Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
Wednesday
Ryan welcomes us to Denver, the Mile High City, and it's boring, and this guy raps like Micromachines, and a group of hundreds sings "Ain't No Mountain" and it's really pretty nice, it's a good mix, and this guy explains...something...who cares. Neither you nor I care. Let's get it GOING. A child whistles shrilly. Everyone's stressed out. Some guy on an escalator is excited on the escalator, then on camera. He's really, really excited, and you could tell that even if he didn't keep saying it over and over. Meet Marlows Davis, Jr. (16, Denver), who compares himself to Usher, only more excited. He's a natural. He is more boring than you can imagine. He's going to be singing "Fallin'," just for, you know, the "voice" song. Then there will be dancing, in case this show has secretly changed to a dance competition. He sings badly and wiggles these spirit fingers that Randy copies confusedly, and there is much drama all around, and lots of bad singing that is so earnest and 16 years old in every way that it's pretty lovable. Finally, Simon can take no more, and Paula and Ryan just chuckle about how weird it was. I don't even know what that word means anymore. "Weird" is the new "awesome." They try to convey his suckiness but he's not really getting it. "I don't think you're cut out for singing, dude," says Randy. He starts to beg like a little kid, like a third grader, all, "I came a long way!" Where did you come from again? "Denver Colorado!" Oh, okay then. They just laugh at him now, and Randy's like, "Dude, you can't sing." At least he doesn't cry. I hate it when they cry, and not in a sympathetic way at the moment, but in a way where showing weakness gets you a trip to the hot box. I don't even care right now.
Tiffany Christensen (25, Clinton UT) has those R. Crumb tree-trunk legs and red cowboy boots, is missing a sleeve from her t-shirt, and has flat-ironed hair going every which way. She sings that she is "here for the party" with a lot of yelling and weird faces and screaming at the top of her lungs, then simulates intercourse. Per Simon, "This is all going horribly wrong." Olivia Dudley (20, Arvada CO) sings "Straight Up" terribly, while wearing a multitude of black and white pieces of wear apparel. Paula: "Uh uh, no, honey." David Horning (27, Colorado Springs CO) reminds me, I was going to tell you about this movie I want to write, called Brokeback Palace, about a couple of stoner drug mules who go to Thai prison and fall in total gay love. Like Dude, Where's My Car, but even gayer. So far, financing is not going well. Now, Colorado Springs is gorgeous, a gorgeous place. But the rule is that where beautiful vistas are to be found, so too there are to be found dim-witted pot smokers. Oregon, Hawaii, the Land of Enchantment, Colorado. One of these is David Horning. He sings a song that goes: "Run with me...let's run...run with me...run with me," with a good second or more of just blank space between each line. David has a soul patch and a U.S. flag doo-rag. I think Crystal Parizanski has robbed me of something precious. I'm going to drink some coffee or something.
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