Episode Report Card Erin: F | 1 USERS: C- YOU GRADE IT Did I mention the ass?
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.14.2004
Sark wants to stage a coup. He knows of three Covenant cell leaders, thinks Lauren knows the other three, and thinks they should eliminate them all. The saleslady returns just then, and Sark opens the door. After a jaunty little repartee with the French saleslady, she leaves, handing Sark a black dress, which he then passes on to Lauren. God. It's even boring writing about it. Lauren puts the dress on as Sark explains that, once they eliminate the cell leaders, they'll head to St. Petersburg to meet with the head of the Covenant. Lauren's all, why? So he can kill us easier? Good question, Lauren. No, it's just so we can hang out with Quentin Tarantino again. Some more. Oh, and because the cell leaders all have these watches that contain the keys to their secret headquarters, and once you and Sark eliminate the leaders, you'll have all the keys, and that'll force your ascension in the Covenant, and if Quentin doesn't like it, you'll just threaten him that you'll take the keys to the CIA if he doesn't comply. You know, because that MAKES SENSE and all. Lauren pulls a red dress off the rack and asks Sark what color her husband would prefer. "I prefer the black," smirks Sark. "Red it is," says Lauren. I prefer that this scene had never taken place. Can you make THAT happen, Lauren? Can you? CAN YOU?
After the commercial, we join Syd and her dinner: a beer and a microwaved plate of pasta...and more pasta. What in the hell kind of dish is this? It looks like it has zucchini and some ziti and some more ziti and there are two partitions but everything's everywhere and we know all this because there's ACTUALLY A CLOSE UP OF THE DAMN FOOD and does that even make sense? Like, is this supposed to indicate just how sad Syd is without Vaughn? She's so sad that she's reduced to eating big plates of microwaved pasta of which Dr. Atkins would not approve? And how sad is it that I've actually wasted a whole paragraph on the dilemma of "Why is Syd eating crappy microwave Lean Cuisines?" I'm so bothered by this entire "plate o' pasta" problem that I actually yell at the screen, "JUST DRINK THE BEER! SCREW THE PASTA! LESS CARBS!"
Ah, well. The doorbell rings, and Syd puts down the beer she's been swilling and goes to answer it. It's Spy Daddy. Syd's all, hey! Did you come to talk about the Lost Years or the Sydbaldi Baby Situation? Jack's all, no, honey. We're done with THOSE storylines! I've come to talk office trash, and I've even brought along some kung pao chicken. Thank GOD Syd has something to eat besides the Peruvian Pasta & Pasta Smart Choice meal. Later, Syd and Jack share some sesame shrimp and chat about Toni Cummings and how she's operating out of a high-end club down in Athens. I'm assuming that's Athens, Greece, not Athens, Georgia, because I don't really think there are a lot of high-end clubs in Athens, Georgia. Unless R.E.M. started one or something. Because that would be cool. Jack tells Syd that she and Vaughn are going in as South African diamond smugglers. Oh, man. I can't WAIT to see the accents they attempt to pull off for that one. I have a BFA in acting, had four years of dialect training, can do pretty much every accent from here to Transylvania, and I am STILL stumped on South African. And Charlize "I Learned To Speak English From Cartoons" Theron is no help whatsoever.