Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
Randy opens with the usual question, "Tell us something interesting about yourself." Simon's like, "Really?" Zachary offers that he is a "very talented person" and that "people" often "confuse [him] for a girl," which makes him "just laugh [his] butt off." He describes various bathroom incidents of confusion, and smiles hugely. Randy: "Wow. So what are you going to sing?" Zachary will be singing a Whitney Houston song called "Queen Of The Night." Randy: "Wow. Okay." Zachary then sings this song, and nobody can really look at the stage, because it's hard to look when somebody showing you all their stuff at once. The singing is terrible, the moves are bizarre. When he's done, Randy notes the "interesting lyrics" of the song, and Simon simply calls the whole thing "atrocious" and "confused." Zachary thinks he did "awesome." Paula loves his self-confidence -- and at this point, so did I -- but explains the "reality," which is that "the voice isn't up to par." When Paula Abdul feels moved to explain reality to you, that's a sign.
The Boy George version of "The Crying Game" starts to play, and it's for nasty reasons, but if you've seen the movie, it's not entirely inappropriate. Mom's white lipstick says, "He's eccentric, very...he puts it out there for anybody to see, and [is] totally fine with anybody's reaction." He comes out crying and is hugged by Mom, Grandma, and his girlfriend or social worker. Walking away, and this is where he loses me, he gives the following camera speech: "American Idol fits America, and America is prejudiced and racist and...I think it's totally prejudiced to not accept someone because someone's a boy, and they're singing girl songs, and they don't fit the song, and the vocal range of the girl...I think that's total prejudice. I'm surprised that Paula said I suck...and Randy was just trying to make it all right...fuck America...I guess they can't handle it. It just shows their own ignorance, and stuff, and...I don't know."
One: Simon Cowell is not American, but he is a capitalist, and you are not on the demand curve at any point right now. Also, you cannot sing. Two: America is prejudiced and racist, and that's awful, but neither of those have to do with this situation, except in the most distant way, and frankly, linking them to everyone else's inability to take part in your drama is a little bit insulting to people without options. Three: Singing a "girl" song was not the problem, and neither was transposing the song for your voice. You cannot sing, no matter in what key the song might be. Four: Even if that were true, that is not "prejudice." It is "music." Five: Paula did not say you suck, she said you rule, but have a bad voice. Which you do, and which you do. Six: Randy was treading a very fine line of being condescending, and was being a good bloke, but he was no more interested in you than Simon was. Seven: Saying "Fuck America" is incredibly stupid, and will get you beat up. Yes, America is not ready for you. But you, my friend, don't seem to be ready for America, so it's a stalemate. Eight: there's institutionalized ignorance, racism and homophobia and non-standard gender issues, and they're related, but you seem to think that this is related to your bad singing. It's not. That's a fight for another day. Today, you lost mostly because you couldn't sing, frankly. And trust me, I want you to be very, very happy, and seeing the path you're on scares the hell out of me, but I also know that being this resistant to the fact of other people is a good way to make yourself crazy and very, very unhappy.
You can own the room and get respect for yourself, but this guerilla-attack "What do you mean? Of course I'm a guy! You should know that despite my many, many efforts to persuade you of the contrary!" crap is not going to fly, because for you to be happy, you need to accept not only yourself, but everybody else too. It's this vague appeal to "everybody sucks in the entire country except me" defense that killed my sympathy, because 18 is too old for that shit. There comes a point where the various spheres of baggage, identity and gender, and sexuality and clothing and the rest of it, though they overlap over a good deal of the map, do not cover the map. It's too easy to apply this poorly thought-out complaint to absolutely everything: bad grades? Prejudice. Tax audit? Prejudice. Car accident? Prejudice. And yeah, a lot of times this will play into it, I'm not blind to that. But there's an easy fix, or at least a way to soften the blow. You can be yourself and play the game at the same time, at no cost to your soul. It's not an all-or-nothing game, but it is one that demands you participate in some way. Choose happiness, please. It's your duty to yourself, as a living person.
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