Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
Now there's Yuliya Matus (24, Ukraine via Naperville IL), who is fantastic to look at. Fur collar and cuffs, fake blue contacts, black-and-white static sweater, aqua blue fedora, gigantic sunglasses. She looks like the reality of those sexy ladies James Bond is always running into. She looks like a H&M ad dipped in LSD. And she acts like it too. She explains very seriously that she needs to get on the show to keep her VISA, and she tells you this like she's leveling with you. Like she wants to sell you some watches.
Jacob: "My pimp says he'll match funds for my IRA but I need some money for gambling first because I am into him for a cool thou."
Anna: "My whole day has been like this. I'm not gonna lie to you…"
Jacob: "Look, I'm not going to lie to you. My church bus just broke down."
Anna: "Look, my friend in Montecito got pregnant by a Gamma and I had to pay to take care of it."
Jacob: "Winona Ryder lent me her gas card and I really need a hot dog. Can I pump your gas on my card?"
Anna: "Have you ever heard of the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints? Because they are after me."
Jacob: "I must liquidate my assets!"
Anna: "I need you to hold this money for me in your bank account!"
Jacob: "She's a Concealed Russian Lady! She emailed me!"
Anna: "She is concealed in awesomeness."
Yuliya sings "Bohemian Rhapsody" like she's the missing Pussycat Doll, and it's totally freaky, although her voice is a stitch prettier -- and higher -- than previous exploited contestants in her demographic, and her accent is kick-ass. Her dancing is weird and freaky and bad and pornographically unoriginal. She wipes a fake tear, then flashes her crotch. She shakes one single breast like Shakira as Paula gets so bored and freaked out that she starts spinning around and around in her chair. For once I'm glad they're showing the whole thing. Yuliya simulates sexual congress and Paula starts stripping and throwing her clothes around. Yuliya drops to her knees, making the judges all jump, then flashes her fanny again, grinning insanely while singing about suicide. Her legs whirl around in the air and stuff starts flying off of her -- her number, her glasses, everything -- thanks to centripetal force. Finally Simon stops her, just as she's about to hump the floor, and she pops up, smiling brightly like this was nothing out of the ordinary. "That audition," says Simon, "could take you very far in Hollywood. Just not in this competition." She doesn't know what he means. "You have an appalling singing voice." Paula ventures to say that Yuliya is "sexy," which is as close as our language can come to what she is, and Simon mentions that she might consider trying out for Fatal Attraction III, should it ever be made. Word. She thanks them brightly and bounces out, and you have absolutely no idea what she got out of that. As Paula's admitting that it was pretty much a "great audition," which: agreed, Yuliya interviews that if they want unique, and found her to be unique, then she is at a loss as to why she wasn't put through. Oh dear. Ryan voices over a very mean but very funny "Looks like Yuliya's American Idol journey is over...and the journey home to the Ukraine is just beginning."
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