Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
By Joe R | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.23.2006
Tyra Juliette Schwartz (24) is from New York City, and she tells Ryan her tale of woe. She called her boyfriend at some unspecified time during the "last couple of weeks" to thank him for all his support, and the girl he was cheating on her with answered the phone. Doesn't Alicia Keys have something to say with regard to this matter? Jacob? ["I believe I said don't start, sir." -- Jacob] All this happened to her when she was recovering from surgery. Look, that's a nice story and all, and Tyra seems like a nice person and I have sympathy and all that. But after seeing Kellie "At Least Joey Potter's Mom Had The Courtesy To Die" Pickler and Kendra "Ward of the State" Winston? Girlfriend had no idea what she was getting into. She trots out in front of the judges and trades intros with Paula ("You're Tyra Juliette?" "And you're Paula Abdul!") and is very likeable. She sings "In the Still of the Night" very cleanly and prettily. Everybody compliments her voice, but Simon isn't sure he's looking at a star. Honestly, Tyra would be well-served by a makeover, I think. Nothing drastic, just something that'll keep her hair out of her face. Tyra then proceeds to talk a real good game about being willing to work for this, and how this is an opportunity she's proud to have. Simon thinks she'll "brush up well," and I agree. He tells her she has a "very nice voice." And Tyra says "thank you, that means what?" I think she kinda lost Simon there. Nobody likes that "so am I going to Hollywood or what?" thing, Tyra. It's Simon's show, let him play it out at his pace. Paula pulls her feet out of the fire by saying, "That means I like your voice, [Simon] likes your voice…" and Randy loves her voice. I have to say, Paula did a really good emcee job in Greensboro. Drunk Paula is fun, too, but it's nice to see what she can do with her wits about her.Outside, Ryan is telling a speechless Tyra how she can "meet a new guy in Hollywood." Then the Seacrest VO of Awful Segues spins off "meet a guy" into what can only be described as the Montage o' Ugly Dudes. We see denim guy with the dropped nerves, salmon-shirted bowl cut, Mama Cass, Dennis Rodman, (vote for) Pedro, and this poor unfortunate soul dressed like Michael Jackson. This is Seth Strickland (22, Rome GA), who allegedly sings "Thriller," as Vincent Price spins in his grave. Could someone just audition with that part of "Thriller"? That would be killer. I'd love to see "Humpty Dance" girl from last week do that shit. "And whosoever shall be found / without the soul for getting down." That's poetry, y'all. Anyway, Seth keeps messing up and starting over again and spinning around and going up on his toes. He eventually does a moonwalk, which is I guess what we were all waiting for. Then he starts singing "She's Out of My Life," and after Marcus, you just can't do that song bad enough to be a blip on the radar. You know who Seth kind of sounds like? The Fine Young Cannibals guy. Where he's singing from an air pocket in the back of his throat, or whatever. Regardless, he's a chucker, and not a very interesting one at that. Next?
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