Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
Speaking of cute. Meet Zachary Smits (17, Hudson WI), who says very earnestly that "I'm In The Mood For Love" is one of the best love songs EVER and it's going to be awesome to sing it to Paula! Finally! I think that Mr. Smits is one of those hot nerds you remember from high school where it takes you a second to realize that he is actually not hot/dumb but a dork, accidentally hot, and you have to quickly change gears. And this is not a generalization, but of the five guys I've met from Wisconsin, Mr. Smits is not exactly a radical departure. After he gets through and comes out, even Ryan will not be able to peel away from this kid. He's very, very charismatic. Like, watch: now sadly, he sings the awesome love song with that weird Rat Pack speech impediment thing, like, "I'm inda mooood foh lovv," that I absolutely despise. However, he is beautiful and clearly very, very nice, and I give him a pass on the pretense because he is 17. Paula's face goes absolutely slack like she's going Emily Rose, or maybe she's peeing, but he keeps singing. Paula's tongue goes crazy in her mouth. This is like L.I.E.. When he's done singing, the first thing Randy does is remind Paula that the kid is 17, and she chills kinda, but babbles more intensely than she would if it were somebody else standing there. Simon smelled the money when the kid came in, and is like, "You're charming as fuck, kid, and that always trumps crappy singing, but I'm going to fake a no." Paula defends his cheesy vocalization the dumbest, wrongest possible way, saying that it's "unique," when that's the opposite of what it is, and then they put him through. As he leaves, overjoyed, Paula, desperate to retain their connection, babble-shrieks, "You know what you've gotta do now?" Anything to continue the conversation. And this is where Zach is awesome: barely turning back, he goes, "Yep!"
Jessica Nelson (18, Peotone IL) is a no-account blonde with the beautiful eyes of my current stepmother, like exactly, and everything else is wrong. She's that slow-eyed kind of country angry that says bad things about your mom's boyfriends, and she sings terribly, and she has chosen a very dirty song that is, I think, in praise of the love of a black man. Am I drawing you a picture? Simon calls it a "right mess" and she leaves, yelling hilarious and profanity-laden bullshit to the skies. Like a beautiful symphony, a hardcore hater girl mixes in with Jessica, the two of them like different parts of a theme about being an asshole. Hater Girl talks about how badly the show sucks, how the Final 12 have sucked each year because America doesn't get to vote for who they are, how much Carrie Underwood sucks, how the entire system is fucked because we don't get to vote in the Hollywood round, but doesn't notice how this would help her not at all. Another girl comes out of the audition room waving a golden ticket six inches from the Hater Girl, and everybody in the room simultaneously realizes something awesome is about to happen.
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