Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
By Joe R | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.23.2006
When Shawn gets into the audition, Paula carefully scans his sign, and reads aloud the part about "bringing back standards," and then you can see her actually go through the same thought process that I did about what he's actually trying to say. Naturally, I'm very concerned by my newfound mental kinship with Paula. So he sings, and it's the same old crooner bullshit without any of the intangibles. Simon makes fun of him for the tuxedo shtick, and he and Randy meet up at a "singing waiter" joke that's actually pretty on-target. Paula tries to go that same wardrobe route, but doesn't seem to get that it's not the outfit so much as the whole bullshit image he's projecting. They all say "no," and it's funny, because right when Paula gives her vote, Shawn just drops the whole act and is like "aw, come on," and looks remarkably like Ashton Kutcher for 1.5 seconds. As he's leaving, Simon tries to stick with the waiter thing and says, "But I will have a coffee." Which was harsher than it needed to be by a factor of five, and Simon immediately knows it and pulls it back, which I thought showed something. Then stupid Randy asks about the prime rib special, which at this point is both unoriginal and piling on. Stick to calling people "pitchy," Jackson.
Back out in the hallway, though, Shawn's little brother is just getting warmed up. He bitches about how the judges didn't let Shawn finish, and how they made fun of his outfit. "So what, get rid of it and they would accept him in a t-shirt and he would just tear this thing apart and they would accept him? I think it's baloney." Then: "All I have to say is that [Shawn] doesn't need American Idol. I think some day somebody in the music business is going to walk by and then give him a contract, that's what I think. Who needs American Idol?" And I think it's not so much a comment on this particular eleven-year-old, but rather how much all these grown adults who bitch about their own bad auditions sound exactly like this eleven-year-old. It's the closest this show will ever come to nuanced commentary, so we should probably recognize. And the kid said "baloney," how cute was that?
After a montage o' bad props (as opposed to…good props?), we arrive at Richard Garland (25, Mooresboro NC) who…well, sweet Jesus, he's a ventriloquist. Richard is a living embodiment of what I'm going to call the Tragedy of Ventriloquism, which takes on several forms. For one thing, Richard is kind of hot, or else he would be if I could somehow get my mind to un-hear that hellspawn voice that he throws to his dummy. Creepy beyond measure. Oh, but there is this sublime sight gag to be had with Ryan juxtaposed with the dummy, both of them being completely controlled by their masters, and both made of the same plastic materials.
In the audition room, Richard brings the dummy ("Scotty") in a box. Now, the word on the street is that Richard didn't want to bring the dummy inside the room, but he was strong-armed into it by the producers. Which is shitty and puts a whole other veil of sad over what is about to go down, but…this is why you never tell anyone you used to be a ventriloquist. Anyway. Paula starts off by asking what's in the box. Richard explains that from ages eight to fourteen, he was the kid with the dummy, and that "once I got past fourteen it was really uncool to do that, so I thought, 'Heck, I'll bring it in for Paula today.'" Which is fall-out hilarious, because that was my exact experience with Paula herself. Once past the age of fourteen, it was really uncool to own "Forever Your Girl," so I junked it. Richard gives us a little demonstration, and it is clearly freaking Paula out. She is frozen in place and her mouth barely moves when she says, "That's so freaky. And limber, too." Hee. So Richard is going to sing the song he sang to his wife on their wedding day, "Flying Without Wings." And he's great. Kind of breathy and with...what is it, vibrato? Lord knows I can't tell you. But I liked it, and he's certainly Hollywood-worthy, but he brought a ventriloquist's dummy into the audition room. You know how this is going to end. Simon and Randy think it's a good voice for a wedding, and Richard plays the beautiful bride card. Randy says yes to the dummy but no to Richard. Shut up, Randy. So he gets denied. Which is sad, but the lesson, as always, is do not allow yourself to become secondary to a gimmick. Because if you do, three people who have already become secondary to their own gimmicks will reject you.
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