Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
Naomi Guse (26, Denver), a boring redhead, takes a breath and sings "I Wanna Be Sedated" as though she already has been, and then Jacob Garcia (27, Greenwood Village CO) attempts to do Bo things with his crutches, singing an awful rendition of "Jump, Jive & Wail," which bothers me on all levels simultaneously, and the wonderful purple-haired young man sings really scary devil singing like he's screeching in reverse, like Slayer, and I love it, and am not bored by it at all, and this rocker lesbian says that real rockers don't have to do anything but [Shit? Piss?] on the stage and puke. There's a dreamy poseur and yet another stupid hipster, and then Ryan embarrasses himself in a way which involves throwing the horns.
Chris Daughtry (25, McLeansville NC) is so earnest that it gives me gout. He works at an auto dealership, has been inspired by Bo Bice to rock out on television ("If he can do it, then I should show what I have"), performs with a Christian rock band, and married the mother of a 7- and 5-year-old. She is pretty, and clearly loves him very, very much. She gets misty talking about how much her child groom has given up to be with her, as though he has wild oats, and they love each other very much and it is both sweet and touching and boring as hell. She's better-looking than he is. He's this generic hottie with no characteristics. There's nothing wrong with his face, and certainly not his body, but he's just this shaved-head guy with stupid facial hair. Car dealership guy. He could rob a bank and never get caught. If you didn't see this, what you just pictured is correct. If you did, I defy you to picture him in your mind right now.
He sings "The Letter," an original choice and one sure to distance him from Bo in the judges' minds, but to his credit he sings it all in his own crazy way. He gets the echo treatment, and he really has excellent pitch and control of his voice. He could blow Ace out of the water, that's for sure. Too bad Ace is a lock compared to him -- too much like Bo. I'll be surprised if he makes it past Hollywood. Paula likes how much of his own style he "infused," and Randy calls it "kind of forced" but good, but Simon says it felt "rushed" and is bothered by Chris's bland lack of charisma. The reason I think maybe he's a sleeper hottie is that these guys sometimes grow on you like Joey Potter, like you realize they're good-looking but only after you've looked at them for a month or two and then they get all Eponine on your ass and you kiss them and then everything goes to shit. Simon still says no, so they keep talking, and Simon puts his finger on it, which is that with all the staring during the singing, there was no room for emotion, and he's exactly right: there was zero emotion in the performance, beyond the feeling of nervousness. Just good singing. ["I think he did really well considering that he was visibly about to barf, volcanically, the entire time." -- Sars] And I think this is why the lack of charisma, actually. He comes out of the room with the paper hidden in his hat, which I do hate, and everybody cheers. Get used to seeing him sing for awhile, and then lose.
Heather Cox (21, Jonesville NC) sings "You Raised Me Up" competently. Angela Garcia (25, Hobbs NM, holla!) has the braces happening; her hair is the same color as her face, not to mention icky, sparse, and crispy; and her outfit is...confusing. But I couldn't hate her for any of that, no. Then she starts singing "Rush, Rush." Needless to say it's crappy; how could it not be? She's not terrible, but she's miles from good. Of course Simon says it's "better than the original," and Paula attacks him yet again, this time with a pen. Not many people know this, but it was the chronic pain that got her thrown out of the Central Intelligence Agency. She could kill him twenty ways with that thing.
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