Episode Report Card Joe R: B- | 25 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Don't Cry Out Loud
By Joe R | Season 6 | Episode 3 | Aired on 01.22.2007
Ryan prepares the next segment by listing the different ways you might prepare for an Idol audition. "Our next contestant," he says, "went to boot camp." The Rocky music is kind of out of place in Queens, but that's where we are. Porcelana Petino represents Queens, you see. She's shown jogging around town, constantly, and she tells us she's lost 15-20 pounds. She looks like Emilie de Ravin got cast in a movie about a girl boxer. And then that girl boxer went on to become a backup dancer in Britney's "I'm A Slave 4 U" video: low-rise jeans, tight belly shirt, bracelets all the way up her arms like a gypsy, dirty hair, wild mascara. That's the look as she enters the audition room. Paula goes, "Hotchee-cha-cha," in order to convey just how trampy she thinks Porcelana looks, and then Porcelana looks right at the judges and says, "I worked hard for this," and it shuts them all right up. Goddamn right, girl. Simon says she's got a "chiseled body," and it's not even creepy. She talks of her training regimen some more, until Carole asks if she's been working on her singing as much as on her body. She says she has. She sings a Mary J. Blige song, and...it's weird to say, because she's not a singer, but she sounds like if Ellen Barkin were a wildly successful R&B singer. Maybe that's just the face. She's intense and kind of ghetto, in a good way, and she's got Carole making these weird "sing it, baby" sounds from the table. The judges all seem surprised that this good thing came in such a skanky package, and then all of Porcelana's cool bravado goes away and she's reduced to this "Really? You really like me?" stuff that kind of ruins what we saw earlier. Be a badass, come on! Instead, she gets in on a group hug with the non-Simon judges, though I think Simon likes her just fine. He's just grumpy with the other judges for any number of reasons, or none at all. Outside, Porcelana hugs her just-like-you-pictured-him boyfriend. I really hope he's a holdover from her cherubic days, because that's a happy ending for everyone.
Montage O' Simon Can't Remember Anyone's Name: it's funny, because Simon really can't remember anyone's names, ever. But in this montage, it manifests itself as this thing where Simon can't remember black people's names, or Hispanic people's names, or African people's names, so it's kind of depressingly racist. I hate when good, lighthearted fun becomes depressingly racist. There are clips from all the audition cities, which means we get to see Olivia Newton-John pop up out of nowhere, just in time to witness Simon step way across the line by calling this Asian-American girl "Pong" instead of "Fong," and then actually say, "Ping, Pong, whatever your name is..." Hopefully Olivia went all Xanadu and roller-skated all over his face for that one.
Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21Next