Episode Report Card Erin: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Get it on. Bang a Vaughn. Get it on.
By Erin | Season 2 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.11.2003
Then, as a variation on the Mission: Impossible theme plays (I'm serious, J.J. -- your obsession with all things Cruise is getting WAY out of hand), Spy Daddy makes his way over to Cute Tech Guy Rick and asks, "Anything?" Rick yadda yaddas something about Briault and his Peruvian hotel. Rick's cute, but the helium voice has GOT to go. And sometimes? Sometimes, when the light hits him just right, he looks like the Michael Jackson that Michael Jackson WISHES he looked like. By that I mean that he's cute, has smooth white skin and a cleft chin, parts of his face aren't falling off, and he's not dangling a child over a balcony.
Anyway, Jack sees something of interest on the screen and tells Cute Tech Guy Rick to zoom in. He does. D'oh! That's Face Doneaway behind Briault in the picture. Is it just me, or does Face look better in black-and-white fuzzy pixelation? Yeah, that's what I thought. Right, so after figuring out that Face was banging the Briault, Jack stalks off down a hall. Kommandant Kendall follows him. Kendall's all, dude? Are you going to SD-6 to prove that Face blackmailed the Alliance? Jack's all, yeah, how'd ya know? Kendall's all, I should ask you the same thing about how you plan to PROVE this. Jack's all, Monaco, bearer bonds, bank account -- Face stole some serious shit, dude. After arguing with Kendall about his lack of safety at Oops Center and Syd's possible inclusion in the witch hunt, Jack finally stalks off.
Ess Dee Sex. Jack enters the offices and turns sharply around a corner as another one of Face's lackeys enters her office and informs her that Jack Bristow is in the hizzouse! Face, who's just finished shellacking her cheekbones, says, "Seal the exits! No one leaves until we find him! Who monitors closed-circuit?" She tries to get out of her chair, but some of the super glue she used to put part of her scalp back into place has accidentally fallen onto her chair and now she's stuck. "Solvent!" she barks. "I need solvent! And a banana daiquiri! Pronto!"
Meanwhile, Jack's in some computer lab, plugging in Face's account number. Balance? Zero, my friends. Zip. Zilch. Zed. Jack's bummin'. He exits the computer lab and is about to go out the way he came in, but Face's lackey is there to bar the way. Jack's all, uh, can I help you? Jack has obviously forgotten that you can't just come and go as you please when you're the subject of a cosmetic-surgery-fueled witch hunt. The lackey's all, yeah, uh, could you come with us, please? Jack's not fond of this idea, so he turns to...what? Run? Hide? Kill? IT'S SD-6, NOT TARGET, JACKY. Did that big red elevator light take his BRAIN as well as his PICTURE? Jesus. Lackey Boy shoots Jack with a tranq dart, and Victor Garber gives this hilarious sort of pained/panicked look over his shoulder and drops faster than a porn star's panties.
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