So here I was, thinking that as Enterprise was handing me a nice long hiatus for the month of March, I would just be kicking back, actually seeing the light of day, and generally reclaiming my life. Then, because Mathra hadn't seen it in years, we watched "The Corbomite Maneuver," I started in with the massive amounts of hyperventilation, and I knew I had to let my personal life go for a little bit longer.
Sulu technobabbles. Crazy-man camera work zigzags in on Spock, who shouts, "STAND-byyy to-photow-GRAPH!" Okay, not only is he being a Shouting Vulcan, he's also doing some odd syllabic stress placement. The only way for me to do real justice to Nimoy's delivery is to break out the feet. That first line was spondaic, anapestic, iambic. Crazy-Man Camera flies up to the ceiling so that we can look down on the set. "That particular angle is from 'The Cage,'" Mathra informs me. Spock orders some pictures taken of fake outer space, and a lower-ranking officer sighs as he hands Spock a clipboard, complaining about how long they've been photographing the fake nothing. There's something really wrong with Spock's hair, but I simply can't put my finger on it. It's like his bangs are all piecey but also uneven. Sulu reports an object heading their way. "De-FLECT-torrrs full-inten-SI-TY!" Iambic, dactylic, spondaic. Spock sounds the alarm and then "countermands" it a few milliseconds later. They do a lot of "countermanding" of orders in this episode -- wonder when they decided that "belay that!" had much more of an impact. The mysterious object comes into view. It's a cube. Not a Borg cube, but a cube that looks like the logo of something that I tried for two weeks to remember and got no further than giving myself a mental thrombosis. It's got red on one side, yellow on the other, and blue on the third. It spins on an axis and glows. They can't go around it, they can't go under it -- they might as well go through it! Anyone else remember that childhood ditty? The cube keeps getting in their face. "It's blocking the way!" the lower-ranking complainer cries out. "Quite unnecessary to raise your voice, Mr. Bailey," Spock tells him. Pot? You've got a little schmutz on your nose. Spock asks that the alarm be sounded. Sulu gets on the comm and says, "Bridge to all decks -- condition alert. All decks -- condition alert. Captain Kirk to the Bridge." I put that line in its full because of what happens in Sick Bay.
Kirk logs a recap of the first two minutes. Spock stays on the Bridge, glaring into the viewscreen. "My location: Sick Bay. Quarterly physical check," Kirk finishes. Aaaand we go right to a greased-up and shirtless Kirk doing some sort of reverse Stairmaster in Sick Bay. He's on his back -- just the way he likes it -- and is pumping his feet against two spongy-looking pads. Are those always in Sick Bay? Bones monitors his vitals. Kirk drops his legs -- he's wearing weird blue slippers, sort of like the kind doctors wear over their regular shoes -- and groans. Bones tells him to keep at it, and hints that he could stand to break out another bottle of Johnson & Johnson's Baby Oil. Interestingly enough, Bones notes the red alert flashing out of Kirk's sight, but doesn't say anything. What confuses me is this: Sulu got on the comm, announced the general alert, and requested that Kirk come to the Bridge. Are you trying to tell me that Sick Bay is surrounded by soundproof scenery or something? Why else wouldn't Kirk have heard it? Kirk finally sits up with some more grumbling and spies the red alert. He immediately, and without putting a shirt on, goes to the Sick Bay computer and asks the Bridge what's up. Spock shows him the threatening cube and explains the situation. Kirk says he'll be right up. He grabs his shirt and snaps at Bones, "You could see the alarm lights flashing from there, McCoy -- why didn't you tell me?" Kirk stalks out, with Bones shouting after him, "I had to finish the physical on you, didn't I?" At this point Kirk has completely left the room. "What am I? A doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?" Bones continues. Whuh? What does a moon shuttle conductor know about red alerts? Also? Considering how awkward that line was for Bones to get out, I can see why they switched to the "Dammit, Jim -- I'm a doctor, not a Zamboni driver!" catchphrase. "If I jumped every time a light came on around here I'd end up talking to myself," Bones says to himself. Hee -- I love Cranky Bones.
Bridge. Spock taps Bailey's console and reprimands him, "All decks have reported green, Mr. Bailey." I don't even know what he's talking about. If they're all on red alert, why would decks be "reporting green"? Maybe I don't know what "reporting green" means, but Spock did make a point of tapping at a place on the con where there was a red knob lit up. I'm just so confused that I think I'll stop thinking. Bailey basically rolls his eyes at this. "And when the Captain arrives he'll expect a full report --" Spock continues. "On the cube's range and position -- I'll have it by then," Bailey finishes edgily. Spock looks around and takes note of information, but seems to ignore Bailey's snottiness. "Raising my voice back there doesn't mean I was scared or couldn't do my job it means I happen to have a human thing called an adrenaline gland," Bailey grudges out. I believe it's actually called an adrenal gland, Beetle Bailey. Spock mm-hmms this and comments, "It does sound most inconvenient. Have you looked into having it removed?" Spock walks out of the frame. See, that was the genius of Nimoy. He could deliver one of these snippy Vulcan lines with such a ho-hum attitude that it just sang with comedy. I love him. "Very funny," Beetle mutters, more to Sulu than to Spock. Sulu beams at him, "You try to cross brains with Spock, he'll cut you to pieces every time." That's the first Brown-Nose Attempt Sulu makes in this episode. Don't worry, there are many more.
Kirk's Kwarters. Kirk pulls on his shirt in front of his computer calls the Bridge. "SPOHCK HERE!" Spock English-accents. Kirk ascertains that the cube is giving out no signs of life, and asks that the department heads meet him on the Bridge. "Department heads"? Since when is he Ted Turner? "Already stahnding by," Spock confirms. Kirk leaves. As he goes, the camera pans down to show us exactly how successful the reverse Stairmaster was in ass-tone-age. Not very.
Bridge. Crazy Cameraman is back, and this time he's using a handheld to follow Kirk around. Kirk assesses the situation and learns from Spock that the cube is solid, but they don't know what it's made of. Uhura, in a yellow dress tonight, says that her hails are going nowhere. Beetle and Sulu give Kirk some truly pointless cube information. "Scotty?" Kirk prompts. Yeah, where are all these department heads we heard so much about? It is just Scotty and then Bones, who is leaning over the railing? Scotty doesn't know what makes the thing go. "I'll buy speculation," Kirk tells him. "I'd sell it if I had any," Scotty quips back. As much as these actors may have hated each other in life, onscreen they had real chemistry. Quantum and Co. couldn't find chemistry if Bill Nye The Science Guy stuck all their hands in Bunsen burners. "Life sciences?" Kirk asks. Bones doesn't know anything either. Beetle wants to know if they're just going to let the cube hold them captive. "I vote we blast it!" he adds. Kirk steps into his chair and says, "I'll keep that in mind, Mr. Bailey, [beat] when this becomes a democracy." Beetle heaves his shoulders and turns back to his con. Kirk smiles slightly.
Situation room. Kirk logs that they've sat around, drank coffee, fiddled with little plastic disks, and found nothing out for the past eighteen hours. Spock thinks it's either a marker or a trap. "And you don't recommend sticking around?" Kirk leads. "Negative. It would make us appear too weak," Spock opines. Kirk announces, "It's time for action, gentlemen!" Uh, and Uhura! As Kirk says his name, Beetle literally jumps the gun and phones up the phaser gun crew. "Countermand. I'll select what kind of action, Mr. Bailey," Kirk overrules. Beetle apologizes and tries to explain. "Are you explaining, Mr. Bailey?" Kirk interrupts. "I haven't requested an explanation. Now, as I was about to say, Navigator, plot us a spiral course away from the cube." Everyone picks up their coffees and stacks of squares and leaves. Sulu gives some directions to the helm.
Bridge. The ship tries to pull away from the cube, but unfortunately, with every move they make, the cube is watching them. Spock shouts about increasing radiation. They continue their pull-out method. The cube continues to dog their trail. Spock shouts about increasing radiation. This cycle continues for a bit. My, but does Nichelle Nichols have gorgeous eyes or what? Beetle shouts out some reports and shields his eyes from the cube's increasing Technicolor. Kirk gives Beetle a steady, appraising look before giving more pull-out orders. See that? Right there -- so much depth of character between the two actors, so subtle, yet so powerful! As Spock shouts that the radiation levels are now at lethal levels, Kirk remains perfectly calm. Finally, Kirk orders the phasers at the ready. More rising action. More Technicolor. More evidence of Beetle (but not Continuity) wetting his pants. Kirk orders the phasers locked on target. Beetle doesn't respond. Kirk gives the order again. Beetle responds. Kirk orders the phasers fired. The phasers are fired, the cube explodes, and all over the ship people fall down in hallways. The bridge crew is also a bit out of sorts. That is, except for Kirk, who stays slouched in his chair, needing only a beer and his Voyage Home gut to complete the dissipated picture.
Kirk logs that the cube is destroyed, and as he paces about the Bridge, his hand to his head, his log wonders if he should give orders to turn back or to continue on. Looking through his viewfinder, Spock reports no action around them. Kirk wants him to speculate what would happen if they kept heading up-river. "'Speculate'? No. Logically, we'll discover the intelligence which sent out the cube," Spock orates, a Uhura-brand listening device sticking out of his ear. They discuss what kind of intelligence they will come across. "And if you're asking the logical decision to make --" Spock begins. Kirk holds up his hands: "No, I'm not. The mission of the Enteprise is to seek out and contact alien life." "Has it occurred to you that there's a certain...inefficiency in constantly questioning me on things you've already made up your mind about?" Spock wonders. Hee. Kirk smiles that it gives him emotional security. Spock raises his eyebrows and almost smiles with his Max Factorily made-up eyes. We can see some crews repairing Beetle's console, while Kirk nags him for being "sluggish" and slow to lock in the phasers. Bones walks onto the Bridge in time to hear all of this. Kirk pinches the bridge of his nose and orders Beetle and Sulu to go through a series of exercises until they are proficient. "Your timing is lousy, Jim," Bones mutters to him as he follows Kirk onto the turbolift. Bones starts to say something, but Kirk interrupts him as he tells the turbolift, "Captain's quarters." What -- no deck number? It just drops him off at his door? No wonder he gets so many women; I'll bet he pre-programs the turbolift to dump the chosen women directly on his welcome mat. That's door-to-door service: "Delivery in thirty minutes or less or your orgasm is free!"
Bones continues his reprimanding of Kirk, telling him that the men are tired. "Aren't you the one who said a little suffering is good for the soul?" Kirk asks. "I never say that," Bones avers, looking straight ahead. After an official Coo-Eee sounds, we can hear Beetle directing the navigational tests Kirk ordered, and Bones tells Kirk that he is particularly worried about Beetle cracking under the pressure. Over Beetle's barking, Kirk thinks Beetle "will cut it." "Oh? How so sure? Because you spotted something you like in him? Something familiar? Like yourself, say about, oh, eleven years ago?" Bones wonders. Kirk massages his temples and teases Bones about reading textbooks. "I don't need textbooks to know that you could've promoted him too fast -- listen to that voice," Bones says seriously. They listen a bit before getting off the turbolift. What are we listening for, exactly? Signs that his nads haven't dropped yet -- what?
Kirk's Kwarters. Bones pours some crème de banane into these cool cordial glasses with pyramid stems made of blue crystal. In the background, Beetle's voice continues to bark exercise orders. Bones hands a drink to Kirk. "What's ?" Kirk asks, "'They're not machines, Jim'?" "Well, they're not," Bones agrees. "After what they've been through, they really should --" Kirk interrupts Bones to say that he's heard the good doctor say man is superior to any mechanical device. Bones interrupts him and tells him he's misquoting him again. Spock interjects over the comm to report that the exercise rating is over ninety-four percent. Kirk wants one hundred. "Agreed," Spock responds, with just the slightest hint of reservation in his voice. Okay, look at this -- it's only Episode Three (in the production order, not the airing order) and they already have established complex relationships between four characters. What is wrong with the world today? Bones wonders what Kirk intends to do with his extra six percent. "I'm gonna take it and I'm gonna --" Kirk starts, but Yeoman Rand parades in carrying a covered tray. "Excuse me, sir, but its time you had something to eat, sir," she announces. Are you serious? Uhura as receptionist, and Rand as flight attendant? Ugh. Rand sets the tray down behind Kirk and spreads out a gauzy indigo piece of nothing before she sets down a plate of salad. She turns the lights up. "What the devil is this?" Kirk bellows. "Green leaves?!" Rand gives Kirk some utensils: "Dietary salad, sir. Dr. McCoy ordered your diet card changed -- I thought you knew." Bones reminds Kirk that his weight was up a couple of pounds. Rand spreads another bit of indigo gauziness on Kirk's lap. Bet they're all pieces of her lingerie collection. Rand attempts to take Kirk's glass of crème de cacao away from him, but he stops her, saying, "Will you stop hovering over me, Yeoman?" Rand offers to change "it" if he doesn't like "it." What is "it," exactly? If Bones ordered his dietary card changed, there's not much Kirk can do if he doesn't like "it." And if she's referring to something else, well...get a Vulctoria's Secret catalog.
Kirk orders Rand to bring the same dietary salad to Bones. Bones puts a stop to this by saying that he only eats after the crew eats. Is that a take-off on the saying that a captain of a ship sleeps only after his crew sleeps? Kirk thanks Rand, and she leaves. On the comm system, Beetle prepares to put the crew through more paces. "When I get my hands on the headquarters genius that assigned me a female yeoman --" Kirk starts. Either he's trying to invoke the whole asinine "female driver" analogy, which...don't even get me started, or he's saying that the very fact of his irresistibility means female yeomen will hover over and annoy him. Either way, it's sexist. "What's the matter, Jim, don't you trust yourself?" Bones wonders. I love Bones. Kirk pulls a face until we hear Sulu ordering an alert and repeating that it is not a drill. Kirk calls the Bridge, and Spock tells him they're picking up an object. Kirk says he's on his way. He tosses Yeoman Rand's underwear on top of his salad before walking out. Bones just sits there and shakes his head. I agree -- what way to ruin a good plate of arugula.
Bridge. Spock prairie-dogs into view and reports "exceptionally strong contact." Whatever that means, since they can't even SEE it yet. Finally, Sulu's brown nose catches sight of it on the viewscreen and points it out. It's a sphere. Cube, sphere, what's ? An irascible pyramid? The ship shakes, and Beetle announces that they're caught in something's tractor beam. From this distance, the glowing, tendril-covered sphere looks like the blotted-out sun on Angel. Kirk orders phasers at the ready. The sphere gets closer and closer, and it is starting to look like something I'd insist on buying in a science museum gift shop. From outer space, the sphere looks like it's going to net Enterprise in the same bad graphics as "Encounter at Farpoint" did. "This is the United Earth Ship Enterprise, we convey greetings and await your reply," Kirk announces. (Note: He doesn't announce them as "Federation Starship Enterprise.") Radio silence. Beetle listens with an Uhura earpiece. He's the third crewmember to have one of those in this episode alone. Do you think they're standard Starfleet issue? Beetle is picking up a message coming over his navigation beam. Huh? Kirk orders Uhura to tap into it. We hear an echoing voice: "...and trespassed into our star systems. This is Balock, commander of the flagship Fesarius of the First Federation." The echoing voice -- why do bad guys always have echoing voices in these things? Do you think they perpetually live near a canyon? -- goes on to say that they are inferior and destroyed his warning cube buoy, so now they're in deep space caca. Kirk sends out a message to the rubber bathing cap with daisies and tries to explain that they are on a peaceful mission and did not understand the purpose of the cubuoy. In the middle of his explanation, some serious static erupts. The crew grab their ears. I have this vision of Balock on the other end going, "Crrrrkkkk, I'm sorry you're breaking up -- crkkkkkkk -- going through tunnel -- crkkkkkk!"
Spock announces that they're being probed, and Balock says he's screening his calls, and that if they act in a hostile manner, he will destroy the ship. Kirk ponders, and Spock tells him that the sophisticated entity is managing to shut down many of their systems. When they talk about these "sophisticated" entities, beings, and consciousnesses, do you think they mean "sophisticated" in the sense that they shop at Barneys and buy Jo Malone? I'm just wondering. Kirk orders a recorder marker sent out to warn other vessels. Beetle doesn't react. Sulu looks concerned. "Mr. Bailey?" Kirk prompts. I think I've figured out why we never see this guy again. Beetle finally snaps to and sends out the marker. There's an exterior explosion, and Balock explains that he destroyed their recorder marker. For some reason, it strikes me as really funny that Balock uses the exact term "recorder marker." Balock goes on, "You have been examined." And he's found that Kirk needs to eat much more dietary salad. Balock ignores me and says that the ship must be destroyed: "We make the assumption that you have a deity or deities or some such beliefs, which comfort you -- we therefore grant you ten Earth time periods, known as 'minutes,' to make preparations." Spock tries to locate where the voice is coming from, because he thinks it would be "interesting" to get a visual of their destroyer. Bones enters the Bridge and tells Kirk that Balock's message was heard all over the ship, which prompts Kirk to get on the comm and do a little scenery-chewing pep talk with the aim of bolstering the morale of the crew. Beetle looks like he's close to rocking himself into a fit.
Kirk contacts the alien vessel and tries to tell them they're on a mission of friendship and will just go back the way they came. A high hum sounds all over the ship in the middle of Kirk's transmission. The Bridge crew either grab their ears, look around wildly, or, in Beetle's case, just look supremely bored. Kirk asks Beetle to plot and lay in a course. Beetle acts confused and totally out of it. Sulu The Brown-Noser reaches over, pushes two buttons, and reports, "Course plotted and laid in, sir!" Someone's bed is getting to get short-sheeted tonight. I find it interesting that he can not only plot but also lay in a new course with two clicks of the same button. Aren't there graphs or charts or an axis that should come into play? At the very least, there should be a parametric equation. The warp engines don't react. Neither do the impulse engines or the weapons. Spock suddenly thinks he can get a visual. The viewscreen tunes in a waving image of a blue alien with a pointed chin and gaping mouth. The whole crew stands agog. With jerky head movements, the alien tells them they are wasting their time and have eight Earth minutes left. I wonder what aliens would make of a New York minute. Kirk slumps in his chair as Spock comments, "I was curious to see how they appeared." Kirk responds absently, "Yes, of course you were." This is Beetle's cue to have a complete meltdown. He accuses Spock of wasting time, and everyone else of just sitting around. "Somebody's got to DO SOMETHING!" Beetle shouts. Bones tells him to take it easy. "What do they WANT from us? Let's find out what they want us to DO!" Beetle appeals to the doctor, his hands raised in supplication. Kirk tells Beetle that the alien ship wants them to "lose [their] heads." Beetle bawls that they only have eight minutes left. "Seven minutes and forty-five seconds," Sulu corrects him. Not only is his bed getting short-sheeted, but he's also waking up with one less eyebrow. Beetle freaks about Sulu doing a countdown, and then goes on to freak about a whole lot of other things. Kirk relieves Beetle of duty because he's afraid that if the guy is allowed to go on much longer, there won't be enough scenery left for an amuse bouche. Bones escorts Beetle to his quarters and throws Kirk A Look on his way out. Picking up Beetle's leftovers, Kirk tries to explain to the alien ship their motive for destroying the cube buoy. The alien ship sounds off another high hum, and Balock's blue face tells them they have seven minutes left.
The appliqué daisy bathing cap looms over Enterprise. Kirk ponders their situation with Spock: "There must be something to do -- something I've overlooked?" "Chess," Spock offers. "When one is outmatched the game is over -- checkmate." "Is that your best recommendation?" Kirk bites. Spock stumbles over his sentence when he says he can find "no logical alternative." Kirk walks away. Bones enters the Bridge and starts railing on Kirk for driving Beetle too hard. He tells Kirk he's going to enter Beetle's condition in his medical log as simple fatigue, but Kirk tells him he will make the decision. They bicker. Bones informs Kirk that he intends to challenge the Captain in his medical records: "I'll state that I warned you about Bailey's condition -- now that's no bluff, Captain!" "Anytime you can bluff me, Doctor!" Kirk explodes. The whole Bridge looks at them with interest. Balock intones that they have three minutes left. Kirk calms down a bit and tells Bones he hopes they have time to debate it later. "Not chess, Mr. Spock," Kirk chews with that telltale panel of Kirk Light across his face, "POKER!" I quote that line specifically for Couch Baron's benefit, whose response was, "'Poker'? But I hardly know her!" Kirk rhetorically asks if Spock knows the game before asking Uhura to plug him into a ship-to-ship. Kirk takes the time to sling his arm across the back of his chair and cross his leg firmly before telling Balock, "Our respect for other life-forms requires that we give you this warning." Kirk tells Balock that "one critical item of information" about their ship that has never been entered into databanks is that if the ship is destroyed, it will fart out "a substance known as...corbomite." Spock looks around. Corbomite is "a material and a device" that prevents attack on them, because "if any destructive energy touches [their] vessel, a reverse reaction of equal strength is created, destroying the attacker." In the middle of all that, Balock tells them they have two minutes, but Kirk manages to chew out his sentence. As Spock listens open-mouthed, Kirk informs Balock, "It may interest you to know that since the initial use of corbomite -- more than two of our centuries ago -- no attacking vessel has survived the attempt. Death has little meaning to us. If it has none to you, then attack us now. We grow annoyed at your foolishness." Oh, brother! The last part of that speech was hysterical. "We grow annoyed at your foolishness" -- only The Shat Man can carry off that particular shade of purple.
Spock comments that Kirk's move was well played but he regrets not learning more about Balock, "In some manner, he was reminiscent of my father." Scotty feels sorry for Amanda. "Quite the contrary, she considered herself a very fortunate Earth woman," Spock contradicts. Let me tell you, if I were married to Mark Lenard, I'd also consider myself a very fortunate Earth woman. Bones comes back on the Bridge, and he and Kirk make nice. Of course, all this exposition is to fill in for the time they're waiting on Balock to destroy them. It's clever and interesting. Sulu town-cries that they have a minute left, even though his ticker clearly showed they had a minute and fifty-nine seconds left. "I knew he would," Sulu comments. You knew he would what? What are you even talking about? The Bridge looks around at each other and watches the bathing cap. Uhura seems to telling a joke in her head, because she's smiling at something I can't discern. Then again, she does have a prime view of Kirk's thinning top. Beetle steps off the turbolift, to the supreme interest of the whole Bridge crew. Had a little nap, did he? Or took a little something in water, maybe? Sulu's odometer ticks down to thirty-six seconds (although we know it's actually a minute thirty-six, but who's counting besides the recapper?), and Sulu waits six more seconds to announce that they have thirty seconds left. Beetle requests permission to rejoin the shooting party. Bones and Kirk exchange secret smiles, and Kirk grants him permission. Beetle gingerly takes his position.
Sulu does a final ten-second countdown, during which Scotty wipes his nose, Uhura rubs her hands, Bones grits his teeth, and Kirk gets new lighting. Nothing happens. Kirk lets out a breath. "A very...interesting game -- this poker," Spock comments. Piqued, Kirk tells him, "It DOES have AD-vantages over chess!" Especially when you play it with an android, a Klingon, and a dancing doctor. Bones tells Spock that he'd love to teach it to him. Balock announces himself. "Here it comes -- is it raise or call?" Kirk quickly wonders. Balock tells them that their death has been delayed, and he and his forces will only relent if proof of the corbomite device is trotted out. Spock goes to his station while Scotty shakes his head and smiles at his Captain's ingenuity. Kirk orders Uhura to hold on any response. "Let him sweat it out a bit," he sneers. Kirk must get a little impatient, because right after he delivers his last sweaty line, he requests a ship-to-ship transmission and announces, "Request denied!" He makes a hand motion ordering Uhura to hang up. Spock gets another wavy visual of Balock. Balock announces that he still hasn't decided what to do with them: "And having permitted your primitive efforts to see my form, I trust it has pleased your curiosity. And now, another demonstration of our superiority." The Bridge crew look around at each other. Yeoman Rand comes in with a thermos and some cups. Okay, is she on space crank, or is she supposed to be Balock's demonstration of superiority? Bones mentions that he thought power was out in the galley. "I used a hand phaser and zap! Hot coffee!" Rand tells him. She's on crank. On the viewscreen, a Dodge Neon of lights separates from Balock's bathing cap. The bathing cap fades away. Balock's voice announces that he will tow them to one of their alien planets and intern them there: "Your ship will be destroyed, of course." Spock reports that their engines are coming back online. Balock tells them not to be under-intimidated by the size of the Dodge Neon, as it can destroy them as easily as the bathing cap could. Wait, just go back and re-read that sentence. If you're not giggling now, there's something wrong with you. Then again, I'm giggling to myself at three o'clock in the morning after just having assisted a five-hour Emilia-Romagna cooking class -- maybe I'm the one with serious problems. The ship shakes, and Spock announces, "Tractor beam again." Balock tells them that all their ship's systems are online so they can maintain their gravity and life-support systems. Balock gives the usual warnings that any attempted escape on their behalf will end in their fiery death and destruction. Can you really have destruction after death? I mean, isn't it just implied? Sulu confirms that they're being towed.
In his log, Kirk recounts that they are being towed, and that they plan to make a show of resignation in order to conceal their true feelings. Kirk wonders about the heavy drain of power on such a small ship, and whether that will make Balock careless. Beetle reports, "He's pulling out a little ahead of us." In another prairie-dog move, Spock announces, "He's sneaked power down a bit." Sulu announces some technobabble, and Kirk says he wants them to "shear away from [Balock] no matter which way he turns." Sulu understands that he's to accelerate to maximum speed as soon as Kirk names the date. "Engage," Kirk orders. Sulu clicks a button. The whole Bridge Crew puts on intense expressions as Sulu monitors the coolant temps and primary manifolds: "It's a strain, Captain. The engines are overloading," he reports. Kirk orders more power, and Spock reacts by announcing that they are "superheating." While Kirk remains sardonically calm, Spock counts up the intermix temperature levels. The Bridge slants. Bones jiggles himself more dramatically than anyone else. People in the hallway fall from left to right on the set. Why is someone wearing a life-preserver? The Dodge Neon grows brighter and brighter. The Bridge crew jiggle out of sync with one another. "Shear away, Mr. Bailey," Kirk orders. For once Beetle responds when called upon. More jiggling. Spock takes the ship's temperature and announces, "She'll blow soon!" Kirk gives Sulu the order to engage Impulse Two. The hallway extras -- including Life-Preserver Man -- fall from right to left. Oh, my god -- that's Uhura in the hallway! They just didn't want to pay another extra! The ship shakes. A lot. Beetle announces that they are breaking free. In another hallway, other extras fall into each other. The ship stops shaking, and the Bridge crew fall forward in their chairs. Kirk orders all engines stopped.
Scotty immediately enters the Bridge and announces that the engines need some ice packs and ACE bandages. You think? Scotty wants Kirk to hold the ship there for a few hours, but Spock doesn't think that would be a good idea, as the Dodge Neon managed to get off a distress signal to the mother ship. Kirk paces. Uhura reports hearing a very weak signal from the Dodge Neon to the bathing cap, reporting that Balock's engines are out and his life support systems are failing. Kirk asks if there's any reply from the bathing cap. "Negative, his signal is growing weak," Uhura reports. "Sir, I doubt if the mother ship could have heard it." Kirk orders a course plotted for the Dodge Neon. All are agog. That's the second time I've used that word isn't it? I just can't find any other way to describe their mouths. "For it, Captain?" Spock questions. "Dead ahead," Kirk confirms, not thinking he needs to explain his humanitarian motives. Kirk makes a little speech to Life-Preserver Man in the hallway about life being in danger and how they are there to preserve that life. Even if it's alien life. Geddit? Life? Preserve? The guy's wearing a life-preserver? Actually, there was no cut-away to Life-Preserver Man, but I finished typing that sentence before I realized the anvil of my own making. Kirk gives navigational and transporter orders. Bones tries to reason with Kirk. "What's the MISSION of this VESSEL, Doctor? To SEEK OUT and con-TACT ALIEN life. And an opportunity to demonstrate what our high-sounding words mean -- any questions?" Kirk asks. Yeah, I have one: Why is it that when I hear "any questions," I can't get that damn brain-on-drugs ad out of my mind, like, EVER? Kirk says he'll take two men with him -- the doctor in case the aliens are bleeding; and Beetle, for no reason I can think of other than Kirk wants to get rid of him on the Altar of Red Shirt Sacrifice. Beetle pauses a moment before asking, "Sir?" "The face of the unknown -- I think I owe you a look at it," Kirk tells him. Spock starts to disagree with something, but Kirk says, "Denied -- if I'm wrong, if it's a trap, I want you here." I finally have discovered the reason for Shatner's Girth -- it's all that scenery. On the face of it, you'd think it was roughage, but in truth, it's all bad carbs.
Transporter room. Scotty directs the men, "Bend low, gentlemen -- it reads pretty low over there." What kind of alien puppets are these?! Bones, Beetle, and Kirk hunch a bit on the transporter pad. They transport over and look around at the low ceilings. I'm sorry, but I just can't recap these four minutes tonight -- Mathra's asleep and I'm as scared as if I was flipping through channels and happened to hear Robert Stack's voice.
Time passes.
You know, I can't recap this part in the daylight. It's just...wrong. I need some serious mood-altering liquids.
I don't know if I mentioned this, but the Dodge Neon? Literally a Desi-Lu graphic. Or perhaps it's one of those bulbous Danish chandeliers that were so common in '60s living rooms all over the country but now go for, like, tequillions of dollars. Gustave would know which designer I mean.
Okay. I think I can handle this now.
Nope, still can't.
I'm now armed with a pillow to scream into, a large glass of gin, a cat on either side, and the super-quick remote in case I need to bail. The away team beams into squats as they arrive on the Dodge Neon. They look around and scrunch through a doorway. Kirk, his phaser out, freezes as he spots something. It's Balock! Okay, when I first saw this, my reaction was, "Crappinola! They're so low-budget in this one, they aren't even trying to make it look real!" but then Mathra explained that Balock is supposed to look like a puppet because he is a puppet. Kirk confirms that it's "a dummy -- a puppet of some kind" right before a creepy-high voice says, "I'm Balock -- welcome aboard!" First of all, it's not the booming, Echo Canyon voice Enterprise had been hearing all along. Secondly, who let Truman Capote onto the set? The Away Team give wilds looks around until they spy a dimly-lit area, slightly shrouded by a glittery curtain. Something small and creepy sits on something cushiony and creepy and puts his/her/its hand on the top of a stoplight. The curtain draws back to reveal an overgrown baby dressed in silvery-green lamé with a matching lamé sweatband around its bald head. After being fooled by the other dummy once, there is no way I was buying this was a real person. No. Way. Unfortunately, Mathra couldn't hold back his excitement as he burst out, "See -- it's Clint Howard!"
Kirk walks forward with the rest of the team and introduces himself: "I'm Captain Kirk." "And McCoy and Bailey," the Truman Capote squatting in Clint Howard's mouth finishes for him. The...thing invites them to sit down and be "comph-table." The away team hesitates, wondering if the lamé headband is actually covering up the "666" emblazoned on The Thing's skull. After further pressing, the team sits. Clint Howard's mouth is weird enough without the fake voice coming out of it! You'd think that with all the money Ron has, he'd at least cough up some orthodonture for his brother. The Thing presses a button, and from behind a damask-covered wall, a punch bowl and several glasses slide out. "This is tranya," Truman-Capote-Squatting-In-Clint-Howard's-Mouth explains, "I hope you relish it as much as I." Alcoholic beverages within easy access to the bed? That's Kirk's kind of bassinet. Ew! Ew! EW! I need to go soak my consciousness in OxyClean. I'm truly torn over what freaked me out more about this scene -- the fact that I have now watched this five times and still don't believe Clint Howard isn't a Cabbage Patch Kid, or the idea that The Thing has his tiny silver panty-hosed leg slung all seductive-like over a pink satin pillow. I mean, he knew Kirk was coming and he's posed like that? "Commander Balock," Kirk begins. "I know, I know a THOU-sand questions. But first, the tranya!" The Thing says. I think Clinty fouled up his line there -- his tongue flashed out weirdly when he said "tranya." But you know? It just adds to The Skeeving Flesh Factor.
The Thing looks around at the Away Team as their tranya remains undrunk. "Gentlemen!" he says, and drinks. From a glass held in a freakishly large hand. MANHANDS! MANHANDS! Are they fake as well? "Ahh!" The Thing breathes. Kirk sips and makes a "hey, not bad" face, and the other guys drink as well. Kirk asks about the blue-faced, needle-chinned mannequin in the front hall. "My alter-ego, so to speak," The Thing explains. The idea that someone as bizarre as this even needs an alter-ego mathematically boggles the mind when I consider how exponentially freakish the alter-ego could get. "In your culture, he would be Mr. Hyde to my Jekyll," The Thing chuckles. Well, he said it, I didn't. The Thing weirds on, "You must admit he was effective -- you never would have been frightened by me!" I beg to differ. I really, really, REALLY beg to differ! Those severely auburned eyebrows alone are worth a nightmare or two. The Thing congratulates himself that his distress signal was "quite clever." "It was a pleasure testing you," The Thing says, settling back on his shot-silk bolster. Beetle gets his back up about being tested, but Kirk smiles as he figures it all out. The Thing said he had to find out their real intentions, and Kirk points out that he probed their memory banks. Please! Don't use the word "probe" in any sense when an embryonic Clint Howard is wearing platinum go-go boots and offering Kirk drinks from a pile of pink pillows and harem curtains. The Thing said the records could have been a fabrication. "And your crew?" Bones asks. The Thing throws his Silly Putty gourd back and laughs uproariously. Activate emergency remote! Activate emergency remote! I'm serious when I ask if you people out there know what I go through for you. The cats -- my two "protectors" -- are now shuddering in their hooded litterboxes. They're down about three lives after that laugh. So am I, if you want the honest-to-Bombay-Sapphire truth. The Thing explains that he has no crew and that he runs everything himself, "but I miss company. Conversation." Dude, have you thought about posting a personal rather than this whole Cirque du Freaque?
The Thing thinks that maybe Kirk would be willing to loan him one of his men to participate in an "exchange of informations -- cultures." Oddly enough, that's exactly what Michael Jackson called it. And note that he suggests one of Kirk's men -- I'll bet it's because if it were a woman, she'd start lactating on sight. UGH! I didn't think it was possible to skeeve myself out after all this! The price you pay for having an overactive imagination is directly related to drinking your weight in the ooze of smashed juniper berries. Since Beetle looks so interested, Kirk volunteers him. Beetle smiles wide from Chiclet-sized teeth. The Thing comprehends: "Ahh, you represent Earth's best, then!" Yeah, or something. Beetle aw-shucks and says he makes plenty of mistakes, but Kirk thinks that The Thing will learn much more from them that way, and he'll get a better officer back. Whatever. Once Beetle falls into that pit of plush pillows and laméd legs, he's never coming back to Enterprise. The Thing throws back his "head" and laughs again. This time much longer. Mathra calls a pet psychiatrist. I call the friendly neighborhood exorcist. The Thing gets up to shake Kirk's hand and says that they think alike. He doesn't let go of Kirk's hand. Beetle and Bones get up as well. , The Thing takes Bones's hand and says that before he brings back the Fesarius, he will show them his vessel. "It's not often I have this pleasure," The Thing says, disappearing behind another gauzy curtain. Why doesn't that surprise me? The Away Team follows. "Yes, we are very much alike, Captain -- both proud of our ships," is the last thing we hear The Thing say. You can just read into that what you like -- I sure did. And it haunts me still.
Now excuse me while I go drown this tape in holy water, burn it, and scatter its ashy carcass to the seven corners of the Earth.
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