Episode Report Card Erin: F | 1 USERS: C- YOU GRADE IT Did I mention the ass?
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.14.2004
I honestly don't know what's going on, and I'm too bored to care. There's something involving an uplink or something, and Jack has to go with Syd and Vaughn in order to provide the uplink. Or something. Yawn. Once the Terrible Trio is airborne, we have to deal with the awkward topic of The Kiss That Ate Korea. Syd and Vaughn are sitting opposite each other, making small ops tech talk. Finally, Vaughn brings up the fact that Syd requested Weiss for the last mission. He understands why she did it. Syd's all, dude? Every day I wish I could go back in time. But I can't. Because, if I could, I would TOTALLY tell Francinator to stop wearing that goddamn clown makeup, and I definitely would have shot her in the head right around the weird Tie Incident of 2002.
Syd goes on to say how, even though she still has feelings for him, she will NOT be the other woman. Not even if Vaughn buys her candy. And lingerie. And a car. And an island. Vaughn just quietly asserts that he knows that. Aaaand...that's it. That's the scene. Nothing more dramatic than that. S'over. And Jack enters to take our attention away from a completely flat scene that needs an injection of Sloane's green goo STAT. He states that the microdisk, or dot, or whatever they're looking for is in the cork of a wine bottle in the wine cellar of the chalet. Yeah, he says some other shit, but all YOU need to know is that they have to get into the wine cellar. Of the chalet. Which is impossible to get into. EVER.
We head to Salzburg, where a cell phone is ringing. Lauren and her eyeliner pick up. She and Vaughn have a rather fake conversation involving "I love you"s and "I'll make you dinner"s and plenty of other stupid shit. As Lauren fakes it with her husband, Sark strangles some dude on a bed. Heh. Lauren's eyeliner hangs up the cell phone, and Lauren goes over to the now dead dude and takes his watch. She and Sark share a sort of lustful look; then she walks off, with Sark watching her ass retreat. Then, because there's not nearly enough of this awful episode to fill a one-hour slot on ABC, the camera lingers on the beauty that is David Anders for a solid twenty-two seconds. I'm not really complaining, mind you. But I do think it's terribly sad that the powers that be have resorted to extended shots of pretty boys to pad their dreckful episodes.