down to Steward. 'Yer orange juice, sir.' 'Jam with marmalade, sir?'" I think we're supposed to understand that he's delirious from heatstroke. Tripwrecked babbles more about not swapping his time on Enterprise for anything, and lists some things he's done and seen. I caught sight of Continuity Wetting His Pants on a few of them, but you know? I really couldn't be bothered to list them. "Oh, and I even got pregnant once -- now, there's a story. I'm sure you have stories, too. That's why we choose this life, right?" Tripwrecked mutters to Don. What about the first time you almost died in the desert? That was fun. For me. Tripwrecked looks over at the three suns and, through his delirium, makes out a small ship heading their way. He coughs and shakes Don awake. They both squint at the ship.
Outer space. The Arkonian mother ship glides alongside Enterprise. Escorted by T'Pol, Capt. Arkonian pays a visit to Quantum. "I just got a report from my doctor," Quantum tells him. "Your pilot is responding well. He'll be ready to go home in a few hours." "And your crewman?" Capt. Arkonian asks. "He's tired and a bit sunburned, but he's doing fine," Quantum tells him. "A bit sunburned"? Whatever, Capt. Nonchalant. "If I discover that my pilot fired on your shuttle without provocation, he'll be disciplined," Capt. Arkonian says. "It was a misunderstanding," Capt. Quantum magnanimizes. "I...hope...we...can...avoid...them....in...the...future." And I hope we can avoid a Yawn of the Ages episode like this in the future. Capt. Arkonian expects them to leave the system immediately, "as agreed." Quantum nods. Capt. Arkonian turns to T'Pol, who opens the door to let him out. "I guess we won't be adding the Arkonians to our list of friends," Quantum tells T'Pol. "The encounter was less volatile than I expected," T'Pol assures him. Quantum chuckles. "You managed to establish better relations in a single day than the Vulcans have in a century," T'Pol continues. Quantum looks toward the door and puts on his Furrow Of Patting Himself On The Back. "Let's hope it stays that way," he says.
Sickbay. A cleaned-up -- but still slightly bruised, I'm glad to note -- Tripwrecked enters and asks how Don's doing. Don is sitting on the examination table right in front of Phlox. "Why don't you ask him yourself?" Phlox suggests. "The Universal Translator is online." Phlox walks away. Don stares at Tripwrecked. Tripwrecked looks uncomfortable. "They, uh, told me another ten minutes of sunshine and we'd have been cooked," Tripwrecked tells him. "Taratt-aagh!" Don responds. Tripwrecked turns to Phlox and says, "I though you said the UT was working." "I believe you promised me some taratt-aagh," Don rephrases. See, his first words weren't "thank you." "Aw, yew meen that brown stuff yew were drinkin'," Tripwrecked understands. Don twitches in agreement. "Won't take a minute. Ennything else while I'm at it? Our chef is making something called Chicken Marsala tonight," Tripwrecked suggests. Don just repeats, "Taratt-aagh," and Tripwrecked repeats it with him, adding, "Gotcha." Tripwrecked starts to walk out, but Don says, "Trip. When I fired at your vessel. I'm grateful I didn't destroy it." "That makes two of us," Tripwrecked admits, smiling slightly through his cut lip. I guess in Don's state, he wasn't in any mood to snarf up some more healing saliva for Tripwrecked's wounds. Tripwrecked leaves. Is it just me, or did Don check out Tripwrecked's butt as he walked out?
Outer space. The Arkonian ship and Enterprise go their separate ways.
And it looks like we've got a month before any new episodes kick in for February sweeps.