Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II
By Joe R | Season 5 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.23.2006
Oh, and in the midst of Simon's sartorial recommendations to Chase, he managed to pull out the old "I'm not saying that to be rude" saw, which has become like punctuation to him. Like a comma. The show has noticed this as well, so Seacrest leads us on a montage o' "rude," to show that Randy Jackson isn't the only judge who can pound a word or phrase six inches deep into the wood. Speaking of pounded six inches deep (…oh, ew), meet Chonna Clepper (20, Quinlan TX). Chonna and Ryan engage in some scripted "banter" about how short he is, and he thinks he's average height, and Chonna miraculously seems to know what the average height is, and Ryan ain't it, and Ryan gives it a go with the deadpan Jack Benny reaction, but I ain't buying it for a second. So Chonna goes before the judges, and tells them (as if they hadn't already been pre-briefed) that her mom is a dancer. A stripper dancer. Which the judges all respect, because they saw that Metallica video that one time. Chonna is actually really sweet, I think, but the reality of the situation is that she's wearing a pink leopard print bikini, with strips of the leopard hanging down from the top and the bottom. She's basically the world's whoriest bead curtain, and that's not even getting into the black, sheer vampire cape she's wearing. So she sings a Faith Hill song called "Bring Out the Elvis," which I could have sworn was the song that Celena Rae got eliminated on last season. Except it was not Celena Rae but Lindsay Cardinale who sang it (as if there is any qualitative difference between the two). And it wasn't even this song, but something called "I Try to Think About Elvis," which is amazing to me. How many country songs can there be that use Elvis as a metaphor for sex?
She's not awful. You can see how she may have thought that she was good enough to audition for this. But Simon can't even look at her while she's singing, so that's a bad sign. Paula actually says something cool and noteworthy here, which is that Chonna has a "raw" quality to her voice that, with vocal lessons, could be cultivated into something special. That's not even cleaned up, that's what Paula said. I'd mention something about sunshine and a dog's ass, but Paula's been through enough today. It's a "no" for Chonna, but the judges are kind and tell her she's got something she can work with for the future, and she takes it well and is sweet. After she leaves, Simon tries to blame Chonna's "lingerie" on America as a whole, which I thought would elicit a smack from Paula but didn't. Probably because she was too busy crossing off "Grammy Awards dress" and writing "lingerie -- even better!" under the "Pink Leopard Print" heading on her note pad.
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