Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | 25 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Don't Cry Out Loud
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.22.2007
The judges arrive for Day Two with their usual sense of dread. Notable: Paula Abdul seems to have fashioned a giant brass heart, put it on a chain, and is now wearing it as a choker. Did she make that in her metalworking class at rehab? Then, lots of old men start hugging Paula for no particular reason except that, as Tennessee Williams taught us, the South has a soft spot in their hearts for boozy, mentally ill women. These copious amounts of Paula love lead us up to the night's most unfortunate auditioneer, Topher McCain. Topher's a big dude, which is part of it, but he's also an oversharer and kind of wallowing in his own patheticness right now. The following is what he reveals to a national television audience, of his own free will: he's 28; he finds Paula Abdul to be "hot"; his wife left him, after she cheated on him; he decided to take her back, but she kind of didn't want to give up the umpteen other guys she was fucking on the side, so they're split up; and he wants to audition for Idol so his wife will want to come crawling back to him and he can shove it back in her face, and also so that he can Paula Abdul can start dating. Nobody hypnotized him to extract that information -- that's all Topher. It kind of fucks with your desire to feel bad for him when the time comes.
Inside, Paula commandeers the pre-song discussion, so we can all witness the blinding sexual tension, until Simon interjects, "So Topher, it says here your wife left you." Paula and Randy clutch their pearls (or giant brass heart chokers, as the case may be) and are shocked that Simon would be so rude, except that's the only reason Topher's here so whatever. Topher calls his ex a "bitch," which was hopefully cathartic for him. "There's a lot of women out there," says Randy. "There's one right there," creeps Topher, pointing at Paula. "I'd stay single," says Simon, into his call sheet, which earns him a purple nurple from Paula. That was cute. Anyway, Topher attempts to sing "Footloose" and it's a travesty, of course. Once it's done, Simon says he's "tempted to ask whether you sang that the night before your wife left." Watching the show Tuesday night, the viewing party here was aghast at that line, and it is pretty harsh, but again: he drove all the way from Georgia to call his ex-wife a bitch. The comment was not exactly out of bounds. Simon compares it to the warblings of a drunk at a wedding. Of course, by Simon's standards, that means Topher could win this whole thing. "Bad karaoke," says Randy. Topher looks crestfallen, and Simon asks if he's upset. "It's all good," says Topher. "I still love the show..." "And you got to call your ex-wife a bitch on national TV," says Simon, getting right to the heart of it. Randy and Paula "ooh" and "ahh," but Topher never contradicts this as his motive. Simon assures him that that was most definitely a compliment, and I believe that.
Back outside, Topher sad-sacks it up like it's never been sad-sacked before. Like he didn't think he was going to be rejected? It really starts to seem like this was the plan all along -- go on TV, call the ex a bitch, get harshed upon by the judges (even though that part went kind of awry when they were more or less cool to him) and then play that sympathy card for all it's worth in the aftermath. To wit: "Paula, you were great...looking. But that's it, I'm sorry. Just great-looking." Which is, like, straight out of that scene in Beautiful Girls where Lauren Holly gets told off by the fat kid at the reunion. What did Paula ever do to Topher? Nothing, is what. I kind of want to cheat on him, at this point. Grow up, Topher.
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