Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
After that ad where the girl finally calls the guy, which tends to make me cry ("I'm so glad he had bars! He's very good looking! They are a good match!"), we learn the Chicago total, which is 34, and includes: Big Guy In Red Hat, Celena Rae, Skinny Black Chick, Awful Crimped Hair, Lots Of Necklaces And Barrettes, Green Polo And Denim Shrug, Crazy Braids Like Those Guys In The Second Matrix, Crazy Screaming Blonde Girl, Adorable Blonde with Glasses, Bad Bangs And Big Earrings, and Overexcited In Black Hat. Crimped Hair and Red Hat run screaming downstairs, and the losers are sad. This girl who was a witness to the whole Hater/Hollywood fight tells the cameras to go away, and she's still wearing a sparkly silvery thing on her head, like a necklace she couldn't quite fit over her melon, or else like she's secretly Liv Tyler, Princess of Elves.
Then, "Lady Marmalade." There's this chick with intensely articulated hips clicking herself around like a G.I. Joe; a creepy man in Tina Turner drag; a very bouncy girl in a too-small jacket, clapping with no energy; Elvira's sullen teenage niece; a person in a shiny black shirt; an idiot with American flag bandannas hanging from his pants, and a towel; a white pantsuit; the shapeless Princess of Elves; a very stretchy shirt; the "shave your beard" guy (which gives you some more background on how that really went down); an ill-informed girl with glasses and a freaky red dress sewn together with a black dress; the Poet guy in a Ruben shirt; a girl who looks like the country version of Portia De Rossi with a confusing ugly ruffled top; Yvette "Shirt Attack" Gomez with a knit cap somewhat diminishing her beauty; a guy who's not even a hipster, like a wannabe hipster -- shirt tucked in on one side only, sunglasses indoors, crushed velvet jacket, pink shirt, orange tie, fake and bake, you know what I'm talking about; four people (including a girl from earlier who got through); an even worse hipster dude that I will totally slap when I get a chance; a white hoodie and baseball cap with black parachute pants; three girls in various weird clothes, including Shirt Attack again, and possibly prom dress with a whole other thing on top; Assyrian Elvis swinging his tassels; aggressive cleavage and lipstick and a painful look; eight people, two of whom we haven't seen, including one guy with one eye closed, giving him this very awesome Compton pirate look, and then...hot mess Crystal. Singing FOR. EVER. It's funny, and the unendingness of it is not really a bad thing, especially if you've had a beer, which I did when this whole thing started, but...this shit was two hours. Two hours I have to watch. And actually pay attention the whole time. You know?
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