Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | 25 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Don't Cry Out Loud
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.22.2007
Big dumb Constantine flashbacks serve as an introduction to Fania Maria Tsakalakos. She says she's twenty-six, but since she looks like a not-all-that-much-younger combination of Lorraine Bracco and Mercedes Ruehl, I'm dubious. Fania's whole gimmick is this My Big Fat Greek Idol Audition, with the frock and mandolins in the background and the silly dancing. She tells us that she danced background on the Greek Idol tour (...okay) and everyone there told her she totally would have won that show, so here she is on American Idol. Carole's like, "Let's hear it," and Fania thinks she means her sales pitch, so she starts saying something about "ethnic melodic pop rock," but Carole meant the song, so now Simon has to be rude and tell he to get on with it. Fania will be singing..."Africa," by Toto. Awesome. She even claps out the backbeat. When she opens her mouth, you kind of wish she'd kept clapping. Terrible. Shame on you, Greek Idol roadies who told her she was good. "Actually appalling," says Simon, and the dancing sucked too. Hearing the word "dance," Paula must swoop in and defend its sacred honor for a second, and the Fania is given the boot. She kind of gets the "...other door" treatment, too. And the Curse of the Constantino strikes again.
Ashanti Johnson is next, she of the beautiful curly hair and off-kilter Kangol. She's been to Hollywood twice and been rejected as many times. She says if she were telling people (say...the American viewing public) the story of her Idol experience thus far, she'd say, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it's the times [sic] of my life." Oh, we've got a drama mama here. She's writing her own story in her head. Ryan asks her why a two-time loser would want to come back. She says she's better now and stronger now... "And gosh darn it, people like you?" Ryan provides. "And gosh darn it, people like me!" Ashanti enthuses, laughing way too hard, begging someone to find her utterly delightful and captivating.
Inside, Ashanti says she's been singing, working out, "I've been eating...more than I've ever eaten, six times a day, lots of protein, lots of veggies..." Um...what?? What the hell is she talking about? Outwardly, she's not a crazy person, but in her eyes? Violent, scary need. She sings "Loving You" in a very irritating way. She's not a bad singer, but she's very fussy with the song, and the sheer amount of effort on her face is not appealing. She hits the song's signature ear-piercing high note and that wakes Randy up, but no one looks all that impressed. Simon calls it "cabaret" and "affected." Word on that last one. And here comes the neediness: "Did you want to see more energy?" she asks. "Did I engage you?" Simon calls for an up-or-down vote, and Paula and Randy pass. Carole bright-sides that Ashanti should go audition for some Broadway shows, not as a slight against Broadway, but because that's where she's best suited. Then Ashanti starts getting her drama on in earnest: She has fought! So hard! You don't understand. "How was my intonation? How was my timing? How was my pitch? Was anything wrong? What do you need to hear from me?" Ryan interrupts us for a second to tell us that "These are the Days of Our Idols..." And then the soap opera music kicks in and underscores the rest of Ashanti's whining. I'm not going to transcribe it, though I will say that Carole was right -- get this girl on a stage, begging and pleading to the back row. Her main point is that she's paid her dues and now all that's left is to see if the American public will respond to her. It's not an unreasonable request, but it's an unrealistic one when you've already been rejected. Alternate channels, Ashanti. And stop begging, it makes you look pathetic. "If America saw me, they would love me!" she pleads. Simon points out that Randy, Paula, and Carole -- Americans, all -- didn't like her, so... And then she starts singing a different song, unprompted, and I've said how much that annoys me. The tinkly piano returns as she says her goodbyes and begs once more for another chance. "Get over it" is Simon's final word, and I'll leave it at that.
Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21Next