Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
Yvette Gomez (27, Hayward CA) is dancing, dressed like Charmed, and her shirt is bouncing around weirdly. Not at the top part, where shirts like that are meant to bounce, but down at the hem, where her number is. It's creepy, and it goes on and on. She's pretty and seems fun, and speaks really well, really charismatically. She sings "How Come You Don't Call Me," by Alicia Keys, and I start screaming for Anna to drop the damned baby and come running, because that's her favorite Alicia Keys song and the only one I can stand. We call it the "stop touching me" song, because at one point, out of nowhere, her voice goes deep and she sings, "'Cause you're touching me" and it's super-creepy. Sadly, Yvette is not singing it in a pretty way, because she doesn't have the best voice in the world, and her shirt is still going crazy, and she's trying so wicked hard and it is not good and it won't end. AND she doesn't even sing the "stop touching me" part, which is like the point of the song. I really very much like her. Simon explains that the apostrophe won't pick up the phone "because he can hear you sing" and that it was terrible. She disagrees, and Randy must support Simon that it is bad. Simon makes fun of her and she leaves, and does her exit interview just poised and beautiful and cool. Simon says, "Imagine a bag with nine cats in it dropped in boiling water," and then makes this yowling noise that...
Okay. Step back with me for a sec. I never thought I would discuss Ryan Seacrest's genitalia with you, because he has none, and yet I've mentioned his Ken doll junk at least two times in this recap. And you know I got a concussion at the Veronica Mars event in Austin last weekend, to go with my unstoppable viral infection. (And managed to have an amazing time anyhow. TWoP people are awesome people.) I'm telling you this not for pity, but to illustrate something very important: I was not in my right mind until yesterday. So when I tell you that I found Simon Cowell making cat noises fairly attractive, you understand that my judgment was impaired, yes? Not to mention that it's incredibly close to something that I wrote last year, nine cats in boiling water v. two cats in a garbage disposal. Not the most original concept, I'll grant. Still. Suspicious. Maybe that had bearing on my delight at the cat noises. I cannot say. Maybe Simon's reading this right now, and tomorrow I will answer the phone and he will be making that noise, and I'll have to scramble and change my address and everything. I don't want to talk about it anymore except to say that it happens several more times over the next few minutes, and I seem to think it's cute each time, and each time it is to me like a most beautiful poem of love.
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