Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | 25 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Don't Cry Out Loud
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.22.2007
We return from commercials to the sight of Ryan Seacrest taking part in some sort of rhythmic dancing ritual, with one of those gourd-shaped maraca thingies...I don't know. My neighborhood's idea of rhythmic dancing rituals involved standing perfectly straight while your legs flailed about as if independent from your body (thanks, Chandler). Man, not to steal Jacob's line or anything, but Ryan's looking good today. He kicks it to this week's Great Montage O' Suck, set to the tune of Lionel Richie's "All Night Long." See, because it's the "City That Never Sleeps." We see all the rejects from earlier tonight -- "New Yor, New Yor" guy, Lorraine Braccopolous, some angry kid dressed up literally like Alvin from Alvin and the Chipmunks, a guy who does a Kermit voice, a boy dressed like Dorothy (of course), fucking Ian, crazy Sarah Goldberg, celebutante Amanda (uh-oh, thrown in with the losers?), spacesuit guy, and then some bespectacled doof who can't remember "All Night Long" and instead opts for some "Dancin' On the Ceiling." Neeeeeext?
Christopher Richardson, 22, is in his best fratty casual: cargo shorts, t-shirt, brush cut, three-day growth. Very cute. He's going to be singing "a Leon Russell song interpretated [sic] by Donny Hathaway, 'A Song For You.'" You may remember that Elliott sang that song at some point last year, which means Chris doesn't know it yet, but he's already pissed off all the wrong people. There's a lot of that vibrato thing that everybody seems to hate, and it's very, very not like Elliott. For one thing, I'm awake. He sounds nervous and hurried, but he also sounds like he can sell a song with the whole package: voice, face, emotions. To wit, Randy makes a few comparisons to Justin Timberlake, who represents a kind of holy grail for the kind of male singer Simon would like this show to produce. Not that I blame him in the slightest for that. Carole, Randy, and Paula all vote yes, as does Simon, who thinks Chris can do better and "surprise us" in the next round. Here's hoping. After he exits to his loving mom and loud dad, Paula says, "The girls are gonna love him." Cut to a shot of three girls running up and hugging him, crowding each other out to the point where Chris has to actually move two aside to accommodate the third. Hee. Man, I can actually feel people hating him.
One final Montage O' Suck (theme: Christ, these people suck) leads us to Nicholas Pedro, who went to Hollywood last year, forgot his lyrics, and, per Ryan, quit the show. Nicholas would rather frame it as "bowed out honorably," but come on, they show us the footage: he spectacularly crumbles under the weight of the lyrics to "Build Me Up Buttercup" and then, rather than get cut, he "bows out." Last year, Paula looked shocked, but seriously? Come on. On the other hand, Nicholas looks like it's been bugging the hell out of him for a whole year, so he's back to try this again. He says last year, he was an account executive full-time and a singer on the side. This year, he's a singer, first and foremost. So...he quit his job? Awesome. He really better remember his words this time. His audition song is "Fly Me To The Moon," and he blessedly does not go for the faux-Rat Pack affectation. He's really breathy, and I don't think he's a finalist or anything, but good enough for Hollywood? Again? Hey, why not? The judges pass him on. Somewhere in the world, Ashanti Johnson just collapsed into a puddle of her own glycerin tears. Paula seems to have adopted Nicholas as her personal object of desire. He even drives her to rhyme: "I loved your voice before and I love it even more." Oh, Paula. I love your crazy ass, now go down another glass.
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