Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | 25 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Don't Cry Out Loud
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.22.2007
Clifton Biddle is playing his harmonica on a pier somewhere, and then he's...in a restaurant? I have no idea where any of this is. Clifton is from "Newcastle, Delaware" and tells us he's just an "average Joe." The first time I saw this, it took me a while to realize that Clifton's kind of slow, but on second viewing, it's pretty apparent. He actually seems like he's on the aggressive ADD side of things, which I cleverly surmised after watching him make loud beep-boop sounds and say he always wants to be the center of attention. How do I do it? He says other people in his life kept telling him to audition (ass-holes), so here he is. Inside, his Adderall seems to have kicked in, because he's not beep-booping to the judges. He tells them about how he works at a bank, and the people there are so funny that he feels like he's already on a reality show. The judges, Simon especially, for some reason laugh their asses off at this. I mean, it's funny, but...weird. He's just clearly off-kilter. He sings "Tush" by ZZ Top, which is one of those songs that reminds me of Dazed and Confused even if I'm not 100% sure it was in Dazed and Confused. ["It was, and me too." -- Sars] Clifton sings it as "touch" rather than "tush," which is funny. There, I laughed at your joke audition, Idol. Happy? He plays the harmonica and the judges are either patronizing (Randy) or dismissive (Simon), and Clifton is dismissed. He takes it like a gentleman, though, saying he got "shot down like an F-150."
Montage O' Single-Gendered Failure. It's "Guys" this time who are collectively sucky. One of them's a guy in a space suit, which elicits an "Oh, come on" from Carole, who maybe should have watched the show before agreeing to be on it. There's a guy with hair colored along the blue-green spectrum whose voice cracks, and also a Timothy Spall-looking guy who sings Selena's "Dreaming" in perma-falsetto. Simon and Randy crack up, while Paula and Carole call them assholes.
Kia Thornton is the "last" audition of day one, and take as many grains of salt as you need to with that statement. Kia's very excited to be there and greets all the judges by name, including "Carole...right?" Hee hee. Her song is "Ain't No Way" by Aretha Franklin, and she leaves Simon at what, for him, passes for a loss for words. "Wow," he says, "this girl can sing." Her hands fly up to her face and she starts to cry. "You didn't need me to tell you that," he smiles. "I agree with everything you say on the show, all the time," she says. "No, seriously!" Love her. Simon wasn't entirely wild about the song, but "songs are simple, voices are not." Kia starts to cry and then she breathlessly squeaks, "Paula, Randy, Carole??" Carole cautions against oversinging, Paula does the same and busts out the first "that's your magic" of the season, and Randy of course defends the Altar of Aretha against all challengers with a "make it your own," but all three eagerly vote "yes." Outside, Ryan gets attacked by a screaming and crying Kia, who drops to her knees and hugs the tiny emcee, who calls her the best of the day. "One problem," says Simon from inside the room. "No emotion."
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