Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
By Joe R | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.23.2006
Montage o' Crazy People (the theme: "personality") brings us to Jimmy Crabtree (24, Mebane NC), who the show wants you to know is the most boring person in the history of history. And, okay, he's kind of dead-eyed, but I don't think he really warrants the grim reaper music they're playing for him. He talks about meeting a girl at a bar when she heard him sing...and she wants him to sing at her wedding. It's kind of endearing, actually, how he tells that story without self-pity, but rather with a "so that's an opportunity for me to sing" attitude. Sue me, I like him. He sings "Bless the Broken Road" with his eyes welded shut, and it's awful. He has absolutely no control over his twang, for one thing. It just pops up whenever it feels like it. Simon says he has the personality of a hippo, which pretty much embodies my biggest irritation with Simon. I don't care that he makes fun of shitty auditioners. That's the show, at least for the first few weeks. It's just..."personality of a hippo" a) makes no sense, in and of itself; and b) is not at all accurate in this case. Rhonetta goddamn Johnson has the personality of a hippo: loud, foul, and apt to run you the fuck over. Jimmy Crabtree has the personality of that kid you went to high school with who's super-quiet, everybody likes but no one hangs out with, and always has a girlfriend. Say he has the personality of a tree stump. Whatever. "Hippo" just confuses people. Keep this in mind during the semi-finals, Simon, when you're comparing every third contestant to a singer in a (insert nationality here) nightclub. Randy and Paula both tell him to stop singing forever, and Paula mentions how he really needs to open his eyes and all. Bullshit funeral music plays him out the door. We're introduced to Sammy Neighbors (22, Providence NC) in the lobby, where he is fake catwalking and crawling around on the ground like Madonna. He's got this halo of curly hair -- not unlike Kendra Winston's, actually -- and his eyebrows are waxed and penciled to within an inch of their lives. And he's all set to blow our minds with how fabulous he is, until he interviews with "I go to the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, and I'm just...a crazy person!" Aw, Sammy. So close to having an actual personality! "I'm crazy" does not count an actual personality unless you work in casting for Bunim-Murray. Sammy corrects Ryan that his name is not "Sam," and says he'll be the next American Idol because he is "raw" (or "rah"? The closed captioning says "raw," but I could go either way, frankly). He certainly does the model walking with a lot of conviction, I will give him that. So he goes before the judges and starts to unfurl his little red blanket he brought with him. Paula asks if he's going to do a magic trick, with honest-to-god wonder in her voice. Sammy puts as much lechery into his voice as possible and says "maybe." Sammy makes me nervous. Sammy is like my own version of Sgt. Steven David, Jr. I want him to stop looking at me like that. So he sings that awful song from Aladdin that was part of the "Peabo Bryson will sing duets for food" era of the early '90s, and he's half misconceived sex kitten and half Mary Katherine Gallagher. The latter was intentional, as we'll see later on. You can't critique the singing because he doesn't really sing. So that makes things easier. Then he starts with some "Straight Up" and Paula gives this priceless look off-camera like she's trying to deny responsibility for this whole scene. Sammy shakes a lot and ad libs an "all I'm doin' is having fun," and it's harmless, but it's also rather boring. This is American Idol, Sammy! You're not the only attention-starved extrovert in your social circle anymore. Step up or step off, you know? Simon calls him "Sylvester Stallone's younger sister," but even his heart isn't in it. He just wants this over with, as do I. Sammy gets what he wants in Paula calling him "fabulous," so I guess everyone is happy.
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