Episode Report Card Demian: A | 210 USERS: B- YOU GRADE IT Big Gay Chris Went To 2026, And All I Got Was This Lousy Headache
By Demian | Season 6 | Episode 10 | Aired on 2003.11.23
LesBianca and Big Gay Chris emerge through the attic triquatra in the future to find themselves surrounded by a horde of "His" demonic henchmen. From the darkened depths of the attic, a male voice calls, "Welcome home, Chris." The henchdemons part to reveal the backlit form of a muscle-bound lunkhead who's sporting a long, straggly mane of hair that's desperately in need of a hot oil treatment. Mangy Jesus emerges from the shadows of the attic to glower. Chris coldly meets the glowering with a bit of his own before icily intoning, "Hello, Wyatt." DUN! Well, sort of. I mean, who didn't see that one coming? Also: Both of you boys need to cut your damn hair already. What's with that shit on your heads? And then Mangy Jesus stretched his arm into the oncoming void and said, "Let there be commercials," and there were commercials. And lo, Mangy Jesus did gaze upon the commercials and say, "For fuck's sake, would you hurry up and finish this Me-forsaken recap already? Some of Us have better things to do with Our time than sit here and plow through your tedious, incessant, senseless rambling, loser."
Present-day Manor attic. Aftermath. Phoebe flips fruitlessly through the Book for a spell that will take them into the future. "How did we do it five years ago?" Piper asks the ex. He reminds her that the ever-useless Elders were responsible for that particular jaunt across time. Wrong! Stupid Dolt. While the spells involved erased themselves after one use, the then-extant Glamorous Ladies were responsible for the trip to the future. Piper, not listening to me, instructs the now-Eldered Dolt to "make it happen." He can't, hon. See above. The Dolt wishes he could do more to help Big Gay Chris, but he just can't. "You're singing a different tune," Raige notes, only now realizing the Dolt's abandoned his Destroy Big Gay Chris At All Costs shtick from earlier in the season. "Despite all his secrets," the Dolt explains, "I still believe that he came back to protect [The Doltine Psycho], and that is enough for me to want to save him." "The question," Piper sighs, "is how." Rather fortuitously, the Dolt chooses this moment to bumble across The Conveniently Squeaky Floorboard Of Massive Contrivance. Piper leaps to her feet to stare at the thing. The ladies bang their heads together and realize LesBianca must have transported Big Chris to the future attic, and his odd statement in Carol's apartment was really a sneaky signal for them to blah blah we get it. Just scribble down a goddamned spell and shove it into the floor already.