Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | 25 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Don't Cry Out Loud
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.22.2007
Ryan then introduces us to a "Memphis belle," Janita Burks. Janita is sporting a black halter dress that is basically a bikini top attached to a skirt with hooks and wires and this big brass ring. Lady needs a bra so bad. She tells us her style is very important to her, it "works in with my confidentiality." Hee. And [sic]. She believes in "dressing sexy but not too over the top," and thinks the judges will find her to be "innocent, well put together, conservative [!!], and very sexy. Very sexy." She's almost exactly like this woman who was on the Tyra Banks Show several weeks ago, for this episode about how women are bitches and will assume the worst about you based on how you dress. Essentially. And then Tyra got to tell everyone how to be better people and not judge other women but also got to tell the women on the stage to stop dressing like a bunch of hooches at work. Fuckin' Tyra. But anyway, this one woman dressed like a stripper but was really an EMT (seriously, that whole show was nothing but EMTs and librarians who dressed like strippers), and she described herself as an "EMT, a mother, and a full-time sexy dresser." Janita? Is a full-time sexy dresser.
Inside, the judges are all snickering at the excessive breastage, and when she tells them she's singing "Disco Inferno," that's apparently their cue to bust out a little more. There's a lot of floppy movement on Janita's part, which has Paula very nervous on her behalf, to the point where she's pulling her own blouse closed around her chin, in the vain hope that Janita might catch on. Unfortunately, Janita's got no material to work with, so to speak. So she's just bouncing around, free as you please. Simon eventually stops her and says, "You are a handful," and then pauses so the entire viewing audience can add, "or two." He then tells "Janice" (heh) that it was an "odd audition," and the judges begin the rejection process when again we get a request for a second song. What the hell, Memphis? Show some self-respect. Janita screeches out the first note of Song #2 and stops herself, because even she can tell that's bad. She false-starts a few more times, "Sweet Jesus"-ing to herself and being rather likeable. But then it's back to the same old, and the judges have to cut her off. Janita exits, hopefully to find some support, in every sense of the word.
Next up, we see what looks to be the lost member of the Black Crowes who defected to Cuba several years ago. He's got very long Bo Bice hair, a Tom-Hanks-in-Cast Away beard, and is dressed up in fatigues a la El Comandante. When we hear him speak, it's not the crazy person we expect to hear. Instead, soft-spoken Sean Michel tells us he's from Bryant, Arkansas, and that people often tell him he looks like "Osama Bin Laden, or Jesus, or Castro...or just a homeless bum." He seems so nice, I'm even going to let him get away with his "in a way, I think we're all homeless" spiel. That's a lot of slack, people. He very humbly presents himself to the judges and then breaks into a Johnny Cash song called "God's Gonna Cut You Down," and the performance is straight outta the church. And it's weird, because the song says "Jesus" and the face says "Castro," but the voice sounds very current and almost...can I compare a hippie to Justin Timberlake without getting spit at? He doesn't sound like Justin so much as he sounds like he could be a contemporary -- I could see him winning this show and releasing a pop record without the cognitive dissonance being too extreme. Paula says Sean was "soulful" and not what the judges expected. "...We expected a song about a revolution," Simon fills in. Heh. They all have a good laugh at that. Simon says yes. Paula does this flippy thing with her hand and brightly says "yes!" She's very with-it, today, and much as I love drunk, woozy Paula, it's good to see her pull it together every once in a while. Randy screams at Sean about how it doesn't matter what he looks like, because he's going to Hollywood. Sean is just as polite and happy as can be and he takes his golden ticket and, in his interview, holds it aloft with a Molly Shannon "Superstar!" So at least we know he owns a TV.
Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21Next