Episode Report Card Demian: A | 1 USERS: A- YOU GRADE IT Big Gay Chris Went To 2026, And All I Got Was This Lousy Headache
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 10 | Aired on 2003.11.23
As Piper's sisters snicker wickedly, her younger son lopes over with, "What are you guys talking about?" "Stuff," Phoebe lies, and trust me, doll: If there's one topic Big Gay Chris is entirely comfortable discussing, it's blowjobs. Ooops. Did I just say that out loud? The gals invite Big Chris to join them for cocktails, but he declines, citing the prep work he has yet to finish for the next vanquish. "I didn't come here to relax," he reminds them, and with that, he heads back towards the club's office. "That is one bitchy Whitelighter," Phoebe mugs, like, you're one to talk, trash. By the way, some of you might be interested to learn that the scripted version of that observation was "lonely Whitelighter." Why the change? Duh. You have been watching the show this season, right? In any event, Raige suggests Piper have a word with "the guilt machine," so my mother-in-law rolls her eyes and slides off her barstool to trail after my husband.
Back in the office, Big Gay Chris opens the door and flicks on the lights to find the lovely and talented (and seemingly ubiquitous -- she was also prominently featured in an episode of Nip/Tuck) Marisol Nichols waiting for him with a Cheshire grin on her face. Shocked, he eases the door shut behind him while breathing, "Bianca." The Trademark Without Pity goes to Deerstalker for rechristening her "LesBianca," and yes, the name fits -- partly because poor Ms. Nichols has been squeezed into a black, sleeveless PVC top with matching pants that would increase tenfold the street cred of any dyke on her bike, but also because LesBianca's presently revealed to be Big Gay Chris's "fiancée" from the future, like, nice try, guys, but forcing a saucy Latina beard on Big Gay Chris isn't going to change any minds regarding his true orientation. Especially not mine. "What are you doing here?" Big Chris whispers as LesBianca rises to place a finger on his pouty lips. "There'll be time to explain later," she coos, dragging that finger down his chest. LesBianca, incidentally, sports a red, inverted wishbone tattoo on her inner wrist. She gazes at him with moist eyes for a moment before punching her fist through his shirt and into his chest, and you'll have to look elsewhere for the fisting joke that would appear here were I really as depraved as everyone seems to think I am. The hole gouged by LesBianca's fist glows an eye-searing white as Big Chris gasps and slowly falls to his knees. Piper glides in at this point, singing, "All work and no…hey!" Heh. LesBianca rips her hand out of Big Chris's chest to conjure a Flaming Ball Of Death as Piper deploys her Hands Of Discontent. LesBianca explodes into a spray of shards that quickly vanishes, leaving behind nothing more than a wraithlike twist of smoke that disappears up through the ceiling. Big Chris drops the rest of the way to the floor, grimacing in pain. "Are you okay?" Piper asks, crossing to help him up. "Who was she?" As Big Chris rises to his feet, he looks Piper straight in the eye and lies, "I don't know."