Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
By Joe R | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.23.2006
So she, like, skips into the audition room, singing "Oops, I Did It Again," and Paula is already like, "Here we fucking go." Randy asks her if that's the song she's doing, and Rhonetta says that was just a joke. Randy asks her what her name is, and she picks up "Oops" from where she left off. So, just to clarify, she's an asshole from minute one. Paula clearly hates her, but when Rhonetta says she's nervous, Paula is nice enough to tell her not to be. She tells Paula that, yes, she can be bigger than J-Lo or Janet. "In a way, you already are," says Simon, who refuses to see what a goldmine of insult he's found in Rhonetta and instead opts for the fat joke. The universe just opened up for you, Simon. Try something new! She sings some song I don't recognize about "sweet memories," and she's all Cathouse "sexy" and a constant threat to lift up her skirt at any and all times. Paula can't watch, which I think would be my reaction as well. Rhonetta isn't satisfied, though, and wants to pick another song. She says she's "hoarse," and that her mouth is a little dry (it's a testament to how awful she is that I totally thought she was going to go somewhere else off this comment). Paula offers her some of her "bubbly water," which in any other context would be the funniest thing about the whole segment. Next time I find myself drinking 90-proof Tanqueray, I'm going to call it "bubbly water," too. Rhonetta looks at Paula like she just scuffed up her clear heels and shakes her head at the offer. Paula's expression at that can be found on Wikipedia under the term "bitch, please." So Rhonetta sings yet another song I don't recognize, and it's more ass (figuratively...for now) and she tries to grin her way out of it. Before Simon can even get his first simile out of the gate, Rhonetta says she can do "much better than this." Simon says that "everything's gone wrong today," which I think means for him, in Greensboro on Day Two, and not for Rhonetta, for whom everything's gone wrong this lifetime. The votes go "never," "no," and "no." So Rhonetta stalks off, with the usual "your loss, I'll make it anyway" talk we've heard a million times before.Then the real "fireworks" happen. ["And this would be precisely the point where I got more jealous of you than I could ever have imagined." -- Jacob] As Rhonetta makes her endless pilgrimage from the audition room to the streets outside, she says the following direct quotes: "They turned down a superstar"; "Paula Abdul aint got shit on me, I don't know who she was standing her nose up to"; "Y'all gonna see me on TV and say, 'Damn, that's the same girl we turned away, and guess what? She hotter than the person who won American Idol. She at the top of the charts, selling more records than American Idol.' That's what they gonna be sayin' next"; "If me and Paula Abdul walk outside, nobody would even know she was a celebrity, but they would think I was a celebrity. And that's a fact." Rhonetta sings a little "Straight Up," and says she can do that shit, too. "She old as hell and she she she could never be famous. Tryin' to judge somebody." Rhonetta calls Paula's ass "old," "funky," and "played out." There's a whole lot of repetitive crap that I'm omitting here, because there's really not a ton that we haven't heard before. This isn't the first time people have gone on about how they're all that. This isn't the first time someone's talked shit about Paula. It's probably the first time someone's gone on this long about it, at least on TV. But it's just the same sour grapes, you know? Then, Rhonetta calls out Paula's offer of bubbly water! "You think I'm gonna drink off you, bitch? I know you a celebrity or whatever, you might got more money than me, but I'm not putting my lips on shit of yours. You can drink off me. Bow down, bitch. 'Cause I'm the shit." Okay, that part was a little awesome.
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