Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
Shit. Figures it would be the home stretch. Meet Nick "Flawless" McCord (25, Athens GA) who starts telling lies immediately: "People call me 'Flawless.'" No, they don't. "I felt like if I had one of the sooth song I might as well go ahead and call my something my my name something that it should be named which is very appropriate which thereforth is Flawless was developed out of my mind." If you haven't caught on to what is up here, I will tell you that he has five outfits with him, all of which are pajamas with clam diggers, all of which have matching hats, all of which were made from a very simple pattern by his mother, to which he refers as both "comfortable" and..."lingering." He calls himself an "artrapitterpeneur," and says that he cleans houses. Then he picks his nose. His business is called Paradise Cleaning, and the slogan goes something a little bit like: "You come home with your home and house looking and smelling like paradise." He does not have as many teeth as you might expect of a 25-year-old. He looks like every jail documentary you've ever seen. He is of diminished mental capacity. Isn't that funny?
Also meet Ben Hausbach (24, Pompano Beach FL), who opens with this: "I don't know where I should be right now, but I do know I can sing! La la la!" Ben introduces us to one of his many patents, the Cosmic Coaster, which is designed to dump your drink in your lap through the power of magnets. Ben would like somebody to beat him at chess, because it has been a good long while since that happened. This is so sucky, this is like...if they think this is what is wonderful about Adam Pratt, fuck them. This is not wonderful. This is horrible. This is just stupid people and chromosome mishaps and crazy people, and it's not fair. Ben and Flawless meet and shake hands, just like Adam and Dirk did, and it's like...Adam and Dirk : Ben and Flawless :: Stand By Me : a John Waters movie of your choice. Ben tells us his intelligence intimidates people, then they talk like morons for a while, and Flawless's "slogan" is discussed at length ("It's kind of a tongue-twister, because I wanted it that way") and Ben says he's a triple threat: singer, actor, inventor. Fuck this. I'm not on a high horse about it, I just cannot believe right now that this is what America wants to look at. Hilarious retards and the hilarious mentally ill. Again.
This is depressing. Flawless needs teeth, and cannot tell Randy for sure how old he is, because it changes every year. He will be singing "Your Song," one of my personal favorites, because of course he is; I'm surprised he's not singing "Rush, Rush." He breathes for a while, and then makes up both the lyrics and the melody, repeating over and over words from the song, choosing them at random, as Simon stares into space and plays with his lip, Paula looks tired, and finally it's over and Randy laughs. Simon dicks around that possibly a different outfit would have helped, but then admits that it was the worst they heard in Denver.
Ben Hausbach enters and shows them the Cosmic Coaster, and Paula teaches him the word "prototype" and wonders if it will look more "cosmic" later, which for some reason cracks me up. Ben sings "If I Only Had A Brain," and Paula sings along. Would you believe me if I told you that was the punchline? Ben sings like Kermit the Frog and Paula starts dancing around, waving her pen like a maestro, and he reprimands her for phasing out before he got to "the good part" and Simon starts talking shit about the singing, the coaster, et cetera, then calls him "hopeless." Ben says that they haven't given him a chance "to evolve," which cracks them up. Simon's hair looks like hell. They dismiss Ben and Paula apologizes that at least he's "engaging," and he asks her if she wants to get engaged. She does not. Both guys give raving, dull interviews and it's finally over.
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