Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
By Joe R | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.23.2006
Next up is baby-voiced Rhonda Jones (21, Greensboro NC), who has a pink cowgirl hat and a cheerful disposition. She says her mom tells her she sounds like a cross between Carrie Underwood and Britney Spears, but her mom "knows nothing about music, so…" Heh. She sings "As Long As You Love Me" in a voice even higher and squeakier than her own speaking voice, as if that was possible. She's like all three Chipettes from Alvin and the Chipmunks melded together. Simon makes a "the problem was it sounded just like the original" joke that lands with a thud because Paula can't decipher whether he's making fun of Rhonda or the Backstreet Boys. Rhonda makes the argument that she's sweet, cute, and adorable, but Simon counters, "So is Paula, but she's not going through." Heh. Okay, Cowell, I will give you that one. Rhonda wants this "more than a whole bag of Gummi bears," but it ain't happening. Out in the hallway, she emotionally blackmails Ryan into a hug, which is kind of sweet, I guess.
Oh, Christ on Christmas, here we go next with Sgt. Steven David, Jr. (28, Dalzell SC). Okay, first of all, the man could objectively be called hot. But between the bald head and the pencil mustache, there's a little too much Jon Polito going on there to feel comfortable. He's also attitudey, to the point of smarmy, and that is a line you need to walk very damn carefully with me. Let's see how he does. He gives his Air National Guard credentials and all three judges are like, "props!" in unison. Then? He focuses on Paula, does this hand motion over his face which is equal parts American sign language for "beautiful" and a pantomime of wiping the sweat of his face and...licking his hand? People, you know I would rather not be telling you this. Paula is aghast/flattered/drunk. Sgt. Steven proposes to her that if he sounds good, then she will come dance with him, and Simon is all too eager to agree on Paula's behalf. Randy's like, "Enough of this escort service shit, what are you singing?" He's singing Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On." Fucking of course he is.
He sings it right to Paula, and he's not awful but he's also not that great. So then, Paula gets all giggly with the "I think I have to go dance with him," and Sgt. Steven -- his eyes squinted down to lecherous slits -- beckons her with his hand, "Let's get it on; Let's love, baby," and his voice goes down to a whisper and he leans in and is like "come on," and it is profoundly uncomfortable. There is flirting with Paula -- a time-honored AI tradition -- and then there is actually asking her to fuck you on national television. Paula is giggling like mad here, and Simon and Randy actually get up, haul her out of her chair, and drag her over to what is now the dance floor, I guess. It's like The Accused all up in there, except that Paula doesn't have the sense that God gave a bunny rabbit (or, you know, Jodie Foster) because she just...starts dancing with him. Danger! Danger, Paula Abdul!
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