Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
Randy calls the Brittenum twins (27, Memphis) "dudes," and they squeak with laughter and then do that creepy Sarah Silverman same-voice-at-once talking that twins do. They sing an original song that does not suck at all -- they have great voices, wonderful harmony. There are not many people ever on this show that I would listen to on purpose, but these are two. Unless they stole my identity, then it might get awkward. Paula also thinks the whole act was really cool, and then they do their solo thing. First is Terrell, who interrupts her accolades to start singing "My Girl," beautifully, with this very old-school Nat King Cole stuff happening, and then Simon asks the other one if he's going to sing "My Guy," which is admittedly funny, and everybody laughs because everybody knows the real deal here. Derrell sings "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" and Randy and Terrell clap along, and Terrell joins in on harmony a little bit, like he forgot it was a solo, but it doesn't really matter because they are both really good singers. They talk about how most twins on the show suck, or are creepy in other ways, and they get through to Hollywood unanimously. As the first successful audition in the season and the show, they are within their rights to run screaming through the streets about it, but I can't really join in. There's a middling funny bit where they run back and forth in front of the camera with different groups of randoms running and screaming along with them, but I bet those passersby stopped laughing when they found out their credit history was trashed.
Randy and Paula bitch at Simon about how mean he's being, which would make more sense if we'd seen him being mean yet. It's weird. This dental assistant girl talks about how hot Simon is and how she loooves him and whatever, whatever lady, because her boyfriend is ten times hotter than effing Simon. She tells us there's more to dental assistance than "the suctioning of saliva," which if you even say it stops being true, and we see her performing in a band called Catfight. Yeah. Meet Gina Glocksen (21, Naperville IL), and see her sing "The Power Of Love" by Celine Dion. She's got a good voice, a lot smaller range than she thinks, but mostly I'm just concerned: why you wanna sing Celine Dion in front of people? There's not a damn thing right with the woman except her obnoxious voice, which is technically awesome, so why go there? (Oh dude, have you seen that Anne Geddes book where Celine Dion dresses up like vegetables and poses with other people's babies also dressed up like vegetables? It's the most fucked-up thing in maybe the universe. You can find it in your Photography/Fine Art section; at least, that's where I find it every time I'm in a bookstore.) Gina teaches me that "The Power Of Love" is the same song as the "I'm your lady" song, which thing I did not know, because I could have sworn they were two different songs. Like, you could have made an easy $20 off me in a bar bet with that fact. Too bad that now, you cannot. Thanks, Gina. They put her through and everyone cheers, even an infant. The infant is not dressed as a vegetable. This child is not incredibly well-dressed or anything like that, it's just a normal baby, but at least it is not a food.
Then comes the bad singing of Gina Noriego (21, Chicago), who sings words from "Blue Moon," the few of them she knows, in no particular order, maybe twenty times before mixing it up with some other song's words, scaring Paula, then goes back to the random gerunds and adjectives from "Blue Moon," then starts crying and runs out. Mandisa Hundley (28, Antioch TN, cool as hell) opens with, "It's just Mandisa. The first name is enough to deal with." Normally a one-name person gets smacked, but that's such a good opener that I love her. She sings "Fallin'" and for once I don't mind hearing that song, which means Mandisa is more powerful than even she herself knows. Simon is deeply in love with her: "Everything I hoped you would be, you were." They all attempt to say yes on Hollywood simultaneously, and fuck it up, and they applaud. Simon cracks a fat joke, and Paula attacks him. Paula compares her to Frenchy, and Simon cracks another fat joke, and Paula attacks him again. Randy laughs like an imbecile the entire time. That one laugh he does, you know it? That's all he's got right now.
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