Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
Whoa. Okay. Combine Adam Pratt and Gabriel Koerner, shrink the result, and you have Kevin Brenneman (21, Cuyahoga Falls OH). Needless to say, I am utterly smitten. Since we last spoke, I took over as the Battlestar Galactica recapper, and yeah, it's the best show on television and I love it, and the fans, and I love writing about a show I love, but the honest real truth is that I only took the job because it gets me one step closer to Gabriel Koerner. Life is a both a chess game and a highway, people. Kevin attempts "The Wait," by The Band, and it is terrible. Terrible, terrible. I love him so much and he is wearing a tangerine polo under a stripy coral t-shirt. It goes on and on and he's singing his ass off and the judges just look at him like he's killing them. They really should have stopped him sooner, but I want to marry him on top of a mountain, so I don't mind. Simon calls him a tiny "buzzy energetic thing" and compares him to a wasp, and then Simon and Paula do their whole bullshit Rugrats deal from last year, and it makes just as much sense, which is none, and is just as funny, which is a negative amount. Basically, Paula says he has a good voice for voice acting and the like, funny voice-overs, and Simon translates this to her calling him a rat, and it's maybe even stupider than last year, and Kevin almost cries and I nearly Hulk out, all, "Jacob fix it!" Paula loses her word control for the largest time so far: "You know what Simon I'm going to just try to shut your mouth right now." Having said her piece, she then...stares into space for an unlimited time. It was like the season hadn't really started until this happened. Hi, Paula! Hi, Paula's Crazy! Kevin leaves, and even Simon is chastened by his sad little face. That's pathos, dude.
Charles Berry (23, Darby PA) went to two auditions last year...and that's all you need to know, you know? But he continues, saying that he's learned from the judges' comments and is following their tips for this year. They seem to recognize him, and Paula remarks on his very smashing outfit. Then he screws it all up by singing a song of his own horrible invention about being the American Idol which is terrible both in concept and execution, sounding like an alternate National Anthem, only about the show, and sung by your mom. Randy's like, "Doesn't get any worse than that," and Simon advises him to shave his beard, put on a dress, and become the best female impersonator the world has ever seen. Paula interprets that Simon's saying Charles "should be a woman," which is not what he was saying at all, and Charles starts crying and leaves. Paula calls Simon an ass as Ryan is wrapping himself around Charles outside and trying to Horse Whisper him. Charles shrugs off the Seacrest love and runs outside, talking on the phone about how he has been humiliated. It's pretty sad. I don't guess we'll be seeing him next year.
Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24Next