Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
By Joe R | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.23.2006
Ryan's VO fills us in on the rich history of singers, dancers, and rappers on American Idol. Under that last heading, they show a clip of the "Humpty Dance" girl from last week, who I have to tell you was my total favorite and I am sad we will never see further iterations of her. Oh, and under "dancers" we see an eighth of a second of the "proof is in the paper" girl, dropping it like it was hot. So there's another tiny piece of that puzzle. This is all a way of introducing "all-terrain entertainer" Marcus Phillips (23, San Jose CA). He talks and acts like a radio DJ. Which should give you a pretty good idea. The "all-terrain" includes the following disciplines: "singer, rapper, songwriter, dancer, comedian, actor," choreographer, photographer, stenographer, violinist, mime, speed walker, amateur jeweler, and ship-in-a-bottle hobbyist. Randy looks like he wants to commit murder. So Marcus starts to sing "This Little Light of Mine," and it's like...remember when Tracy Morgan was on Saturday Night Live? When he would play women? Or that "Yeeesss?" guy on The Simpsons? With the high, cracked voice? That's Marcus. The judges then demand to hear the rap. Which is still in the falsetto, and even worse than the singing, and is not even rap. Randy tries to speak real words but cannot. Then Marcus tries to do some stepping, then some beat-boxing, and it's all part of the kaleidoscope of suck that is Marcus Phillips. He talks really fast and calls Paula "pretty lady," like he wants Paula to play three-card monte. He's actually really cool when they shoot him down, so points for him. Just don't let him get you to pick the red queen. Jane Santayana (19, Vallejo CA) is a college student who is dressed like Rayanne Graf. She sings "Sweet Love" by Anita Baker, and I will say with all due embarrassment that the after the first two notes I thought she was singing "Inside Your Heaven." Like maybe the sight of Carrie's picture on the set just hypnotized Jane into singing it. I'm almost positive someone far smarter than me has said this before, but attempting Anita Baker is just not advisable. Her voice is so distinctive that if you do well, it sounds like you're doing an impersonation, and if you do poorly, there is fire and wreckage. So it's tough to say how well Jane does, but Simon isn't that impressed. He says the song was "too big" for her, which I can see. Randy puts on the asshole pants again and tries to start a fight, saying that Jane is saying "oh, really" because she doesn't agree with what Simon said. And Jane, to her credit, does not want any part of that, and she even concedes a little to Simon. Randy tells Jane that Simon is "having an off day," while Simon just sits there and smiles the smile of "wow, you're being an ass right now." Randy continues to rag on Simon, who doesn't argue back, ever, as a rule. Though Simon does tell Jane that "Beethoven and Mozart are going to put [her] through." I would have put her through, too, but I think her voice was borderline enough to warrant Simon's skepticism. I start to wonder, too, with this being the first audition city, chronologically, if there is a power struggle aspect to this. That Randy and Paula are trying to set a tone this season where their opinions are valued more than they have been, and they need to discredit Simon a little to do so. It's a theory, I guess.
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