Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | 25 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Don't Cry Out Loud
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.22.2007
Day Two begins with more crowds of people, including some girl singing "Since U Been Gone" in line who gets dismissed by Ryan's bitchy voice-over. The judges arrive, with Randy in a rather loud salmon shirt, Paula with her boobs a-jigglin', and Carole still looking like she just stepped off the Carrington estate. But where's Simon? Ryan explains that Day One "took a toll" on our pal Simon, and he woke up with a "singing hangover." So he went on a bender? If so, that was one shitty euphemism, Seacrest. So they're going sans Cowell for the moment, which should be very interesting, in a power vacuum sort of way.
First up is Jenry (pronounced "Henry") Bejerano. And before anyone goes too far in describing how unbelievably handsome he is, know that the boy is sixteen years old. Jenry was adopted by his Bolivian parents at age 1, and he's very close with his mother, who was the one who encouraged him to be on the show in the first place. They're both lovely people, and like any good boy with a good mama, Jenry is polite and on his best behavior. He and the judges have some friendly banter, and he sings a song called "I'd Give Anything To Fall In Love." He's wonderful, thank God, and when he's done, Paula gets a highly inappropriate look on her face. She manages to compliment his voice before telling him he's "easy on the eyes." Carole finds him "charismatic," and Randy agrees with "the girls." "The girls"? Carole Bayer Sager hasn't been a "girl" since Burt Bacharach was in college. Which is to say, the Roaring Twenties at least. Randy weirdly emphasizes that Jenry "stay humble," and then all the judges say "yes," and Jenry's on to Jollywood. He almost walks out the door with his golden ticket, and Randy's like, "You need your ticket!" like it's his boarding pass or something. Like it wasn't just run off at Kinko's that morning.
Nakia Claiborne is very excited to be here. You should know that up front. She bounces around whenever there's a camera on her, and probably whenever there isn't a camera on her too. She says people call her "Little Shirley" because she sounds like "the legendary Shirley Caesar." I...don't know who that is. Should I? Do I get my license to recap fake music shows revoked by saying that? She's kind of squatty, our Nakia, but her enthusiasm is infectious, or would be if I weren't turning the corner onto hour three of the recap. She comes bounding into the audition room, and she can't keep the laughter out of her voice as she tells Carole it's been a "blast" today. She can't wait! "Well," says Carole, "what can't you wait for?" I've noticed a couple times that Carole asks these leading questions that she hopes the auditioneer will choose to answer with the title of the song they're singing. Like if she asked you, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall," she wouldn't want to hear, "Practice, practice, practice." She'd want to hear, "By singing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow.'" But Nakia says she can't wait to go to Hollywood, though she allows that she may be putting the cart before the horse. So the judges are like, "No, what are you singing? And get on with it, kind of." She sings "Dancing in the Streets," and on a second viewing, you can tell that she's running on the fumes of enthusiasm, but she gets all three judges dancing in their chairs. Nakia is proclaimed "fun" and "infectious," but Paula asks to hear a song where she can take it down a notch or four. Nakia opts for Selena's "Dreaming," which was obviously on the show's list of approved songs or whatever, because it's all over the place tonight. The song exposes every one of the flaws in Nakia's game, and all at once you realize she's toast, and it's sad. Paula tells her she needs "a lot of work," and that's true. Carole gets to the point, that the first song was so upbeat and fun that the judges "didn't care that there were flaws," but she got exposed badly on that second song. All three judges vote "no," and Nakia starts slowly walking out. As she hits the door, she turns back and says she's got a lot of people counting on her to make it. "I can't let 'em down." The judges are bereft, and here's where Simon Cowell is essential, because he would be able to say that one thing that would get Nakia out of there before she really started begging, like she is now. Yeah, Simon was there for Ashanti's beg-fest, but I bet you there would be many, many more of those if he weren't around to cut people down where they stand. And that's my justification for Simon being mean. He embarrasses you so you'll stop doing it to yourself. It's a public service, really. Outside, Nakia's mom is really great and says it's okay, they'll just go back to Virginia and keep trying.
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