Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
The very appealing Simmons twins (16 going on 25, Inkster MI) enter happily, wearing polos and being utterly charming. They do a double act with "Superstar," and chatter twinly about how it's going to go down. Joshua, in the brown, starts first, and it's very beautiful but a little tricksy. Jarrett, in the black with the tie, is...identical to the other one. Twins, you know. They walk up and take Paula's hands, and then both of them sing and their harmonies are very different from the other twins, but nice. Joshua's harmonies are beautiful, and his higher range is very sweet. Paula admits that the whole thing was corny to start, but got cool -- I think they got her at the same point they got me, which was towards the end. ["Yeah, it started off creepy, but then it…shifted, kind of." -- Sars] Simon's iffy about this, because of the twin thing, but Randy and Paula are both full-on into it. He shrugs and they usher the boys to Hollywood, Paula making a point of congratulating them on...being 16, basically.
There is bad singing by several people and the judges are exhausted, but then something stupid happens. David Hoover (28, Wexford PA) enters the picture. He's the only Pennsylvania person I've not liked, in this life. He explains to Ryan that he can speak to animals, and that they have "cartoonish" voices, and that this started when he was 16. (Anna: "But my psychotic break was not to be diagnosed for another two years.") Ryan is surprised by David's ability to speak to animals. David is not wearing shoes. This is because he did not like his sandals. Actual crazy people, guys. Come on with this crap. He enters the audition room screaming and hopping and yelping and wiggling and dancing around like a fool. He sings an original "song," and his voice may or may not be good, although it is somewhat lazy and nervous, and the song may be boring, but the actual problem is that his ass is crazy.
As he sings, his eyeballs roll around like in Equus and he stomps and his eyes roll back and his body shakes and he yowls and peels his lips back like the guy from Toad The Wet Sprocket and Randy makes the sign of the cross and Randy and Paula wobble around like he's going to start shooting pieces of crazy at them, and he nearly falls to his knees a couple of times, and his hands go all Leonardo in Gilbert Grape and his fingers pluck, pluck, pluck at his clothing, and his grin is shifty and fleeting, and it is an absolute nightmare. I think the lights actually go dim in the room at one point. Finally, he finishes, and Simon's like, "Catchy." Randy, of course, laughs, because what the hell are you going to do. David continues to writhe and jump and wriggle around silently, which is somehow worse, throughout the whole conversation, occasionally breaking into yelps and dog-barks. It's funnier than you'd think, but not at all as funny as it needs to be for this to work. Fuck homophobia, sure, but whatever the hell you call this bothers me more. Simon basically asks him what the hell he's thinking is going to happen, and he barks, and Paula's got this sympathetic bouncing crazy thing happening, like they are in synch, and Randy says he'll put him through if he'll talk to the animals for them. Simon: "Categorically never." Paula continues to weave and dodge and wiggle. David Hoover is kinetic. "For reasons of my own," Paula drawls, "yes." (Too easy, that joke. Let it slide, dude.) Simon is appalled. David screams and bounces and acts crazy and Simon, finally, throws him out. The crew and Simon make fun of Paula for putting him through. Outside he screams and howls. It's so fucking tiresome. Plus, plus the fact that you're not just punishing your future selves by sending him to meet you later, but also an entire plane full of innocent people. That's verging on evil. Then, in antidote to this bad, bad call on every level, there's a preview of the upcoming terrible montage of people singing "Lady Marmalade," which is comedy in the making and a welcome tonic. There's a guy with a lisp like Poet, the guy in the dress with the legs, and hot mess Crystal, and that's just for starters.
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