Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
By Joe R | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.23.2006
The "End of Day One" montage is set to what sounds suspiciously like a "Macarena" knock-off. Lord have mercy, do not let the Pimpmercial folks get their hands on that song! The common thread here is that there are girls getting through to Hollywood, but not any guys. Or, as Ryan VOs it, "There were plenty of Fantasias, but where were the Clays?" Which gives me a vision of this American Idol theme restaurant where the women's and men's bathrooms are cutesily labeled "Fantasias" and "Clays." And for the men it would be very confusing, like what happens with a straight guy in a gay bar who has not the first clue how to negotiate the bathroom situation. "Is there a third option?" So it's this parade of sucky dudes, including a bird-like guy who just throws up his arms like "what can you do?" and this salmon-clad kid with a serious, Spaceballs-helmet-level bowl cut who sings about "why haven't I heard from you?", to which Simon reacts appropriately. So this skin-headed kid named Brandon Haithcox (23, Randleman NC) steps up to audition next, and holy shit, you guys! It's the kid who shot President Bartlet in the first season of The West Wing! He's crazy nervous (probably knows I'm on to him), and sings Uncle Kracker (sigh) with some Michael Jackson yelps in there. Simon calls him on it, and he's like, "I don't have to sing it that way," but the fact remains that he did. It's three "no" votes, and Paula throws in a "be more confident" as Brandon sulks out of the room without looking at any of them. By the elevators, Brandon and his mom -- who I swear is Beverly D'Angelo's character from American History X (it's all falling into place now) -- talk shit about AI in the usual manner. Mama D'Angelo goes on to say that if Brandon had been wearing "famous clothes," he would have made it, no question. So, what, like if he wore J-Lo's Versace dress? Jackie O's pillbox hat? How famous would the clothes have to be to get your rotten kid to Hollywood, Bev? Sorry, I just hate assassins.Ryan VOs us into our next montage: nervous people. Paula tells this one denim-intensive dude to "drop [his] nerves," which is a neat way of putting it, if very Paula. "Drop your nerves! Calm the attitude!" This one flustered woman we see is wearing some sort of jumper (?) in which the straps are question marks and in the middle it says "Hollywood," like she called up Macy Gray for fashion advice the night before. Jeffrey "Ryan" Baysden (27, Salter Path NC) is tied to this segment extremely tenuously, in that he's actually not nervous at all. From where I sit, he has accent issues, meaning it took me far longer than I should have to arrive at the conclusion that he was southern. There was some Brooklyn in there and, call me crazy, some Britain, too. Anyway, he sings "God Bless the Broken Road," and I am not liking it. He reaches all the notes but he never seems to stay there very long…I don't know. The judges think I'm an idiot, though. Simon calls him the first Ryan he's met with talent (ba-dum). Randy says he has an "Alan Jackson / Randy Travis thing" going on, which is probably true and probably why I didn't like it. Paula likes his "quiet confidence" and his "natural" quality, which is all just dancing around the fact that he is hot. He's going to Hollywood, and as he exits the room we do have a grandmother. Memo to Pa Pickler: they're not going to give up without a fight. And they will cut you.
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