Episode Report Card Erin: A | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Get it on. Bang a Vaughn. Get it on.
By Erin | Season 2 | Episode 12 | Aired on 01.11.2003
So, Syd removes her white three-quarter-length coat, and the owner takes it as Syd and Vaughn take their seats. Syd's wearing a casual outfit of white scooped-neck-for-convenient-kissing shirt and not-too-difficult-to-remove tan jeans, while Vaughn's sporting a dark-color-that-accentuates-my-inherent-sexiness-shirt and a leather just-makes-me-seem-dangerous-and-therefore-bang-able jacket. The owner drops a couple of menus in front of them and disappears. The restaurant is romantic and seems to have a running soundtrack of jazzy yet not entirely stale music on the sound system. Think St. Germain or Koop and you'll be on target. Vaughn gives Syd a full-on smile, and it is so cute that I was actually yelling, "OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO CUTE!" at the screen. Syd just kind of smiles uncomfortably and opens her menu. Yeah. She's freaking just a little bit. She looks at her menu and then glances up at him. He looks at his menu and then glances up at her. They both look down at their menus. They both pretend to actually consider the menus. Then they both look back up at each other. Then they look back down at their menus. Vaughn starts to say something. Syd kind of looks down at her menu and then makes a decision. "I think wine would help the situation," she says, snapping shut her menu. "I was just thinking the same thing," says Vaughn directly after her, signaling the owner in a panic.
God, yes, wine would help the situation. So would an Ecstasy enema or something. Jesus! And I thought that I was uptight! Julio! Did you send the car for Owen Wilson? He'll be at the airport in a half hour, Julio! Get on it! And while you're at it, check the vegetarian lasagna and open the wine. It has to BREATHE. Oh, for god's sake, Julio. Stop crying. STOP CRYING. Viggo's not coming back. EVER. You'll like Owen, though. He knows big words and he loves hash brownies. Trust me. Mommy wouldn't steer us wrong. NOW SEND THE CAR!
In a lovely juxtaposition, as Vaughn and Syd are contemplating their wine selection, over in Cellblock Seduction, Irina's pouring herself a glass of water. She and Jack are hanging out at a table strewn with papers and food cartons. Aw. Do you see how they did that? They're putting Vaughn and Syd on the same playing field as Jack and Irina! Vaughn and Syd, out on a date. Jack and Irina, IN on a date. It's all so cute and sweet and twisted and wrong and not of the Lord. "There must be a dozen ways to blackmail the Alliance," Irina purrs to Jack, who's just finished the last egg roll, "all of them far less elaborate than this one." "So, we can assume," says Jack, flipping through papers and getting his greasy fingerprints all over them, "a secondary objective to make Arvin suffer. Someone harboring an acute hatred...meaning it could be anyone." Hee. Including YOU Jack? "Does the Alliance have any permanent connections in Peru?" says Irina, looking feral and sexy and, quite frankly, in danger of licking Jack from head to toe. "Peru? No, why?" he asks, wondering why she hasn't licked him from head to toe yet. They blah blah back and forth about how Briault would travel using his credit card, except when he went to Lima six times this past year. He also declared, like, seventy thousand in cash. Irina's all, why? What's he doing with all that cash? And how can I get my hands on it? There's even more blah blah-ing about the whole Peru thing. Yawn. Point? Briault was hiding something. Care? Not me.
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