Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
By Joe R | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.23.2006
So they're dancing and he keeps singing and she's fanning herself and he's staring at her, and Randy's like, "This is a weird show," and I would tend to agree. So with Paula standing next to Sgt. Steven, Simon and Randy start to compliment the dancing and the sign language/sweat lick thing. Paula gets kind of stern-faced and wants them to talk about the vocals. Yeah, because he's totally there for his vocals and not his scorched-earth, GHB-laced charisma. Simon says the vocals were "good-ish," to which Stockholm Syndrome Paula counters with "very good," and Randy says yes, too. So Paula gives Sgt. Steven the high sign for Hollywood, and then (what, you thought it was over?) I swear to you it looks for a second like he's going to bury his bald head in her breasts, but instead he's just getting low so when he hugs her he can pick her up in the air. He carries Paula out the door to the hallway where...his wife is waiting. Weirder! And then Ryan pops up in the door frame like a cartoon character and is like "he's married!" Paula gives an obligatory scandalized expression, hugs the both of them, and gives the wife a good kiss on the cheek. As she heads back to her seat, Paula tells Sgt. Steven, "Don't ever do that, you are a married man, I do not feel right about that!" You and me both, lady.
Out in the hallway, Ryan is trying to talk to the wife about how she feels to have her husband try and fuck Paula like that, but effing Sgt. Steven still has his head inside the doorway schmoozing it up with the judges. Ryan, bless him, drags him out into the hallway, saying, "Come on! Before you wear out the welcome with those guys." The wife clarifies her ends-justify-the-means stance on matters. Back inside, Paula is in a daze, and says "he can sing his butt off." Like if she can somehow convince herself of that, the stink of shame will dissipate. Ryan's voice-over brings us to the next AI motif: family. Comforting, celebratory, screechy families. We see Halicia Thompson (27, Eden NC) leading her massive family up a flight of steps, and at first she seems humorless about it all, but I'm thinking that's gotta be nerves, because when she enters the audition room, she's all smiles and energy. She gives her own personal rundown to the judges: she's the mother of an eleven-year-old, and she says she "takes care of the community," which I'm not 100% sure what that means, but it sounds exhausting. She sings the theme song to A Different World, which makes me so irrationally happy with her. It's crazy meta, with the lyrics about family standing behind her and this being a different world than where she comes from. But I was too busy thinking about Dwayne Wayne's flip-up sunglasses and whatever became of Jasmine Guy to care. She sings it well, and Simon calls her a "natural." Halicia informs Simon of her intent to kiss him, and breaks out a plastic shower cap (this show, I swear) in case Simon would rather not have his beautiful face contaminated by Halicia's lips. See, this is good flirting. Weird flirting, but good. Simon doesn't need any plastic, and she gives him a sweet kiss on the cheek. Halicia is on to Hollywood with a "hallelujah!" and then she completes this segment's trip back to 1991 with some Arsenio Hall-style dog pound barking. Outside, her family freaks the hell out, and it's awesome. It culminates with Halicia chest-bumping a decidedly larger male relative. The first chest bump yields no permanent injuries, but the second knocks Halicia straight on her ass. She does not care.
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