Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
By Joe R | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.23.2006
So. All through this episode, we've been shot to commercial with promises of this awful girl in a blonde wig and silver tube top who may in fact be an actual hooker. She will eventually become Rhonetta goddamn Johnson, and we'll certainly get to her later on. But she's been pimped at every commercial break with bits and pieces of her upcoming psychotic break. This time it's special, and it won't be replayed later, so I will recap it for you: So Rhonetta is going off on AI, Paula, whatever, and then she looks right into the camera and spits the following: "I'm still gonna be famous, 'cause guess who told me? Ten of my motherfucking psychic friends told me that!" There is head-waggling going on throughout. I have no clue how Seacrest did not bust out laughing at that, but he puts out his arm onto her shoulder like that is all that is keeping him from losing his shit. At least, that's how I would have been. Ten of her motherfucking psychic friends, y'all. That was fantastic.
Day Two starts off with Simon's birthday, and all the principals wheel in a cake. Ryan makes the obligatory "Happy 50th!" joke, and it's all he and Simon can do to resist slathering each other in icing. I'm already tired just thinking about how I'm going to deal with their whole "I love you, don't touch me" bullshit this season. I've got Todd Haynes and Gregg Araki on ice, just in case I need them, that's for damn sure.
Marcus Behling (22, Powder Springs GA) enjoys orange shirts with popped collars, dancing like a fool, and having a smile as big as all of Greensboro. He's been told this his vocal style is "different" (here we go), and he has won "approximately" ten talent shows, three (again, "approximately") in the last year. There are red flags all over my TV screen right now. He is very handsome and put together when he goes before the judges, but when he starts to sing "She's Out of My Life," by Michael Jackson, it all goes to hell. First line: "She's out oooooooooooooof my liiiiiiiiiiiiiife." It lasts a King Kong amount of time. Terrence Malick is even like, "Damn!" When Marcus finally comes up for air, the judges start to laugh, but he's is not done. Nobody knows exactly what to do, especially when Marcus starts to pantomime to the lyrics ("cryyyyyyyy…"). Randy cannot contain himself. Paula doesn't move an inch, lest her weave fall completely out her head. Simon: "What the hell was that?" Everybody is having a ball with this. The only thing putting a damper on this is that Marcus does not know how bad he is. If he had managed to own that, this all would have been perfect. Not that it doesn't get exponentially better, because when Simon asks him if he's ever had vocal lessons, he says that he got the Randy and Paula DVD. Jackpot. The room explodes in laughter, and Simon looks like Santa, the Easter Bunny, and Christina Christian just showed up and gave him a basket full of money. This is the greatest moment in his entire life.
Okay, just so you know, the rest of this segment continues on in the following manner: the judges are having an absolute ball, while Marcus is still under the false impression that he even exists anymore beyond his new role as water pistol for Simon to squirt Randy and Paula with. He keeps trying to plead his case; meanwhile Simon is, like, sounding off noisemakers and shaking Marcus's hand and kissing babies and making out with sailors on V-J Day. Simon: "Does it come with a money-back guarantee?" I have never seen so much pure joy on Simon's face. Randy asks Marcus to sing again, and it's more with the endless vowels, and then Randy does the one really shitty thing in this segment. He says, "Marcus, you have no singing talent. I don't care what teachers, what DVD, it's not going to help you. That's why it didn't help you." Don't try and salvage your sales at the kid's expense, you asshole. Roll with the joke and put him out of his misery. The judges are all laughing too much to take a proper vote, as Simon keep deferring to the two judges with a "vested interest" in this. Paula tries to bright-side things, telling Marcus that he's a handsome kid and should maybe try modeling. Simon: "Randy's got a modeling DVD coming out." Hee. Marcus finally leaves after getting the no votes. Simon says it's the best birthday he's ever had. He's glowing, like he's the prettiest girl in the Easter parade. Outside, Marcus takes a hammer to the "infamous DVD," which is blurred out, because this show doesn't pay the rights fees for anything unless it has to.
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