Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
The repulsive Crystal Parizanski (16, Palatine IL) stands with her disgusting mother (Anna: "Which one's the mom? I dare you to tell me which one's the mom.") and talks about nothing, absolutely nothing, and they are so effed-up-looking and dead inside, and she's got fake blonde hair and a pound of makeup and skin like walnut trailer paneling and nothing happening inside, but she says "I listen to music every day" and that she is practically the next Xtina because she has "attitude, like, [she's] going to do it no matter what." Mom looks like Anne Rice after fucking the National Football League on top of a tall mountain of cocaine. She wanders in and babbles stupidly for awhile before asking if she needs to explain anything. Right then you could bring her mom out and they'd go, oh, okay. Yes, says Simon, the tan. "Okay," she says, "My name is Crystal, I just turned…" No, I want to hear about your suntan. "Okay, I'm singing 'And I'm Telling You by…" No. No, no. I want to hear about your suntan. "Oh, my tan?" See, right then I would say, "Get out," but that's not how this show rolls. Paula just laughs and looks utterly creeped out. I am sorry, Mikalah Gordon. I love you. "[The fake tan] is not of main importance here," she giggles. She's like if Paris Hilton and Elizabeth Pha had a crack baby. A baby made of crack.
Simon's like, "It kind of is? Because you're scary to look at with the eyeballs." She giggles, "Yeah, whatever." Randy's like, "Just sing. God." Then a horrible screeching mess happens. Even Paula starts looking like Carolyn Kepcher in the face of this. After a long, long time she says, "I'm going to...have to...stop you." She shakes her head, and Randy also begs. Simon asks where the mother's place is, in this, and whether her mom is okay with the Prostitute Barbie look, and Crystal gets even more attitude-y with him. They send her out for her mom, and Paula whispers that she was afraid he was going to do that, because she saw the mom outside, and she's just as bad if not worse. The gross mom comes in -- doped up or naturally near-comatose, hardly matters at this point -- and the judges start laughing because now it's just gotten horrific, and the mom has worse conversational skills than her daughter, and they fight the judges about nothing at all, just about life, and Paula's getting more and more irritated, and finally when Crystal starts yelling at the judges, Paula throws them both out -- awesomely! -- and the judges all just stare at each other and shake their heads, and are sad about America.
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