Episode Report Card Erin: F | 1 USERS: C- YOU GRADE IT Did I mention the ass?
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.14.2004
The Swiss Chalet. Unfortunately, it's not the Swiss Chalet with the wine and cheese and crackers. Jack's camped out in some bushes, about three inches away from some guards who are too busy earning their SAG cards to notice his existence. He gets on the horn and tells Marshall he's in position. Elsewhere on the property, Syd and Vaughn jump down from somewhere and ask Jack to confirm their position or something. Jack does, then does that uplink thing. Honestly. No idea. Don't care. When this season stops sucking is when I'll care again.
Jack's uplink thing allows Marshall access to the security system. I guess. Syd and Vaughn open up the entrance to the Lethal Response System Tunnel Of Love and inform Marshall and Jack that they're in position. Marshall does something to sever the LRSTOL zone signals from the main security system so that the guards won't know they're on the premises. Or something. Unfortunately, Syd and Vaughn only have five minutes to get through the LRSTOL, grab the wine, and head back out to civilization. Syd just grits her teeth and tells Marshall to start the clock.
And now we're treated to this totally useless "suspenseful" and "action-filled" sequence that makes no sense whatsoever and seems to go and on and on until the end of time. Syd and Vaughn inflate the Kevlar decoys and drop them down, and the guns go off. And off. And off. And off some more. Until they're completely out of bullets. Then Syd and Vaughn move to the next zone. They have four minutes left. Looks like that's just enough time for the writers to chew on a couple more 'shrooms and reintroduce Carrie and her Baby On Demand.
That's right. Carrie enters. And "it's time." Yes. THAT time. No, I'm not kidding. Now, as one of the posters pointed out, unless her water broke about four hours ago and she's actually feeling the baby's head pokin' at her pokin' at her, she really shouldn't have to worry about anything for another hour or so. What I'm saying is, SHE SHOULDN'T BE IN THIS SCENE. Not that I don't like the character or the actress or anything, but Syd and Vaughn only have four minutes to complete this mission, and unless the women in Carrie's family give birth in four minutes or less, I'd say she could've hung out for a few minutes until the op was over. But she didn't. And she's here. And she's giving birth. And she wants Marshall to marry her now. And that means that Agent Sean has to get a marriage license. On the internet. While Syd and Vaughn are at some Swiss chalet, dealing with lethal booby-traps. And we, the collective audience, are at home, staring at our screens with our mouths open, going, "WHAT IN THE FUCK HAVE THEY DONE WITH MY ALIAS?"