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Still hot on the trail of the Xindi and their Weapon of Math Destruction (What? The Xindi are from Barcelona!), Quantum gets visited by an old friend in the shape of a little blue pill that helps you sleep when you have a headache. Excedrin P.M. aka Shran the Andorian drops in to lend a blue hand to Quantum's Quest. Excedrin P.M. appears to be incensed that the Vulcans aren't lifting a pointy finger to help the humans and says he owes Quantum big for helping avert that little war last year. Thrilled with all the help he can get, Quantum allows Excedrin P.M. and his blue friends all over the ship. Reed gets assigned a strapping femme fatale to help him with some security and weapons stuff. In between bouts of work, they flirt and drink coffee together. And in between bouts of Reed being smart, Andorianna fiddles with stuff she probably shouldn't be fiddling with. The Xindi hold another Round Table and yell at Mr. Man because he still only has a prototype of the weapon ready. While Quantum and T'Pol hide on their ship, Excedrin P.M. and his ship fly into the Xindi test zone and try to stall things and get in the way while furtively taking scans of everything. Mr. Man tells them to bugger off and tests his prototype. It fails and he gets into big trouble with the Round Table. At this point, Excedrin P.M. swoops in and steals the weapon. Quantum is all thrilled about this until it becomes obvious that the Andorians don't plan on giving the weapon to the humans. Instead, Excedrin P.M, plans to lug it home to his home planet so that the Vulcans won't think about stepping one pointy toe over their side of the room ever again. Quantum is dumped in space until his ship picks him up. Excedrin P.M. thinks he's homefree until Quantum catches up with him and detonates the weapon in their cargo hold. The Andorians have no choice but to release it to explode ineffectually in space. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
I'm going to scare a lot of my longtime readers (and probably my boss) and say that I don't want this show to be cancelled.
Now that you've all picked yourself off the floor, I'm going to explain my reasons, which may yet prove that I'm feverish with Stockholm Syndrome. First and foremost, the plots and writing have really improved. Yes, I was bored out of my screaming SKULL with "Shipment," and "Rajiin" wasn't even good enough to be deemed laughable, but with "Carpenter Street" and "Twilight," they are chutes and ladders above the first season.
But the bottom line is, I firmly believe the actors deserve more of a chance. Okay, yes, I also firmly believe that Scott Bakula needs to sit on a counter and thaw out a little bit more before Cpt. Quantum warms my heart the way Sam Beckett did, but I think he's headed in that direction. Plus, the black shirt is yummy, and I've heard that if Bakula has his way we could have Enterprise: Once More With Beaming! Seriously, think about it: it would be singing where no Trek has sung before. Jolene Blalock has settled into her Vulcan role and, save for those few times when the directors or writers make her get emotional, she's done an excellent job developing her character. Dominic Keating -- whom I've always liked to some degree -- is still managing to be as good as he ever was and even brings a little more humor to his role when he's not making bathroom jokes. John Billingsley is just perfect in every way. As is Porthos, of course. Connor Trinneer is perhaps the one actor on this show who has me completely flummoxed. Back in the early years I was writing recipes that included a heaping cup of "Shut up, Trip!," but now with his deliveries and facial expressions, he has managed to gallop so far away from the good ol' boy persona that I actually like him. I'm sorry I can't say more about Linda Park and Anthony Montgomery, but I can't judge what I don't really see.
That said, I'm still going to mercilessly snark on the show when the show deserves it. Does that make me a hypocrite? No, not in the least. It just means that regardless of cancellation rumors, I'm still going to call 'em as I see 'em. Finally, I would be very sorry to see this show go, because I feel that if there's a new Trek show running anywhere, all is right with the world.
Before I even comment on the episode I'm going to say one more thing that is directed only at Bermaga and not at the actors or writers: WHERE THE HELL IS KELLIE WAYMIRE'S TRIBUTE?! Yeah, yeah, Berman was quoted as saying that they were trying to find a way of paying their respects, blah-blah blow-it-up-our-asses-some-more cakes; yet Everwood -- the show that had her on for ONE SINGLE EPISODE -- still had MORE CLASS than the show that had her on SEVERAL TIMES when they put an "In memory of" at the end of the freakin' episode! What's the matter, Bermaga? You too cool to acknowledge the passing of an actor? Too wrapped up in your fancy suits and pin-striped egos to care? Would it REALLY have taken SO much out of you to slap in an "In memory of" line post-production after the news of her death came out? Screw you. Anything you do now will be pointless and insulting to her memory. You blew it. If it weren't for the fact that I honestly think the actors and the writers deserve more of a chance after this season's improvement, I'd tell you to shove this show so far up your collective ASSES that you'd still be flossing it out of your teeth come Christmas.
God, between those two completely disparate sentiments, I think I'm developing multiple personalities.
Anyway, the episode. It was good.
The previouslies are basically two minutes of "Shipment" recut in a way that makes it look exciting. There's also the cosmic loogies from "Rajiin" when a nest of Bug Houses boarded the ship.
A glass of water. Ooh, you got me! What's going to happen to it? Will it get knocked over? Drunk? Or just sit there with a serene countenance and hope that someone notices its life of quiet desperation? If you introduce a glass of water in the first act, it will certainly have to go off by the end of the play. Excedrin P.M. puts an end to my suspense as he drinks it and makes a face. Maybe it was Benefiber -- the clear stuff that you don't have to chug because it doesn't get gritty like Metamucil does. Excedrin P.M. is called to the bridge. Cool bridge! It's all dark grey bulkheads with blue lights -- very clean and hi-tech. A female Andorian tells Excedrin P.M. that they lost the warp trail. Excedrin P.M. tells Andorianna to continue scanning: "You know what we're looking for, Lieutenant. It shouldn't be that difficult to find!" He starts to walk away, but Andorianna says, "COMMANDER!" Excedrin P.M.'s antennae swivel backwards, and he turns around. I think he looks exactly like John McCain. Andorianna reminds him that they've been searching for weeks, and Shran McCain tells her that they will continue searching until they've found what they're looking for. Them, Bono, and Rumsfeld. Andorianna wonders if "they" can still be alive in "this place." Okay, so they're in The Expanse and they're looking for Quantum and Qrew. "We have our orders," Shran McCain reminds her. Andorianna keeps with the arguing. Shran McCain supposes that Andorianna is afraid of The Expanse, and snarks that he'd expect that from a Vulcan, "not a member of the Imperial Guard." Andorianna looks uncomfortable and tells someone to continue scanning. Shran McCain steps forward and tells her not to underestimate these "pinkskins," because "they're still out there." Something I never noticed with the Andorian makeup before (perhaps because it wasn't there before; I don't know) is that Shran McCain has white highlights on his forehead -- where furrows would be -- and also veins on his temples. It's very interesting.
You know that commercial where the guy tears up his wireless bill with his teeth? That's how I feel about the theme song.
The Xindi of the Round Table meet. Snake Eyes bitches about being made to rush out there for this meeting, and says he thinks Mr. Man shows "typical humanoid arrogance " by expecting them all to come "scurrying" whenever it suits him. I think you're experiencing an identity crisis, Snake Eyes. You don't "scurry," you slither. And what exactly were you doing that was more important than destroying an entire race? Pilates? Mr. Man announces that he's ready to test the weapon prototype, and that they can all view it from the Star Chamber. If all goes well, the real weapon could be ready in a month or sooner. So...February sweeps? "And the human threat will finally be eliminated," another Mr. Man comments. "I hope you find THAT worth your TIME!" Mr. Man snaps at Snake Eyes. They must've had a lovers' quarrel.
Enterprise. In the Stella Cartography room (she's a room who has always depended on the kindness of star ranges), Hoshi tells Quantum that she's traced a weak isotopic signature that matches the kemosabe they planted on the Xindi ship. Quantum orders a course plotted. T'Pol and Hoshi then tell Quantum that they've managed to recover about 30% of the sphere data deleted by Digimon last week. T'Pol shows him the spatial anomaly map she's managed to piece together, and notes that the kemosabe's John Hancock is just beyond a dense field of the anomalies. Quantum wonders how long it will take to go around it, and T'Pol says that the field is massive. Like her dinners. What? You have to admit, it's been a long time since I've made a boob joke. By saying nothing more, T'Pol implicitly suggests that they should feel their way through it. See how I made you read into that sentence? Behold, the power of cheese. However, she allows Quantum to think he had the original thought, and he says, "Alert the crew -- it's gonna get rough."
Engineering. Trip tells Quantum they're as ready as they'll ever be. On the bridge, Quantum acknowledges this and looks to T'Pol. T'Pol tells him that she charted the largest anomalies, but not all of them, so it may get dicey. Does anyone remember that book Dicey's Song? Who the hell names a kid "Dicey"? No wonder she had angst. ["Those books freaked me out as a kid. I actually lost a lot of sleep for a while wondering if I'd be able to take care of my sister if our mother ditched us. " -- Wing Chun] "Do your best," Quantum says, encouragingly. He then turns to May-begotten and tells him to take them in at one-half impulse. T'Pol looks through her viewfinder and gives directions. She orders, "Hard to port!" suddenly. Mmm, ten-year-old tawny port. Enterprise heels to port, and the spatial anomaly they avoided casts weird and wavy light on the hull. Reed reports no damage. "Just how accurate is this map of yours?" Quantum demands. Oh, and you were doing so WELL with the encouraging part earlier. Boob. "Considering I only had thirty percent of our database to work with..." T'Pol leaves the obvious hanging. Seriously! Beggars can't be whiners, Quantum. T'Pol announces that there's an anomaly forming dead ahead, adding that it's expanding, merging, and building on other anomalies. Well, you can't spell "anomaly" without AOL. May-begotten wants to know "Which way, Sub-Commander?!" T'Pol shouts that it's growing too rapidly to do anything. Except watch its share price plummet. Quantum orders emergency power to hull plating. They all brace for impact, and the green anomaly passes right through all of them -- knocking Quantum conveniently back into his captain's seat, was that a hint? -- and continues through the rest of the ship. In Engineering, a Red Stripe does a backflip over the balcony in what I swear is the same shot we've seen about three times now!
On the bridge, all hell is breaking loose, and there's nothing they can do about it. May-begotten picks up a signal from a ship outside the anomaly. Enterprise shakes, and T'Pol announces that a tractor beam has locked onto them and pulled them out. Hoshi receives a hail from the rescue ship. "I guess we owe someone a thank-you," Quantum says, standing up stiff and tall. Dude, still with the Redwood up your bum? I just watched a Quantum Leap-a-thon and you DID NOT ACT LIKE THIS! Would you just PLEASE give me SOMETHING? If you're gonna act like this, at least have the courtesy to strip down to the Black Shirt of Sexiness so that I don't care as much. Hoshi puts the transmission onto the viewscreen, and all we see is the back of Quantum's head, which happens to be blocking the exact place where Shran McCain's head is on the viewscreen. The blue antennae rise up, as if in Quantum's hair. Now, if we hadn't already seen the Andorians in the first scene -- or in the previews all week -- this would have been cute, surprising, and quite effective. As it is, it's just sort of cute. Quantum stands open-mouthed and sighs. While furrowing. "Captain Archer, look at the trouble your pinkskin has gotten you into this time," Shran McCain drawls.
In Quantum's Ready Room, Shran McCain tells Quantum that he would never have thought Quantum was brave enough to take on an anomaly field in a ship as fragile as Enterprise. Apparently, the Andorians have figured out some tricks in order to avoid the anomalies. Responding to T'Pol's question, Shran McCain tells them that they traced Enterprise's warp signature, which they had memorized after their last encounter. "That explains how you got here -- it doesn't explain why," Quantum snaps. Why are you being so mean? They just saved your furrowing ass! "Your world was brutally attacked! The Imperial Guard thought you'd be grateful to have an ally!" Shran McCain says, before turning his blue eyes on T'Pol and adding, "Considering no one else came rushing to your aid." T'Pol supposes he found out about Earth's attack because he's been eavesdropping on conversations between Starfleet and the Vulcan High Command. No, not true -- maybe he just gets the daily papers! Shran McCain twits T'Pol about her non-regulation uniform, although he says he finds it very becoming. Since the Andorian females are likewise dressed in organ-squeezing black PVC, this does not surprise me. "I resigned my commission," T'Pol responds, looking Shran McCain straight in the eye. "Yeees, and I believe I heard something about that," Shran McCain says smoothly. Quantum again asks why the Andorians are here. Shran McCain goes off on the Vulcans' abandoning them in their hour of need -- not even sparing a single officer -- and the fact that T'Pol had to resign her commission in order to lend a hand. "A remarkably selfless act," Shran McCain tells T'Pol, "for a Vulcan." The Andorians are there to help Enterprise deal with the Xindi, but if the humans don't want that help, the little blue men will be happy to pull a Vulcan and leave them to furrow it out for themselves. Every time I saw a close-up of Shran in this, I had this urge to slather nourishing moisturizing cream all over his face. His makeup just made him look so dried-out -- he clearly needed a can of Bleucerin.
Reed briefs Quantum on repairs to the weapons and bitches about how long they will take. Quantum tells him that Shran McCain offered to send his tactical officer over to help out. "We'll be giving them access to critical systems," Reed comments. Quantum gets all frustrated -- with the situation, I assume, though he appears to take it out on Reed -- and says that they need to follow the yellow brick kemosabe signal; for that, they need all their defense systems to be operational. Reed looks at the floor. "I don't like the idea of having the Andorians down here any more than you do, but we could use their help," Quantum sort of pleads. Look, although he's kind of being a prick here, it's to Quantum's credit that he doesn't just order Reed to comply without trying to reason with him first. Quantum's definitely done that in past episodes and it really honked me off, so I'm going to give him props here for actually respecting his security chief. Reed bites a raspberry-banana coated lip and then ayes him. Quantum claps him on the arm and leaves. At least he didn't Mother Grab him. Reed looks around and makes annoyed faces. Hee -- nice one for Keating.
Quantum walks through blowtorch sparks in the corridors and is joined by T'Pol, who reports that the Andorian shuttle docked. T'Pol wants a security detail assigned to each Andorian. "You been talking to Lieutenant Reed?" Quantum asks. T'Pol just stares at him, not really comprehending what he's on about. Email bcc'd to Quantum: Vulcans haven't liked or trusted the Andorians since before you were fertilized -- Reed's got nothing to do with it. Quantum repeats his spiel that the Andorians are there to help, but T'Pol still thinks cautionary measures are in order. "I'm not going to make them work with guns at their heads just because you don't like them," Quantum tells her. T'Pol tells him that she neither likes nor dislikes the Andorians; she just has a lot of experience with them. "I appreciate that, but whatever problems exist between Vulcan and Andoria don't involve us," says Quantum. T'Pol quickly mentions that relations between the two races weren't always so antagonistic: "In fact, despite their heightened emotions, our first contact with Andorians seemed most promising." Quantum asks what happened, and T'Pol tells him that they were duplicitous and only honored stuff that didn't get in the way of what they wanted. I wonder if their duplicitous nature is going to come into play later? Oh, wait, I already know it will because of the DAMN PREVIEWS! Quantum ends the conversation by saying that his experience has taught him that he can trust Shran McCain.
Mess hall. A sweaty-faced Reed requests, "Coffee. Black," from the is-it-or-is-it-not-a-replicator machine. "No tea?" Trip quips. "Yeah, and no crumpets, either, thank you!" Reed tells him. Hey! I had tea and crumpets for breakfast today. I'm actually not kidding, I really did. Reed and Trip dish. "What's the situation like in Engineering?" Reed asks. "Bad. The Armory?" Trip answers, chewing on a tasty-looking sandwich. "Worse," Reed announces.
Andorianna enters and demands to know which one is Reed. Trip and Reed turn to look, and Reed announces that it is he. Andorianna stalks over and says, "I assumed I'd find you in the Armory, not relaxing...here. What is that?" She's referring to his coffee and her question was hysterically preceded by a sniff and an investigation by her antlers. "It's coffee," Reed says, "and just for the record, I haven't left the Armory for so much as a bathroom break in nearly twelve hours." What is WITH Reed and the bathroom fixation? Also, twelve hours, really Reed? You're going to have a blockage soon. After Reed prompts her, Andorianna introduces herself, and then Reed introduces her to Trip. "Pleasure," Trip nods. Andorianna barely acknowledges this and tells Reed she's there to help him with his torpedoes. "Indeed, well, I'll see if I can find something for you to do," Reed says. Didn't you hear? She's going to do your torpedoes. Andorianna tells Reed that since she's got duties of her own back on her ship, she's not there to dick around. "Well, I'll let you two get acquainted," Trip says; he pops a chip in his mouth, and leaves. HAH! It's how he says the "well" that's the best part. It's like he smooshed the "well" and "I'll" together so it came out, "Wall let you two get acquainted." I can't believe how much Connor Trinneer has grown on me since the first season. I know, it's disgusting and I'm seeking enema therapy.
After dinner, Shran McCain and Quantum chew the fat. Shran McCain pulls out a curvy bottle (clearly a Pier 1 special emptied of its fermenting, seasoned "olive oil") of blue Andorian ale and says they have a lot to celebrate since he never thought he'd find Quantum alive in The Expanse. Quantum, ever the prig, begs off slightly. I think it would do Quantum a world of good to get rip-roaring drunk. He could play "Asshole" and win every time! Shran McCain pretty much tells him to lighten the hell up and pours out two glasses, saying, "You seemed to enjoy it the last time we met." He also mentions that he brought Quantum a few extra bottles. They toast "to a swift victory" and drink. Whisky Faces duly made, Quantum squints and asks how Shran McCain got picked for this assignment. "I volunteered," says Shran McCain, fixing him with a look and pouring more ale for himself. "It made sense, I've had the greatest amount of contact with pink-- with humans. And the last time we met you helped my people avert a war. I don't like unpaid debts." Because they keep him up at night, remember? Quantum comments that they keep doing each other favors. "Isn't that how alliances are born?" Shran McCain says. Well, said, sir. Especially if you have lots of oil. They raise their shot glasses and drink again.
Engineering. I'm going to be very careful about recapping the eye contact in this scene, because there's been a lot of speculation and reading into things on the forums and while I see some, I certainly don't see all. T'Pol walks in and approaches Trip as he says -- his attention on some part of the engine -- "I haven't seen you in awhile." She steps up to him, looking around at the engine part he's working on. That seems natural and not an avoidance of his gaze, since she'd be taking stock of what he's doing. "As long as you're here, maybe you can give me a hand," Trip says. She glances at him as he says this, as one would do when expecting more information. From my seat on the couch, it's not a stare -- it's not imparting any sort of repressed feelings of passion. And I did rewind four times to scrutinize in case I was blinking during important bits. Trip shows T'Pol what he needs her to do. She does it. He sticks a blue flashlight in his mouth and checks the polarity with another instrument. "You know, I thought you might be avoiding me," Trip says, giving her a sidelong glance. A glance that she meets, not avoids. Keeping her eyes on her work, T'Pol comments, "Three neuro-pressure sessions a week is hardly avoiding you." "Yeah," Trip grins around the flashlight. Still not moving her eyes much from her work, since that could be dangerous, but slightly moving her head in deference to addressing him, T'Pol says that Quantum wants an update on the repairs. Trip gives her a rundown. "How long until we have warp?" she asks, looking directly at him. "I would say at least two days but, uh, the blue guys [here he looks up at an Andorian helping out somewhere] really know their stuff," Trip responds. Now, I will say that T'Pol watches him intently here, and then when he says, "We should be up and running in about twelve hours," she looks down. However, I put that all down to the fact that (a) she doesn't trust the Andorians and is interested in learning what Trip has to say about them, and (b) she is disappointed to learn that the Andorians have actually been helpful since it goes against what her personal expectations are for the "blue guys." When she looks down, Trip asks if there's something wrong. "No, keep me informed of your progress," she says with a bit of fidgetiness and leaves. Trip pauses before nonchalantly going back to work.
In the Armory, Reed fixes stuff with Andorianna. They argue over whether Andorianna is just there to hand Reed tools. He says "spanner," because he's British. "Is there anything else I can get you -- some coffee perhaps?" Andorianna asks. "That would be lovely," Reed answers. Andorianna starts to storm back to her ship, thanking Reed for the hospitality. "Give my regards to Commander Shran," Reed tells her, still intent on patching a hole. Andorianna crosses her arms, sticks out a hip, and tells Reed that she's not there to steal their secrets since it would hardly be worth the effort. THAT gets Reed's attention -- he whips around all "Exsqueeze me?" She finds their ship ancient. Reed is annoyed. "I'm sorry I wasted your time on our primitive systems," Reed spits out. "Not at all, I found it nostalgic," Andorianna responds, and tells him to be careful when reconnecting the power grid: "You didn't reset the EPS synchronizer. You may singe your eyebrows when you bring it back online." Andorianna goes to leave, and Reed has a change of heart. He calls Andorianna back and apologizes for his rudeness: "Why don't I get us both a cup of coffee and we can realign these relays...together." Yeah, but she doesn't want coffee, she wants SEX!
Quantum logs that they have been able to steer clear of anomalies, thanks to the Andorians.
Bridge. They approach a system cautiously. T'Pol can't tell if there are bio-signs because there's a lot of debris floating around. Shran McCain offers to let their superior sensors do the scanning without betraying their presence. Hoshi announces that the Andorian sensor reports are coming in, and she puts them up on the viewscreen. It looks curiously downscale for their usual effects on this show. I would put it down to inferior Andorian technology, but we've been told two different ways in the last two minutes that Andorian technology is far superior to that of the Enterprise. T'Pol views the data and concludes that all four vessels are Xinidian. Quantum stares and furrows. Shran McCain steps up behind him and joins him in both the staring and furrowing.
Stella Cartography. After looking at the evidence that the Xindi have been testing their weapon on uninhabited moons, Quantum compares it to the nuclear testing done on Bikini Atoll. "So you believe this is some kind of PROVING GROUND," T'Pol states (emphasis mine). Quantum doesn't think they have much time if the Xindi are now getting ready to test a new weapon. Because of their general state of disrepair, Shran McCain doesn't recommend a frontal assault on behalf of Enterprise: "You're outnumbered four-to-one." "I thought it was four-to-two," T'Pol correctly points out. Shran McCain still doesn't think that their combined forces would be sufficient for the firepower the Xindi seem to have. He points at a crater in the moon on the viewscreen. Quantum wants to take a closer look. "What do you propose we do? Fly up to them and ask them what they're doing?" Shran McCain asks. Quantum doesn't say anything, so you know that's exactly what he's proposing.
Shran McCain is escorted though the corridors until Trip meets up with him and escorts him the rest of the way. Shran McCain inquires after Trip's repairs, and Trip asks for some technology from Shran McCain's ship -- anti-matter injectors that use variable compression nozzles. Shran McCain isn't so sure he wants to hand over such sensitive and sophisticated equipment. I have to note that I do like how Enterprise is starting to be patched together and upgraded by various alien implants. Sort of like how Crichton altered his runabout with bio-mechanoid materials. "I thought we were allies here," Trip says. "That remains to be seen," Shran McCain comments. Trip grins. Shran McCain gets serious and expresses his deep sympathy for Trip's sister. "Well, lots of people lost family," Trip says with a stiff upper lip he borrowed from Malcolm's makeup case. "No great victory comes without sacrifice," Shran McCain reminds him, adding that the "dispute" between the Andorians and the Vulcans hasn't been bloodless. Shran McCain indicates that he lost a brother in the border wars, so he says he can see why Trip "seeks vengeance" against the Xindi. "I'd love to get my hands on whoever [sic] ordered that attack...but that's not why we're here," Trip says. "You have no desire to make these people pay for the death of your sister?" Shran McCain wonders. "I just want to make sure they don't get the chance to finish what they started," Trip says, opening the airlock for Shran McCain. "So, any help you can give us," Trip says, his jocularity gone. I looked for the tears that others saw in this scene, and I did not see them. I'm sorry. "I'll have that anti-matter injector delivered to you," Shran McCain promises. What does it say about Quantum's character that an alien expresses a lot more proper sensibilities at Trip's sister's death than he did? It's still always going to piss me off unless they find some way of explaining it away or rewriting history -- something they've gotten so used to, I don't even bother losing sleep over it anymore.
The Xindi prepare to test their weapon. Snake Eyes asks Mr. Man (who is on a different ship) what is causing the delay. Snake Eyes? Patience is a vertebrate virtue. Mr. Man gives him some technobabble excuse. Mr. Man then deploys the weapon. The rubberband ball (tm Gytha Ogg) is released from its moorings and meanders towards the moon. "Initiate firing protocols," Mr. Man says. The Xindi of the Round Table watch all of this on a flat-screen TV, delivered just in time for the Super Blow. On Mr. Man's ship, an alarm blares. Mr. Man announces that a ship just entered the system. Bug House slams two of his legs on the table -- they make a much louder noise than you'd expect a bug could make -- and demands (in subtitles) to know what kind of ship. Mr. Man doesn't know and aborts the weapon test. The Xindi of the Round Table demand to know what is going on. Mr. Man just tells them to stand by as he secures the weapon and says he'll call them back.
The other Mr. Men on Mr. Man's ship announce that they are receiving a transmission. Shran McCain's blue face pops onto their monitor, and he says he's of the Andorian Mining Consortium. On Shran McCain's ship, we can see Quantum and T'Pol standing well out of the way of the viewscreen. Mr. Man orders Shran McCain to leave the restricted space. Shran McCain plays dumb and says they are looking for a rare element -- he glances over at Quantum and goes on: "Archerite -- we picked up some promising readings coming from your system." Now, considering that the Xindi know Quantum by his other name, I'd say that was pretty dangerous of Shran McCain to call the "rare element" Archerite. Mr. Man keeps ordering them to leave. Mr. Man has a curious form of male-pattern baldness -- it's like a ploughed field. Shran McCain continues to play dumb and asks if they can continue their scans: "Archerite is extremely valuable to us. Even a few kilos will pay our expense for the ten cycles." HOLD THE PHONE! "Cycles"? Is that a shout-out to Farscape or what? A Mr. Man announces that they are being scanned. "We're not trying to violate your privacy -- our scanners are omni-directional -- and there's nothing to be concerned about." Mr. Man tells Shran McCain to stop scanning and leave, or they'll destroy them. Shran McCain's antennae swivel in annoyance and he says, "There's no need for threats," all pretense of joviality gone. Quantum steps forward slightly and gives him a look. Shran McCain puts his jovial face back on and says they'll leave, but if the system contains Archerite, the Xindi just lost the opportunity to collect a generous percentage. Shran McCain hangs up. "Take us out of the system," Shran McCain orders, "but not too quickly. The Andorian Mining Consortium runs from no one." Hee. Quantum and T'Pol exchange looks.
Stella Cartography. Quantum and T'Pol look at the scans the Andorians got, and determine that it has all the trappings of being the same sort of weapon that attacked Earth. They are going to be pi-issed when they find out that it's just a sphere full of ordinary fertilizer. T'Pol announces that their systems are still not up to snuff and won't be for two more days. Quantum doesn't think they have two days, and Shran McCain asks what his big fat hurry is. "This can't be the final version of the weapon. T'Pol's analysis shows it isn't powerful enough to destroy an entire planet. Let them run their tests -- why destroy their prototype when we can see it in use?" Quantum says he doesn't intend to destroy it, because if he can bring it back to Starfleet, they might be able to cobble together some sort of defense against it.
Armory. Reed and Andorianna do some more stuff. "All we have left is to reset the emitters," Reed says. Andorianna agrees and asks, "What's the frequency?" "Kenneth," Dr. Mathra adds, because he can't ever let anything go. Reed won't tell her, and Andorianna states that he doesn't trust her. "No offense, but when it comes to our weapons frequencies, I wouldn't trust my own mother," Reed says. "Is your mother considered a security risk?" Andorianna asks comically. Reed tells her it was just an expression. "An odd one -- my mother's security clearance is higher than mine," Andorianna tells him. Reed is surprised; he realizes that Andorianna comes from a military family, which inevitably leads to how disappointed his father is in him for not choosing the Royal Navy. What is it about British men and their fathers? "Perhaps he'd feel differently if he saw you now -- fighting for the survival of your race," Andorianna suggests. Reed agrees. Oh, I just noticed that he's stripped down his jumpsuit and is only wearing that black long-sleeved undershirt. Yum -- you could splash a bit of balsamic vinegar on that and call it Haute Cuisine! Reed finishes what he was doing and says he'll go power it up and see what happens. He stands rather close to Andorianna and they have A Moment. Isn't it fascinating how sharing bits of family history with one another always makes you want to have sex? At this weird angle, she really looks like she's towering over him. I wonder if nelamm is right about the Andorian females' always being taller. After Reed leaves, Andorianna bends over and starts fiddling with stuff again.
Bridge. T'Pol announces that the Xindi have launched the prototype. Quantum wants a better look, so Shran McCain calls his ship and requests their sensor telemetry transferred to Enterprise. The bad graphics appear again.
The Xindi of the Round Table watch as the weapon fires on the moon. A lot of dirt is kicked up and huge chunks slough off, but the moon doesn't explode the way Earth did in "Twilight" (which is being repeated Wednesday, by the way). This seems rather anti-climatic for all involved. Although, Quantum looks down, all disturbed in his mind.
The Xindi of the Round Table are very unhappy with the lack of total destruction. Mr. Man explains that the weapon was building to an overload and they had to shut it down. The Xindi complain. Mr. Man makes excuses. The Xindi complain -- even Aquaman gets in on it from his tank -- and say they don't want to "peck away" at the humans, bit by bit. Peck away? Isn't that a bit insensitive considering they killed off the Birdmen of Xinditraz lo, those many years ago? Mr. Man makes more excuses.
Enterprise. In the Stella Cartography room, T'Pol, Quantum and Shran McCain look at a replay of the moon not blowing up, and T'Pol opines that something went wrong with the weapon: "It is clear it was building to an overload." Shran McCain clarifies that this means the weapon failed. Quantum chuckles (it really gave Dr. Mathra the creeps when he chuckled, since it's the first time he's done anything like that all season) and says, "Gralik," and then explains who Gralik is and why he's funny. It sort of bothers me that he calls Gralik an "Arboreal Xindi" here, because that was never actually said in "Shipment" or at any other time. And it's not like Mr. Mugato was being obvious about hanging from trees by three toes or anything. "He promised to help us," Quantum goes on. "Looks like he kept his word." Because the sphere is emitting high levels of radiation, it's not safe for anyone to get close for another six hours. "We've gotta get to it before they do," Quantum says, and starts figuring out ways they could bring it aboard. T'Pol delivers the unhappy news that their ship isn't sufficient to protect crew from the radiation. Shran McCain offers up the use of his ship -- the Andorians will keep it in their launchbay until it's safe to transfer it to Enterprise. Quantum thanks him but asks if they're just supposed to sit back and "cheer [them] on." That's a good point. You're a great cheerleader, Quantum, and you're cute as hell. Maybe you're just not "captain" material. Shran McCain tells him it would be a "joint venture." Quantum gets a weapons update from Reed, who tells him that, thanks to Andorianna, they should have their phase cannons back within the hour.
In the Armory, Andorianna says she wishes they had more time: "You're only going to get ninety-four percent efficiency from the phase cannons." Reed stops in his tracks and says, "I've never gotten them above ninety-three!" He adds, "If you ever decide to leave the Imperial Guard, Starfleet could certainly use you." So could he. Andorianna returns the compliment by saying, "And if you ever get tired of exploring, you'd do well in the Imperial Guard." Aw, isn't it so nice how everyone's getting along so well?
Quantum stiffs out an acceptance of Shran McCain's offer. The Andorian starts to toddle off to his ship, but Quantum says he's going with him. Shran McCain doesn't think it's necessary and says they'll keep him informed, he starts to rush out and Quantum shouts, "That isn't good enough! If something goes wrong..." Shran McCain argues that his crew is competent and can handle the task. Quantum questions the "joint venture," and glances back at T'Pol as he says it. "We'll render whatever assistance we can, but my crew won't take orders from you!" says Shran McCain. Who says they had to? "They're going to have to," Quantum says. Oh. But why? Why would Quantum be giving orders? Wouldn't he just be on the ship overseeing stuff? I don't get it. "The Imperial Guard does not serve at YOUR LEISURE, PINKSKIN!" Shran McCain shouts. Quantum shouts back that it's HIS MISSION! Quantum shouts some more that it was seven million PEOPLE the Xindi killed, not ANDORIANS, and that he's calling the shots. If that's not acceptable -- he walks back to stand by T'Pol and nearly trips over the anvil of solidarity -- they'll go it alone. Shran McCain stares.
On the Andorian ship, Shran McCain talks to an Andorian General who is impressed by the scans of the weapon he sent. Shran McCain reports that T'Pol thinks the weapon is unstable. "The Vulcan?" General Andorian Clark sneers. "I have no reason to doubt her assessment," responds Shran McCain."She seems...capable." General Andorian Clark says that they will review her data and Shran McCain is to proceed as planned. Shran McCain tells General Andorian Clark that he thinks the humans would be valuable allies. "If your mission is successful, we won't need allies," General Andorian Clark tells him. Shran McCain argues some more, and General Andorian Clark tells him to shut it and hopes that his "regard" for Quantum won't cause him to lose sight of his duty. General Andorian Clark hangs up.
Armory. Reed is annoyed that Andorianna is playing with the sensors, since they weren't damaged. "Not by the anomalies," Andorianna explains. "With all the bypasses we've been running, we obviously could've created some additional problems." "You're just being thorough," Reed says, sort of shamefacedly. As a body cavity check. Andorianna tells him she fixed the lateral array, which was out of alignment, and says she'd take the ship into battle herself. That must be her highest compliment. "Even with our primitive weapons?" Reed asks, recalling the earlier conversation. "It's not the weapon, it's the solider who wields it," Andorianna says, and walks away. Are we still talking about starships? Reed smiles -- knowing he has nothing to fear in that department -- and then puts on a serious face and starts looking at what she was doing.
Mr. Man's ship. His Mr. Men detect a ship carrying humans, so Mr. Man sends escort ships to intercept it. "We have to keep them away from the weapon," Mr. Man says.
Bridge. Once May-plouf detects the Xindi ships, T'Pol orders a tactical alert. Reed complies, and the sound going to tactical alert makes is quite different from any other tactical alert. It's more subdued -- it almost sounds like the tactical alert sound-thingy is underwater. T'Pol reports the situation to Quantum, who is standing on Shran McCain's bridge. He tells her to try to keep them busy. "I await your orders," Shran McCain sarcasms. "Let's go get it," Quantum says. Shran McCain orders his crew. The Andorian ship flies among the moon's debris.
Mr. Man's Mr. Men detect the ship and report it. "It's the Andorian ship, they're heading for the weapon." Mr. Man realizes the two ships are working together and orders his scout ships back.
Enterprise plays around with the scout ships. They receive fire and return fire. The scout ships start to return to their system. T'Pol orders pursuit and the continuation of all weapons.
The Andorian ship flies by and nabs the sphere in its tractor beam. "We have it," Andorianna reports. Quantum steps forward and heaves mightily. They leave the system. Andorianna tells Shran McCain that the Xindi aren't following them, since Enterprise damaged their propulsion systems. To Quantum's question, Andorianna tells him that Enterprise has gone to warp with no apparent damage. "Contact T'Pol, have her meet us at the rendezvous site," Quantum orders. Andorianna doesn't make a move. Quantum looks at Shran McCain, who doesn't do anything either. He asks what the problem is. Shran McCain tells Andorianna to tell the Imperial Guard that they have the weapon, and then set a course for Andoria at maximum warp. Quantum figures out what's going on: "Now I see why you generously offered to let us use your ship -- you son of a bitch!"
Why oh why am I wanting to watch Who Wants to Marry Ryan Banks? It's on the Family Channel for Crippen sakes! I'll be honest with you. I'm not wanting to watch it, I AM watching it.
Shran McCain tells Quantum that he was ordered by the Imperial Guard to bring back the sphere no matter what. "I'm starting to think the Vulcans may be right about you," Quantum says, pacing fruitlessly around for a WOTWW. Shran McCain shouts, "The Vulcans are the reason we're doing this!" Quantum's confused, until Shran McCain explains that the Andorians have this huge Cold War thing going on and will just feel a lot better about peace if they have a weapon so massive that the Vulcans would never dream of attacking them. Quantum's quite incensed that Shran McCain would put the humans at risk over a border dispute. "We disrupted the Xindi test -- took their weapon, we may have helped save your world!" Shran McCain shouts back. They yell some more. Quantum says that his crew will never let the Andorians get away with this incredible theft, but Shran McCain isn't worried that the Enterprise is using the same wind they are using. Quantum points out that the Andorians will have to slow down when they go through the anomaly field. Andorianna looks back at them. "I anticipated that," Shran McCain spits, and says that Andorianna sabotaged Enterprise's sensor array: "They may be able to catch us, but they'll have no way of finding us." Quantum takes a breath and then hauls off and wallops Shran McCain in the mouth. He's a lefty -- that's interesting. Shran McCain falls neatly back into his chair, and blue blood oozes from his mouth. I guess that means he's a royal and will develop a receding chin any day now. "You like to talk about repaying debts -- I've owed you that for a long time now!" Quantum snarls. Shran McCain tells his people to take Quantum to an escape pod: "I'll alert Enterprise where to find you." Quantum shakes off his blue escorts and storms off. There's this signage above Shran's chair that looks like it should be in a retro bar. It's kind of cool. After Quantum leaves, Shran looks saddish.
Back on Enterprise, T'Pol explains what went down with the Xindi ships. Quantum asks Reed about the sensors, and Reed says he has them back online. "You were right, sir. If I hadn't been watching that Andorian officer, it might have taken weeks to find out where she sabotaged the array," Reed reports. "Wait, Quantum was right? It was Reed who was more worried about it from the outset!" Dr. Mathra insists. T'Pol updates Quantum on where the Andorian ship is, and Reed says they'll intercept them in fourteen minutes.
Shran McCain talks to General Andorian Clark, who is so pleased with his work that he promises a commendation. Shran McCain tells him not to bother. "Transmit your analysis as soon as possible," General Andorian Clark says, and hangs up looking pissed. Shran sits at his desk with his blue IKEA shelving and his tasteful blue knickknacks, which include a geode on the top shelf and a blue ball on the bottom shelf. I wonder if he could play water polo with Quantum with that blue ball. Hey! I just though of something: has water polo been mentioned at all this season? I mean, I know we've seen the ball because he was banging it, but thank god he hasn't babbled about the game itself. Of course, it would be unseemly for him to be talking about water polo when he's worried about war, but I never would have put it past Season One Quantum. He's grown. And not just in the fungal sense.
Andorianna tells Shran McCain that the Enterprise approacheth. Shran makes tracks. Blue tracks. He asks Quantum's viewscreen face how he found them. "You don't think I'd let your people work on my ship without appropriate supervision?" Quantum's face asks him. Gytha Ogg for Shran: "Well, yeah. I've been watching the show!" Quantum then demands the weapon back. Shran McCain laughs that off and tells Quantum that he shouldn't drink too much Andorian ale in one sitting. "You tossed me overboard before I had a chance to thank you for letting us access your sensor telemetry. When the Xindi tested the weapon, we were able to intercept their activation codes," Quantum explains. Shran McCain starts to comprehend the temporal drift of this conversation. "Give it to us. Or we'll detonate it in your cargo bay," Quantum scowls. Shran McCain doesn't think he'll risk losing the weapon. Oh, but Quantum thinks he will, since he'd rather the weapon be destroyed than let the Andorians have it. Shran McCain doesn't understand this, since the Andorians aren't the enemies of the humans. Quantum can't take the chance that the Andorians would use it against the Vulcans. Shran McCain doesn't know what the Vulcans have done to deserve Quantum's loyalty. "You said you came to help us, Shran, you can still make good on your offer," Quantum tells him. Shran McCain won't budge, and Quantum tells him he has no choice.
Shran McCain doesn't believe he's got the water polos to make good on his threat, and orders his crew to take him into the anomaly. Quantum calls to T'Pol, and she pushes some buttons. Shran McCain stares at Quantum and tries to furrow out what he's up to. He then calls down to his cargo bay for a report. The report comes back that the weapon has been activated and they can't shut it down. Quantum tips his chin and raises his eyebrows at this news. It's welcome change from his usual. "I'd get rid of it while you still can," Quantum suggests helpfully. T'Pol says that they have less than thirty seconds to shit or get off the pot. "Shran?" Quantum says. "Twenty seconds," T'Pol counts. Shran McCain struggles and then finally orders the cargo jettisoned. The weapon falls from the Andorian ship like a round piece of rabbit turd. I guess they decided to shit. "Six seconds," T'Pol says, and Quantum orders May-whether to get them out of there. Just before the weapon explodes you can hear it scream out, "And we're going to Earth! And Vulcan! And Andoria! And after that we're going to Kronos to take back the Klingon High Council -- yeeeaaargh!" You had to listen really hard. The Andorian ship (like the voters) is caught in the shock. Enterprise shakes a bit but sustains no damage. Reed reports that the Andorian ship's hull is intact but they took on significant damage to their engines and power systems. Quantum orders Hoshi to open a channel to Shran McCain and asks if he needs their assistance.
Time has passed, and Quantum logs that Shran McCain "graciously declined [their] offer of help" and preferred to "limp away" on auxiliary power.
Stella Cartography. This is the part I didn't predict. Quantum steps in, and Hoshi tells him that just before they went to warp they received a transmission from the Andorians. T'Pol takes up the thread of explanation: "It wasn't on one of their normal comm frequencies; it was encrypted to look like subspace interference." On the screen, schematics, scans, and general FAQs about the weapon materialize. "Apparently, they had time to take some detailed scans while it was aboard their ship," Hoshi explains. "Judging from the clandestine nature of the transmission I'd guess that whoever sent this didn't want to be discovered," T'Pol adds. "Get it to Starfleet Command right away," Quantum orders somewhat cheesily. Hoshi trots off. Does anyone else feel that Starfleet Command is full of a bunch of dolts who won't have the slightest clue what to do with the information? Or that Admiral Forrest will suppress it. Because he's evil. Quantum straightens up and says to T'Pol, "Why don't you and Trip join me for dinner tonight? I have some Andorian ale you might like to try." Nice that he waited until Hoshi was gone before he proffered the invite. I mean, according to Shran McCain, he donated several bottles to the Enterprise Drunkenness Cause -- why couldn't Quantum invite Hoshi, May-hew, and Reed along with his favored two? Honestly, I think Reed did a lot more than Trip in this ep and is far more deserving of crapping blue the morning.