Episode Report Card Jacob Clifton: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I
By Jacob Clifton | Season 5 | Episode 1 | Aired on 01.16.2006
Hater Girl immediately starts talking shit about the Hollywood girl, of course, all, "I actually heard her sing and I didn't think she was that good," et cetera, and Hollywood Girl is like, "Well, you bring it or you don't." I love it, because it's no skin off her ass to have a dialogue with this freak. The thing is, though, that it's no skin off Hater Girl's ass either, because she's done and she can just go home and have a beer or whatever, but instead she's going to hang around and harass people and get more screen time to show her hater ass all over the place. Hater Girl keeps asking how Hollywood Girl got through, and she tries to explain that you can overcome a not-great voice by having star quality and bringing the performance factor, and a very cute boy on the sidelines goes from fascinated to worried, because this is clearly the wrong answer. Even though it is true -- Hater Girl has bitchface, and you can tell looking at her that she is deeply unhappy. Hater Girl says she is "not trying to hate" on Hollywood Girl, which is a falsehood, and then Hollywood Girl tries to distract her by asking her to sing, but The Truth Is Out There and Hater's not having it, so she tries to get Hollywood to admit that she hates Carrie Underwood too, which thing Hollywood will not do. Finally, Hater sings -- beautifully, which is the best part -- and Hollywood asks if she really does think she's better than her, but Hater just keeps singing, like a nutjob. Hollywood drops the whole issue ("The proof is in the paper!") and takes off. Hater Girl just keeps singing.
So the total for Day One of the Chicago auditions is 19 through to Hollywood, including: a surfer dude with his blond growing out worse than mine, a pretty black girl in a negligee with jeans, a skinny goatee guy, a man in an Izod shirt with a newsboy cap, a pretty girl with cool dreads and giant turquoise earrings, a cute girl in a red scarf, a guy in a fedora who looks like Jordan Peele, and a large jumping bald man. Minutes later, we recap what we just saw, and it's even more boring, but it says "recap" at the bottom of the screen.
Okay, so remember Zachary Smits from a second ago? He's changed his name to David Radford (still 17, now hailing from Crystal Lake IL), and methinks maybe he took some identity thieving notes from the Brittenum boys, because nothing else has changed. He has a cute conversation with Ryan, and sings in the car, and he name-checks everyone that was in, knew, or sold drugs to the Rat Pack, and he tries to be sexy into the camera, and his parents dance around in the kitchen while his beautiful mother sings. We went to their kitchen; he's fine. He enters and names some goddamn song by Frank Sinatra, which Simon loves, and he then sings it in that weird swinger voice. It's so weird and wrong -- why do that? Just sing! It's like putting on a Russian accent or something. They talk about how "the package" is great but one-dimensional, and Paula puts him through, and they talk about how he needs to learn to sing pop and not whatever the hell that fake crap is. Randy says that he can sing like Michael Bublé or Josh Groban, like that's a fucking plus, and they all eventually give in, but they plead with him to stop sucking immediately. Paula starts to say that Simon is going to cut him in Hollywood, but he hasn't left yet, so she has to dismiss him before she can finish her pronouncement of doom. Then she and Randy laugh about how screwed he is.
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