Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
By Joe R | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.23.2006
We get started with three identical-looking blondes in sundresses and leis walking down the street. Anywhere from one to all three of them may in fact be Lauren "LC" Conrad, but the truth of the matter is that Anna Wintour has probably already murdered that girl and eaten her corpse. No, our auditioner here is Heidi Fairbanks (22, Laie HI), who tells us that people "like to call [her] 'Happy Heidi from Hawaii." Not if they like you, they don't. She does a hula for the cameras, of course. Then she flips it on the judges and sings some Verdi. My ear totally wasn't trained for the opera stuff, but she sounds pretty good. Paula is like, "That was beautiful, but sing something we can sell." So Heidi sings "Angels," which I know as a Robbie Williams song, and had no idea Jessica Simpson covered it. So I'm thinking Heidi does a very good rendition of Jessica Simpson's version of the song, considering it sounds like ass. Simon says he loved the first song, hated the second. Simon sums it up the only way he can, which is that she's great with the "classical style" and not very good with the pop stuff, and unfortunately, the pop stuff is what the competition is for. He votes no; Paula agrees she sounded awful on the pop song and still votes yes (lord), so it's up to Randy. Who can go either way when it comes to crushing hopes and dreams, as we will see throughout the night. He dithers for-ever and finally says no. Heidi takes it pretty well, though out in the hallway she tells the camera that "Randy says to pursue opera," in this tone like that's a stupid suggestion. I hope I'm just misreading that, because I don't need any more delusional this week.Next up is this dude who looks (and kind of talks) like Esther Rolle. He is not a skinny man, that much I will say. The threads on his striped silk shirt have reached critical mass. We see him go to opera training in this velvety track suit that fits him much better. The backstory footage gives the impression that this guy, this Shawn Vasquez (18, Oakland CA), is going to be pretty good. Shawn tells the judges that he doesn't "sing," he "sangs." He "sangs" some Gladys Knight as if Gladys herself was trapped inside his throat, screaming for release. It's scary, a little. Randy is physically injured by this singing. Randy, by the way, is wearing a grandfather clock on his wrist. Which is undoubtedly the latest in bling couture, but to me just comes across like large print books. You can see where Shawn's opera training comes into play, actually, with his mouth wide open and his voice coming from down in his toes, but it's truly awful. His voice cracks like a tree branch at the end, and he owns it, but Randy has to tell him to stop. Paula can't look at him to give her critique, so he starts to sing again, which is like automatic disqualification, you know? If you have to pull that, you've already failed. Simon gives the "one of the worst voices I've ever heard" response that he gives to every third auditioner. He also dubs the voice "almost nonhuman," which is closer to the truth. Randy then becomes a career counselor and wonders what else Shawn can do with his life besides singing. It's over, and as Shawn is exiting, Simon pulls the "hang on: Randy, yes or no?" card, which is a dick maneuver, but it's a dick maneuver directed at Randy and Paula and not Shawn.
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