Keckler: "Wait, I can't remember what happened last time."
Dr. Mathra: "No. Nothing -- 'the katra is with me now.'"
If I recapped for a thousand years -- lord, what a thought -- I will never be able to really explain why that is so funny. But it is. We laughed that silent, wheezing laughter that hurts so good for a full ten minutes and we only stopped because the lack of air in our lungs was alarming. See, after watching "Kir'Shara," the Evil Dr. Mathra went around the house chanting, singing, and humming, "The katra is with me now." He made up his own tune. It is sing-songy, and catchy, and thoroughly annoying. He draws out the words to intone: "The KAAAAH-tra is with MEEEE nooow!" in a weirdly high voice. That was to be my one moment of genuine enjoyment for the hour. Stupid show.
After the first watching of this episode, there was a frantic scuffle, the squall of a cat getting his tail trodden upon, and a loud bang of the front door as my muse deserted me and left me to slog through this thoroughly miserable recap.
I looked for my Muse in the bottom of a can of wine. My Muse wasn't there.
I searched for my Muse in a plate of fish. My Muse couldn't be found.
I even re-read Demian's recap hoping that my Muse would storm angrily back and accuse me of cheating on it with ridiculous portrayals of what it means to be a true Muse. My Muse didn't give a crap.
My Muse didn't even have the courtesy to leave behind a show page poll, and it was only by severe and loud drunkenness that I managed to eke out the one now up. If anyone sees my Muse, tell him I've got a box of his stuff to give him. I keep tripping over his stupid, ugly mask and diaphanous robes and if he doesn't come to get them, I'm giving the lot to Goodwill.
Trip and Quantum walk down the corridor. Well, Quantum walks, Trip mostly tizzies. He's all a-flutter because the inventor of the transporter (and family friend of Quantum) is coming aboard, and his book, life, teachings, chi, metallic spine, and smell made Trip into the engineer that we see today. To my intense surprise, Quantum is a condescending ass and also manages to drag the conversation back to himself by saying that he felt the same way when he met Zephram Cochrane for the first time. Nobody cares about this. At the transporter pad Trip fidgets with his lapels and Quantum sneers, "You wanna mirror?" Hey, Quantum, you wanna ass-kicking? "You gotta mean streak in ya, you know that?" Trip says. I don't disagree. They beam in a guy in a wheelchair, and a chick. Father of the Transporter is definitely a HITG. He was even in The People Under the Stairs -- a movie that scared the living poop and pee out of me and continues to haunt me to this day. "Are you sure it isn't Arsenio with one of those full facial masks?" the Evil Dr. Mathra asks. Pretty sure, now go sing in your corner. Quantum hugs Emery and kisses his daughter Dani, who tells Quantum they have a lot of catching up to do. "Do it later," Emery orders, "I want a tour of this ship." Oh. It's a Hey It's That Demanding Old Coot. Original. Trip gets introduced and comes over all idol worshippy. Emery thanks Quantum for letting him use the ship for his transporter tests, and jokes that his upgrades might make all of Starfleet obsolete. One can hope.
This episode is SO boring I actually listened to the song. It was the most interesting thing in this entire episode.
It has come to my attention that some people in the forums were vexed by Quantum's log being "supplemental" when it's actually the first log of the episode. I have to say, that didn't bother me -- I just figured he had other entries that day. We don't need to hear all of them. God, we really don't want to hear all of Quantum's "deep" thoughts. And if we did, I might have to drink Softscrub. The crew's preparing for Emery's transporter tests by conserving power all over the ship. "If you really want to conserve power, you should think about turning off that exterior spotlight that illuminates the entire exterior of the ship!" the Evil Dr. Mathra advises.
T'Pol and Trip have a little chat which pretty much amounts to a) how entranced she is by the Kir'Shara, b) that already over her mother's death, and c) that she's already over her mother's death. After a teensy amount of prodding, Trip accepts this and tells her to give him a holler if she ever wants to talk. He leaves. Well, at least he didn't get all offended by her reticence to have a heart-to-heart or genitals-to-genitals. That's something.
At the captain's table, Emery talks about the possibility of transporting people from Earth directly to Vulcan. Quantum makes the same dumb joke about being put out of a job that he made in the opening. Nobody cares about this. Emery waxes on about the transpossibilites, and I start to clean the mildew that's building up around the bathtub. "I remember you and my father having similar discussions," Quantum brags. Yeah, well, Quantum, your father's wife committed suicide, he locked his kid in a Wee One's Asylum, and he murdered one neighbor only to frame another neighbor for the crime, so maybe you shouldn't bring him up in polite conversation. I'm just saying. They drink a toast to the murdering psychopath anyway. More boring transporter discussion about everything Emery went through to get the transporter accepted. Protests, brain cancer, psychosis, sleep disorder -- all things that this episode did to me. Emery grims about his tough fight but says the result makes everything he fought for worthwhile. And he just happens to be a black man. And this just happens to be MLK weekend. This anvil was brought you by UPN: The Sensitive Network.
They enter an area called "The Barrens" which is so, you know, barren that it's the ideal place for Emery's test. Trip and Emery talk shop. I'd rather take shop. At least I'd be doing something productive -- you can never have too many birdhouses or pipe racks. Emery acts cagey about his plans and won't reveal them to Trip. Trip gets shirty about it being his ship and his responsibility to have control issues. Emery cites small print on his Starfleet orders that gives him complete autonomy to kill everyone on the ship if he wants to. Trip's irritated.
Quantum and Dani walk around the ship to give Dani the opportunity to show off how much she knows about the ship. And why hasn't she signed on? I'm glad you asked -- the reason is so very interesting! No, no it's not. She thinks her father needs her because fifteen years later, he's still not over his son Quinn's death. If the transporter tests go well, Emery might get over himself. If not, she doesn't know and I don't care. Quantum thinks Dani needs to take care of her own needs. He adds, "I know it's difficult taking advice from someone who used to chase you around the backyard with a plastic laser pistol." Wait, what are they trying to put over on us now? She's like my age and he's like fifty, so how exactly does that work? Assuming that she had to be old enough to walk when this was going on, doesn't that make him really screwed up to be running around with a plastic water laser at eighteen? Then again, it might prove something I've long suspected, namely that Quantum is the village idiot.
In her father's quarters, Dani pulls out a big old needle and gives her father a shot in his big old humpy metallic-y spine. And as that's the most interesting thing about this episode, it's typical that they never bother to explain it. Transporter accident, yes, but what sort of accident turns a human spine into a Klingon spine? Dani doesn't like lying to Quantum about what they're doing. Emery doesn't care. Neither do I.
In the Armory, Reed and some other Rent-a-Red-Stripe hunt for wabbits. A wavy thing that looks very much like the anomalies in The Expanse zips around them. They chase it. For a really looooong time. The Rent-a-Red-Shirt gets enveloped by it and screams in agony. Yawn. Reed rushes to his side and shows us his melted face. Hey, that's exciting! Well, no, actually it isn't. He looks like one of the hoods in Dick Tracy.
T'Pol reports that the Rent-a-Red-Stripe is dead for various reasons, the biggest one being that his face got melted off. Emery plays dumb about the whole thing and really doesn't care. I sympathize. Emery goes off to get another epidural and I'm jealous because at least he'll be feeling something.
Dani and Emery argue some more about how dangerous their experiment is. Dani again insists on telling the truth that they're out there to bring Quinn back to life. Right here, I made the prediction that this episode would unfold just like all other Moral Dilemma episodes: a) the old man will die because b) there's always a price to pay in a Ruthless Quest, and c) that's even more true when some innocent redstripe has died as a result of that Ruthless Quest; furthermore, d) Quinn won't be brought back because you can't resurrect the dead -- especially not after fifteen years. A few months, even one year, yes, but fifteen? No. However, if you do manage to resurrect the dead, there's e) the Monkey's Paw Effect where you might not like what you get back. Because it's evil, or malformed, or the Star Trek series. And now for The Most Depressing Thing About This Episode: my relatively dull and predictable hypothesis didn't even come true. What did come true was EVEN MORE BORING. Dani doesn't think they should go ahead with their tests if there's a chance of someone else dying. Emery believes it's highly unlikely someone else will die. Dani wonders how Quinn would feel about their decision. Emery tells her she can ask him in a few days when they get him back. Can she also ask him the best way to San Jose?
Trip helps Emery with more tests. Trip offers to treat Emery to lunch. Emery refuses. "He doesn't need to eat, he's a cyborg," Dr. Mathra suggests. Emery refuses all food because wants to monitor all the data coming back from their tests. Trip offers to be a second pair of eyes. "He already has a second pair of eyes. They're in his spine," Dr. Mathra explains. Emery again rebuffs him. Trip finally takes the hint that he's not needed or wanted, and leaves. I wish this show would take that hint.
Trip tattles to Quantum that he thinks Emery is doing weird stuff and is lying about his tests. Quantum admits to having his reservations as well. Especially since he dug up some info that says the thing that melted the Rent-a-Red-Stripe's face happened during another one of Emery's tests a few years ago. In case we need reminding because we were bored insensible for the last half hour, Emery denied all knowledge of such an event occurring. I find it really annoying that Emery spells his name with an "e" rather than an "o." T'Pol comms to say they are picking up another Face-Melting Anomaly elsewhere on the ship.
Quantum and a team hunt for the Face-Melting Anomaly That Is Quinn. The Face-Melting Anomaly That Is Quinn, which sort of looks like the water graphics from the "Don't Go Chasing Waterfalls" video, appears in front of Quantum and T'Pol and attacks T'Pol. She screams and wails and pants.
I'm so anesthetized by this episode that I don't even have the heart to be angry at it. I just don't care. It's there. It's bland. It's Enterprise. Oh, and the Icarus Factor in this pathetic excuse for entertainment? Not even going to dignify that tired stupid-son-flew-too-close-to-the-sun-so-humpybacked-father-blames-himself with analysis. It's obvious. We can all see it. I don't care. I always thought Daedalus was better off without a brain-dead son like Icarus anyway.
Do you want to know what else I don't care about? I don't care that Quantum is an asshole anymore. He's been that way since the first episode of the first season and he will be that way in the last episode of this series (which should be May-abouts) when he screams at his entire crew, Porthos included, that he can and will push the Giant Reset Button in the Sky because of some selfish reason that only he cares about. And his crew won't care because they're all just as bored as I am.
Do you want to know what else I don't care about? I don't care that T'Pol wears stupid clothes that make her look like a seven-year-old boy with two water balloons strapped to his chest. It's not like this is anything new. Something new would have been to put her still-hot body in a regulation uniform before her catsuits succeeded, as they have this season, in leeching all blood and nutrients from under her skin, leaving her dried out and hollow. Just like me.
Do you want to know what else I don't care about? I don't care that Mayweather and Hoshi don't have any lines this episode. This just means that they are as removed from the show as I am, and they too are spending the entire episode replaying Diner in their heads.
Do you want to know what else I don't care about? I don't care whether this show gets cancelled. Oh, wait, I never really cared about that.
Do you want to know what else I don't care about? I don't care that Porthos is perpetually ignored and, in this episode, disparaged by Quantum. Long ago, I imagined a world where Porthos peed acid on his master's shoes (an interesting side effect from his visit to Utopia Kreetassia) and when Quantum fell down, screaming "oh, god, why me" in pain, Porthos took the opportunity to stuff a cheese-filled waterpolo ball down his trachea.
It's really bad when you've become so disinterested in a show that you begin rooting for the main characters to die in horribly tragic ways just to have the chance of maybe feeling something. Anything. I don't even really see the use in exclamation points any more. I'm dead inside.
In Sickbay, Phlox examines her partially melted hand while T'Pol looks at the scans she got before she was attacked. Without commenting that her hand "looks kinda lak an oil paintin'," Trip takes T'Pol's tricorder and pipes it through one of the screens in Sickbay. It shows the Face-Melting Anomaly That Is Quinn. Quantum furrows and orders Trip to enhance it. And enhance it. And enhance it. Oh, my god -- it's Mayweather! That's where he's been all this time! I fantasize a bit that Mayweather never really was Mayweather, never really existed, but is, instead, a partially-physical manifestation of Quinn and has been only existing on Enterprise because of the tachyon beams that were realigned before being purged, then merged, with the deflector shield. Instead, the prosaic and ALREADY KNOWN reality is that Quantum recognizes the Face-Melting Anomaly That Is Quinn as Quinn. I was about to write a joke about Emery and Quantum's dad getting together over the garden fence (while twenty-one-year-old Quantum chases nine-year-old Dani around the wading pool with a dead mouse he found) to make a pact to give both their sons names that start with "Qu-," but then I realized that I gave Quantum that name and the joke doesn't make sense. I'm really so very bored.
In Quantum's quarters, Emery looks at T'Pol's tricorder playback and gasps over his son, the Face-Melting Anomaly. "He hasn't aged a day!" Emery sighs happily. Yeah, but dude? He's all wavy and anomalied and, you know, NOT OF THIS WORLD. That's not exactly healthy. Emery now readily admits that he's not out there to do tests. It was kind of funny how quickly he ponied up to the truth. As Quantum rasped and stalked stiffly around Emery's room, I came closer than I ever have to smashing my wine glass through the television. He's trying to be all commanding and disappointed and betrayed and crap, but it's all asshole to me. Anyway, Emery's wallowing in his misery. He admits that the sub-quantum transporter -- I guess that's what they're testing? I didn't really pay attention -- is fundamentally flawed and will never work. However, his dumb-ass dead son wanted to test it out. And that's why dead people are stupid. Or stupid people are dead? One of the two. "You LET him go through with the test!" Quantum grits all whirly and accusatory and righteous and grit-teethed. I believe that's what the man just said, freakshow. Try to keep up, will you? We do. Emery gives the Daystrom Excuse for his actions: "I was a relatively young man who had created something that changed Starfleet. After an achievement of that magnitude there was nowhere to go but down. My life just became one long chase to capture past glory."
Quantum doesn't give a shit about his self-pity, and I don't give a shit about Quantum so, let's sum up: Emery seems to think he can get his Face-Melting Anomaly son back in this particular area of space because it's "a subspace node. A bubble of curved space-time. That's why there are no stars. Quinn's transporter signal is trapped here. At certain intervals, there are fluctuations in the node that cause the signal to reappear. If [they] can lock onto one of those intervals, [they] can save him." Yeah, it's a bit too late for this show to start adopting the Cool Because It's Not Fully Explained Science that Farscape pioneered. Quantum continues to berate Emery for his lack of trust in him and for letting one of his nameless crewmembers die. Emery wants Quantum's help, saying that he was like a second son to him. Quantum responds, "And you were like my second father!" I don't even know what he's saying anymore. To say, "You were like a father to me," actually means something. But to say "you were like my second father" means nothing, really. Unless it's that gay marriage is legal in the future and Quantum Has Two Daddies. More guilt-tripping, more remorse. Quantum agrees to help the tear-stained Emery. As we knew he would.
Stiff.
Silly.
To tears.
To death.
These are all the ways I was bored tonight. I mean, it's bad enough they ripped off a TOS storyline, but to rip it off from one of the dullest, most tedious episodes of all time? No wonder these writers were fired.
In his Ready Room, Quantum orders both T'Pol and Trip to offer Emery every assistance. Trip's incensed: "I kin't b'leeve I'm hearin' this! We've alreddy lost one man!" Quantum promises it won't happen again: "We'll alert the crew to the danger." "If they'd been alerted twenty-four hours ago, Burrows might be alive!" Trip announces. Quantum stares at him. I'll bet you don't even know who Burrows is, do you, you great big halfwit? With every highly justified concern and argument Trip and T'Pol have, Quantum gets more and more irritated and assholey. He finally spits out, "You have your orders, I suggest you get started!" I suggest you get stuffed. Trip and T'Pol leave, and Quantum stares out his WOTWW window with his ridiculous chest ridiculously puffed out like the ridiculous pompous shrike he is.
Trip and Emery do engineering stuff together. Emery sort of but not really apologizes in a way that allows Trip to announce that while he'd do anything to get his sister back, he wouldn't do it at the expense of others. Actually, it's pretty offensive here that Emery says he's regretful of the fact that Trip is no longer worshipping at the foot of his wheelchair. But, you know...meh.
In Quantum's room, Porthos whirrups hopefully as the doorbell rings. Quantum, who is NOT on the bed petting his darling dog, ushers Dani in. Dani goes immediately to Porthos and says, "Hey, you must be Porthos -- I've heard a lot about you." She must be reading the boards. Porthos immediately rolls over to get a bellyrub, but Dani doesn't exactly give it to him. Apparently, this is Porthos's Crying Game scene where we find out Porthos is not a boy, but a girl. Frankly, I can't tell either way. I know it's that there's a lack of something, but the way he's lying, you can't really see much of anything. I mean, it could easily be hidden in shadow, is all I'm saying. I really think it says something about a show when posters and recapper alike are avidly discussing the lack of a penis on a dog. "He's got a lotta personality," Dani smiles. "And an appetite to match," Quantum sneers. Shut up, Quantum -- at least he has a personality. Dani came to apologize. Even though they put Quantum in "dramatic" shadow in this scene, it doesn't hide his assiness as he postures and twitches importantly and furrows morally. Dani wonders aloud what it's like for her brother: "Is he in pain?" No, he's inside the Nexus. He's inside joy. Dani says that getting Quinn back is all she and her humpybacked father have thought about for fifteen years. Quantum hopes that they'll get Quinn back and that we can all get on with our lives.
Trip and T'Pol talk shop. As T'Pol moves off, Trip says he's trying to figure out what to show that night at movie night. "Movie night?" T'Pol repeats. "Yeah, I though I'd fire up the old tradition -- you in the mood for a horror film or a musical?" Are those the only choices? T'Pol begs off, saying that she doesn't have the time to watch The Dracula of Oz or Guys and Werewolves. "You kin't spend ev'rey second uv yer lyfe studyin' that -- whatever it's called," Trip comments. Way to trash her religion, Trip. Has Quantum been giving you lessons? They argue a bit over T'Pol's new priorities and the fact that her wimple is going to be custom-tailored in puce velour. As Trip shows absolutely no sign of Getting It, T'Pol says she's needed on the Bridge, and leaves.
In a sh'bay, Quantum and Emery scan around. T'Pol comms with a really, really informational message. Here's the really, really informational message: "I picked up something that was in your area but I lost it." I think this episode's as bored with itself as I am and is actually trying to commit suicide. "He's here!" Emery crows delightedly. So, Mr. Humpyback Transporter Man -- are you going to invent the transporter toilet? You know, the one that beams the poo right out of you? Glark wants to know. The Face-Melting Anomaly appears and Emery calls out hopefully, "Quinn? Quinn?" The Face-Melting Anomaly responds by blowing stuff up. Quantum dives to protect Emery and knocks him out of his wheelchair. How cool would it have been if the Face-Melting Anomaly killed Emery in a horrible, painful, flesh-dripping way? That would be so "Monkey's Paw." But it didn't happen. Because this episode has no soul.
Corridor. Trip again argues with Quantum about what they're doing, and because Quantum wants to lock anyone up in the brig when they don't agree with him, he shouts, "You are this close to insubordination!" Trip goggles. Quantum keeps yelling, "I made a decision! It's the right decision! Can you accept that?" Trip backs down and nods tightly. Quantum points down the hallway: "Now, go do your job!" "Yessir," Trip breathes. And then, get this, Quantum takes off down the hall he was just ordering Trip down while Trip stays put. Okay. Odd decision.
Quantum visits Emery. Emery apologizes for making this whole thing Quantum's problem. Emery's scared he won't be able to get his son back. Quantum relates some story about his father telling him not to fail that's too dull to even re-relate, and leaves.
Everyone on the Bridge is "tense" as they wait "anxiously" for Quinn's Face-Melting manifestation to appear. It appears. Trip locks onto it with a confinement beam. Emery gets out of his chair to energize it. Quinn sort of starts to appear and everyone gets emotional. Everyone except those watching the show. They start to lose the pattern. Phlox steps forward and takes some scans. He's not going to have good news. Trip and Emery scramble to readjust things. "I'm reading massive cellular deterioration," Phlox reports. Emery insists that's not possible. "He's losing cohesion. If he materializes, he'll die within seconds," Phlox confirms. More scrambling. Phlox says he's losing Quinn's vital signs. Quantum thinks NOW'S the time to step over, touch Mr. Humpybacked Transporter Man on the shoulder, and say, "Emery." "Get away from me," Emery says, which cheers me up a little. More scrambling. Everyone, including Dani, urges Emery to let Quinn go. Emery whines that he can't. Quantum tries again, and shakes the brittle old man a bit harder: "Emery -- you can't save him." And because he's Captain Do Everything Wonderful and Right Even When Being The Biggest Asshole That Ever Stepped Onto A Starship, Emery finally gives in. "I'm sorry, Quinn," he breathes, and does something. Quinn reappears fully on the transporter pad -- did I mention that's where they were all this time? -- and collapses. I REALLY wanted him to appear as "what we got back didn't live long. Fortunately." But no. Because this episode sucks. Emery holds his dying son in his arms and begs him to forgive him. Quinn's all, "Dad? What's going on?" He doesn't forgive him, and then he dies. Wait, take me with you!
In his quarters, Emery tells Quantum that he couldn't let his son hang between life and death, he had to end it. Huh, I just noticed that my anvil prescription is signed by Dr. Kevorkian. Emery has accepted the fact that he has to go to prison, which is really quite big of him considering he killed a redstripe. "Maybe they'll put me somewhere where I'll be useful -- get a chance to teach," Emery muses. I doubt it -- they're just going to put you to work making license plates for the Enterprise. No, it'll be easy, really -- all you have to do is lean back on them. Quantum and Emery discuss letting Dani come aboard Enterprise. I don't really see where the "letting" comes into effect -- he'll be off in prison stamping license plates with his metal spine. I'd say his daughter can pretty much do what she wants. Unless she goes to prison for being an accessory. Funny how they don't address that. Well, not so much "funny" as "sloppy" and, of course, "boring."
In Sickbay, Phlox scans T'Pol and concludes that she no longer has Pa'nar Syndrome. T'Pol finds this difficult to accept. "You were diagnosed with an incurable disease, now it's gone -- it's a big adjustment. From what I've been reading, similar diagnoses are taking place all over Vulcan. People are coming forward -- it's no longer a stigma," Phlox concludes. "The Kir'Shara is having an enormous impact," T'Pol observes. Phlox notes that the Kir'Shara has had an impact on her because he thinks she's been more sure of herself. T'Pol CRACK WHORES that she's never felt less sure of herself. Phlox puts a hand on her arm and says, "You're reexamining your core beliefs -- something most people never do." Unless they're on a Star Trek series. T'Pol leaves.
T'Pol visits Trip in Engineering. She tells him she's going through something that's "very complicated" and is learning for the first time "what it truly means to be Vulcan." Trip's happy to be forewarned so as to avoid being forecondomed. T'Pol explains, "I don't think there will be time for..." Trip is understanding and accepting. Well, that's something. T'Pol boggles around a bit before leaving. "At least my warp engines still need me," Trip says. Now, it would've been an "aww" moment if he hadn't specifically gauged that his comment reach T'Pol's ears. If he just could have said it to himself, in an undertone, it would have been less studied to shunt a little guilt T'Pol's way. Trip grins and gets back to work.
Quantum etcetera say goodbye to the Family O'Murderers. Emery dispenses some engineering advice to Trip, and Quantum and Dani exchange niceties. They beam out. Whatever.
week: Reed raises my hopes by saying he saw the whole crew die, but then I realized that this is Enterprise and chances like that are never taken. I have this sinking feeling that Daniels might be back.