Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
Oh! No need. Lisa Tucker is in the house! Lisa Tucker (16, Anaheim) is the star of a movie we now get to watch, entitled Lisa Tucker Blows Your Brain Out With Love, and it's all about a girl named, coincidentally, Lisa Tucker, who is super-great, was a joy to her parents and anyone who met her from birth, who is loved by her parents. She has a gorgeous mother, and is really sweet and entirely too self-possessed and well-spoken for such a youngster. She sings "One Moment In Time" by Whitney Houston, a role model on whom we could all once agree. This deep smoky voice comes blowing out, accompanied by a National Anthemic echo, the first time this season, as though merely by singing she has freaked out the concept of acoustics. Luckily, she's good enough that nobody minds. Simon is flabbergasted, admitting that he "loathes" 16-year-olds on principle, but that she's the best one they've ever had. She graciously thanks him. Randy and Paula are equally blown away, although less eloquent about it, and they give her a "thousand percent yes." Simon refers to her as "sailing through to the next round," and outside, Ryan is clearly and legitimately happy for her -- she downplays the critique and he corrects her to her parents proudly: "The best 16-year-old. Ever!" He loves her.
Patrick Fletcher blows my mind with his geographic skills, drawing a map of the United States from memory. I can't even find Austin on a map of Texas. We keep seeing Patrick's face in the crowd and shots of auditioners, but never his audition. He has a lantern jaw and generally looks like those Superman and Batman cartoons. Like Nissan made a boy. This hot gymnastics enthusiast tries to teach Ryan to do some kind of flip in the air, and then a creepy boy does a creepy dance. We meet Amanda Berg (17, Northglenn CO), who very seriously explains the gymnastics move she herself invented, the "Banana," which she describes as a "Worm" that went awry on her once. Basically it looks like those rolling Escher bugs. She tells the judges that in ten years, she aspires to be Whitney Houston, and everybody needs to have a dream, but you should be more specific. She sings through her nose and looks really uncomfortable, shaking and pivoting back and forth about twice a second as she sings. It's nerve-wracking, but she seems nice. She's singing about how you "Can't Fight The Moonlight," but it seems clear she's fighting something. She has a country look. She gives herself a six out of ten, Simon subtracts five and a half for her, and really: how awesome would it be if she broke out the Banana right now?
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