Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
By Joe R | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.23.2006
Which he actually does. We cut to the hallway, where Simon has Shalicia's boss on the phone. It's very cute, all of this, and it probably colors my impression of Simon for the rest of the hour. Yeah, his first concern was likely making good TV. But he's clearly enjoying playing the nice guy, for once. He calls Shalicia "absolutely appalling, but one of the best salespeople [he's] ever met." So she gets her job back, absolutely. Simon, hilarious, tells boss lady that he'll call her back. I'm so sure. Still, that was great.
Ryan introduces us to Shawna White (16, Willits CA), who drove three hours from...well I didn't know there even was a Bumfuck, California. Has TV been lying to me with its constant visions of Cali beaches and/or urban jungles? Shawna's dad is with her, and he's got the old man "rocker" look down perfectly, with the long hair and the t-shirt. I remember to thank the lord that my dad became a square when he had kids. Ryan asks Papa John White (or whatever) if he's taught Shawna everything she knows. So then, Papa John (and I swear to god I did not go looking for this) leers down at his daughter and says that "she's teaching me some things now." Ew! Man, I would not have gone to that place if the Whites hadn't dragged me kicking and screaming, but that right there was some Sweet Hereafter kind of creepy. In the audition room, safely away from the lascivious gaze of her dad, Shawna sings "There Are Worse Things I Could Do" (originally performed by Ouisa Kittredge), which is probably your best option if you're going for a Grease song. There are parts of it that are pretty good. Paula and her giant wall of hair would like to hear something more contemporary. So she sings Alicia Keyes, and to my ear it's worse than the Grease song. Paula likes it, though, and Randy is impressed that she's sixteen. Not that way, y'all. Not like her dad is. Ew. Simon says the first song was annoying, "bordering on fingernails going down a blackboard." Randy objects to that, and Paula says some bullshit about "two bars into the next song you knew she could sing," to which Simon says nothing, but gives Shawna a "no." So Randy now gets a bug up his ass and is like "Paula, what is wrong with his ears today?" Like Shawna was this clear-cut awesome singer who was not at all borderline. That's why I think the whole rest of this episode is faked up. Simon is just turning down the same kind of maybe/maybe not cases he always does. This isn't a "what's different today?" scenario, Randy. Shawna gets through anyway, because Paula and Randy are soft touches, and Randy keeps harping on Simon. Who honestly doesn't care, because, again, she's not making it past the next round anyway. But buckle up, because the rest of this episode is more of the same.
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