Who am I, you ask? More specifically, what kind of geek am I? ["The hot, not-fired kind!" -- Sars] Don't worry. I'm one of you. That is to say, I'm into Trek. But an aversion to Scott Bakula -- or Count Chocula, as I like to call him -- plus the fact that this latest offering to the Trek franchise blows donkey, means I barely know the characters' proper names. I mean, I know it's supposed to be a prequel to the original series, and that they used to have a stupid beagle which was in fact the first dog in space, but I've only seen Enterprise a few times and god does it ever suck. So, gentle reader, bear with me if I make up nicknames for characters any fan knows. And please, laugh at the jokes.
The Bridge. The music is already tense and poundy as we see a control panel whir and make a noise that is space-geek talk for "all is clearly not well." The British guy says the ship being identified on his monitor doesn't even seem to have a warp signature. T'Pol says flatly that it's approaching at warp six. So, um, no warp signature, eh? British Guy looks properly de-pantsed. Count Chocula stands up and says, possibly about nothing in particular, "How big is it?" Oh, it's so big. I've never seen one that big. Not in my hand, anyway. Oh, sorry, I thought I was recapping Sex & The City again. Anyway, British Guy says that it, meaning the ship, is in fact big. Five hundred meters across. Ooh, baby. The "beer can," or ship, comes within visual range and is put on the screen. Boy, is it zooming ever-menacingly towards them. Count Chocula asks T'Pol if it looks familiar. She says it's "not in the Vulcan database." She had time to check? And the Beer Can doesn't respond when hailed. Oooh! No it di'in't. Apparently it doesn't even have a transceiver on board. Oh, snap! The Beer Can is gaining on the Enterprise; then without a doubt it swallows them up. Then it burps and licks its lips.
Theme song of pain. I wonder if the guy that wrote this dreck (sorry, Diane Warren, usually you can do no wrong) used car commercials as inspiration. You know, "OH-OOOHH, LIKE A ROCK!!" That, and Rod Stewart's '80s "hits." Here's the lyrics:
It's been a looong roooad...
Gettin' from there to heeere.
It's been a long time...but my time is finally near!
And I will see my dream come alive at last.
I will touch the sky and they're not gonna hold me down no mo', no they're not gonna change mah mind!
Cause I got fa-yaith! Of the heaaar-arrt!
That's quite enough of that. So, yeah -- the Enterprise has been swallowed up, and while the power is still operating ship-wide, they can't get the weapons to function. They're "off-line," as Brit Guy says. Tucker hails the bridge and says the engines "just went down," though life support is "fully operational." T'Pol knows nothing about anything; she can't get through to whoever swallowed them whole, and can't detect any bio-signs. Count Chocula commands that the dorsal camera be rotated thirty percent and kablammo, on-screen is a groovy little light show. It's like fireflies on an engine, or something down in the Haight in '69 crossed with the works of H.R. Geiger. Oh, and the atmosphere is helium, xenon, and balonium. Count Chocula is all, "Prep a shuttlepod." As if! T'Pol watches him go like the good little Vulcan-thing she isn't.
Shuttlepod. Count Chocula, Tucker, and British Guy are all in space suits by Gap. The atmosphere is changing as they stand there, like something knows what they like/need to breathe. They watch the lightshow (Poltergeist! Cocoon! A touch of Dead Last) and comment on how the lights don't read as life forces of any known type, and yet the atmosphere has changed, and how can that be? "They sure look alive to me!" Oh my god, get on with it already. The three dudes hang out with their metaphorical dicks in their hands until a light blob comes up and blows through them. They all grab onto each other, silently saying, "AAAUUUGHH!" Then, everything's cool. Then the same yellow light blob comes up and smooshes its way into Trip, making his helmet light up, then leaves his body. He says, "Whoa." He does not say, "I know kung fu." Then he asks, "What happened?" Count Chocula says he was just going to ask that same question. Dude, you were STANDING RIGHT THERE. The blob entered him. Not like that. Well, maybe like that. Trip says it was like he was up on the ceiling watching them. They hustle back to the ship, but not before Tucker is all, "I was in Florida!" Ah, Florida. America's wang.
Dr. Phlox, Count Chocula, and British Guy hang out staring at Tucker, who's behind a glass wall like a piece of pie at a Horn and Hardart's. He's fine, except for the thinking he was in Florida thing. Seriously, except for the aged and college kids, who voluntarily wants to be in Florida? But the good doctor says that Trip checks out, so he's free to go. Tucker zips up his uniform and says that the light-shifting experience was "amazing." Count Chocula says he'd like to keep him in Sick Bay, but he needs him right now. You mean because the ship is all swallowed by another ship and they have no idea what it is or what it wants? Yeah, that. Heh heh, ship-swallowing -- woo! And oh, I can't wait to hear more about "Tarpon Beach." Tucker looks at Count Chocula and says, "Tarpon SCHPRINGS." Whatever, the fictitious beaches on America's wang, who cares.
Count Chocula looks out of his window at the big old crazy ship that's swallowed his. T'Pol walks in and Count Chocula, desperate to create conflict in this boring boring show, starts yelling at her. "It's like we're in the belly of the beast!" Or in the middle of Cocoon IV: The Old Get Young Some More. T'Pol is all, "We have no idea their intentions are hostile." This ep reminds me of that TNG ep when Wesley (a.k.a. "Shut Up And Get Off The Bridge") had a stupid petri dish project that grew, and they had to find out how they lost a few days, and Data was all, dudes? Don't even worry about it, dudes. And the Captain was all, Data's a LIAH! Why is he LYING to us! All I'm saying is, T'Pol is like a wet potato chip when you'd think she'd be trying to get to the bottom of this issue.
Count Chocula yells at her some more about getting the engines and weapons back online (we heard you the first time, scary cereal spokesperson), then asks why she came to see him. Well, Sato is trying to communicate with the life forms, and the crew is "concerned but calm." Count Chocula just says he's "got to get them out of here." Who? The crew? The light blobs? Now I know why I don't watch this show.
Tucker dramatically takes his post in the engine room, and a light blob comes up and just straight-up enters him. No dinner, no flowers, no foreplay. Just wham blam, in his head, ma'am. Tucker gets blank, then calls a dark-haired guy "sir" and walks right out of Engineering. Dark-Hair calls the Count right away. Tattletale. Count Chocula hails Tucker, but gets no response. Then he tells T'Pol grimly, "Find him." T'Pol rolls her eyes, then starts tapping away on the keyboard. Wow, me and Keckler are kind of like T'Pol, right?
Space Cafeteria, where everything costs $19.99. Tucker is, um, tucking away an ice cream sundae. There's a whole big old spread laid out in front of him. Count Chocula, T'Pol, and British Guy walk in with those actorly looks on their faces and heads cocked like, "Ooh, this is odd. A man...is eating." Tucker identifies himself to them ("Charles Tucker III"), then asks if Count Chocula has "ever eaten this before." It's a piece of white bread. That's kind of hilarious. Count Chocula is all, "It's bread." White bread, to be precise. It's a metaphor. Remember how the original series was so fucking cool? And this is just nutritionless white bread. Sigh. I'm starved for nutrients, y'all. Anyway, the blob of light is totally occupying Tucker's body, and Tucker is out there somewhere exploring the blob's world. Count Chocula cocks his giant head, walks stage right, and says he "wants him back right now." Tucker/Blob says that "he is no longer corporeal, but he will be." Swear? Well, okay. Enjoy your white bread! Later. Just kidding. British Guy steps up and says he saw a blob of light (or "wisp of vapor") enter Tucker when they were standing outside in their space suits. British Guy? You don't need to spell it out. We're all with you. Some of us may even be ahead of you. Tucker/Blob is all, "'Wisp.' What an interesting word. Wisp. Wissssp." Oh my fucking god. Tucker/Blob is all, youse guys are faascinatings! With "bodies that need maintenance...you have gender...you require mates to reproduce...you eat food!" So, the light blobs are just checking out their "ancestors." I'm so sure we can evolve past mating and food. We can't even evolve past jealousy, or war. Count Chocula goes on the offensive and says, "Give me back my crewman," but he says it like "Silverman" or "Doberman" instead of with the accent on both syllables. Tucker/Blob is all, open your mind, man!
Okay, we're back from commercial, and Count Chocula is looking out the window at the stars. So, the ship is free now. That's, um, nice. He whirls around and demands to know about Tucker. Tucker/Blob sits in front of his white-trash buffet spread and says he's "enjoyed [his] time with [him]." Then, blob entry/exit/re-entry. Then Tucker's back, and boy howdy, did he have a good old time, riding horses with Hopalong Cassidy, and raking leaves with his dad when he was eight or nine, but it was as real as he's sitting there, and hey, they all should try it! They said everyone could try it! Go on, try it, Cap'n! One Tucker to Sick Bay, stat. Count Chocula leans in to T'Pol and whispers, "Something smells funny." Is it the stale white bread? T'Pol is all, they released the ship, so chill. Hey, Data? Go and run those tests again, 'kay?
The Captain is making a log. Heh. He's all, T'Pol says the blobs just want to learn about us, but I'm threatened because they're so different. The door chimes and he pauses the computer. It's the doctor. He says a blob entered him right in the middle of his giant horseshoe crab head, but the physiology "wasn't compatible." Oh, and it was "very disturbing." Okaaay.
A blob enters British Guy. He starts vamping and pouting most Zoolanderishly. Is that Blue Steel? Tiger Trap! He gets on the elevator and asks if his riding companion is a female. He's a male. She says she was aware of that. He notes the differences in their anatomy, and she exits, saying, "SIR."
T'Pol's quarters. He's all, "Were you aware you are the most attractive woman on this ship? Please remove your clothes." What a great line. But it doesn't work. She hails the Captain and requests a security team. Brit/Blob is all, don't be afraid. What's it like being a female? Count Chocula and the security team come in and bust up the party. Count Chocula is all, "See how you enjoy the human condition locked in Reed's quarters!" Brit/Blob just stares at the Count, like he wants a piece of that, too.
Count Chocula calls down to Tucker and tells him he wants the ship "out of here." Like you can outrun a light blob. You can't even identify them as life forces! Tucker says okay, then tells a crew member to do something. Off-camera, the crewman is blob-raped. How do I know this? Because the guy just plays dumb. Boy, are those blobs ever wily.
Bridge. Sato says she's been getting reports from all over the ship that crew members are acting strangely. Count Chocula dispatches security teams to corral them all. Another deck-hand asks what if the security teams have been light-blobbed? Well, um, shut up! Chocula whirls and tells T'Pol to go figure out who's been blobbed and who hasn't. Oh, and get Dr. Phlox to help her, too! Tucker works on the engines with his one un-blobbed crew member. Sato asks Count Chocula what's "keeping them from taking all of us?" Oh, taking you with their big...ship? Well, nothing that I can see. Space ethics, maybe? I mean, that ship just came right up and started messing with them, and we're thirty minutes in and nowhere near a resolution, so yeah, I'd say you're screwed. And as soon as Tucker says he's got the engines back online, well, Count Chocula says they aren't going anywhere. They've still got Reed! And, um, probably some other crew members!
Dr. Horseshoe Crab Head and T'Pol have figured it out: elevated acetylcholine levels = blobbing. So, they're going to scan the crew, find the blobbed, and then they'll be off. And by reducing the levels, the person is un-blobbed? Oh, whatever.
Space Cafeteria. Dr. Horseshoe Crab Head and T'Pol find the two blobbed crewmen, and have a little snack.
Mayweather just misses a blobbing, then finds that the blob won't follow him into the catwalk. Count Chocula orders that all the un-blobbed crew members get into the central catwalk. They've got those blobs on the run! The Count asks Hoshi to get in there, and she spins slowly in her chair and says, all Hal-like, "It would be best if they stayed where they are." Ooh, no she di'in't! Count Chocula grabs her (look out, Space Invaders!) and demands that she/blob give him back his crew. Hoshi/Blob is all, I can understand how you would be frightened. Count Chocula doesn't waste a moment and calls security.
Catwalk. Everyone do a little twirl. For the mathy geeks, T'Pol tells Count Chocula that there are fifty-eight crew members there (un-blobbed) and twenty-four confined to quarters (blobbed). T'Pol asks the Count for permission to leave the safety of the catwalk and, you know, interface with a blob. Because ("no offense") the Vulcan mind is a little better equipped to handle invasion than the human mind. "It can resist temptations, emotions, and, [she] believe[s], invasions by these life forms." She just wants to understand their motives. Count Chocula is not having it. But what choice does he have?
Dr. Horseshoe Crab Head gets a call from T'Pol: Hoshi has broken her leg and needs medical attention. He sighs heavily and looks worried. Wow, I wonder if anything is fishy about this. He walks slowly to her quarters with a phaser in hand. When he arrives, he announces that he's armed. Then, after a thorough scanning, she's totally uninjured! And she wants access to the rest of the un-blobbed crew members! Wow, I didn't see that coming! They fight, and even though she kicks him in the space groin, like, fifteen times, he manages to keep the phaser away from her and inject her with knockout juice.
T'Pol leaves the catwalk and stalks the corridors with her huge boobs. In, like, a second, a light blob invades her.
Count Chocula says to the Doctor via comm, "Take her to her quarters." Phlox is about to inject her with space knockout juice when the blob leaves her and disappears into a wall. She collapses a bit, then grabs Phlox and is all, "We have to talk to the captain!" He's all, what's my name, and she says, "We haven't got time for this, Phlox!" White bread.
Powwow with Count Chocula. T'Pol reports that the blobs are "lying to us." Well, "eighty-two of them are. Their ship is deteriorating and they can't survive in space." So the blobs are just plain old body-snatchers, looking to be corporeal again. Where's Reed? They need him back. Count Chocula asks if the blobs can live in a "host that's dead." Well, no. T'Pol says, "They'd die." Count Chocula hails the doctor.
Catwalk. Work it! Mayweather asks some dudes where Tucker is. Then he leaves the catwalk to tell the Captain that Tucker is missing. Um, is that the plan?
Phlox pokes around the control panels to adjust the gas levels in central ventilation. As he speaks via comm, Tucker appears with a weapon or something in his hand. Then Tucker is back in the catwalk fiddling with a panel; then he's robotically running through the catwalk and knocking people down to escape. Mayweather follows him, yelling that it's "not safe" to go out there. Um, Mayweather was just out there. Whoops, Tucker is gone.
Phlox is still being coached by Count Chocula on how to open the control panels to change the gasses in central ventilation. He says to "use a little muscle," and T'Pol gets a reaction shot. Muscle! Dr. Phlox? HA! But in that inscrutable Vulcan way. Phlox finally gets the panel off and, in a show of slapstick, falls down with the effort. Mayweather comes in and tells Count Chocula and T'Pol that Tucker is AWOL, "out the front hatch." Just as Phlox is getting the levels right, Tucker jumps on him. But the gasses do their gassy thing, and after a struggle with the non-muscley Phlox, Tucker eventually succumbs. The ship takes off, with unconscious Hoshi and Tucker (and the other twenty-two) in tow. The big, throbbing ship follows them, but guess what? They get away. When Tucker comes to, he says he "was just at a barbecue. [He'd] never seen so many ribs!" Phlox tells him to follow him, because they "have a lot of doors to unlock." White bread.