Episode Report Card Erin: F | 1 USERS: C- YOU GRADE IT Did I mention the ass?
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.14.2004
Apparently, we needed it to show, once again, that Jack Bristow will do anything (and kill anyone) just to save his daughter's ass. Just as Syd and Vaughn exit the tunnel, two guards show up and are about to shoot the kids when Spy Daddy jumps in and drops the guards with two shots. The three of them make for the rendezvous point, and Marshall copies that. Then he's all, oh, shit. I gotta go. My wife's having a baby. Then Syd actually gets on the horn and goes, "Congratulations." Like it's part of the op. Like busting in and out of an armed chalet is nothin'! Like I can't BELIEVE how BAD this is!
And we're back in Zurich. Sloane's enjoying a nice cold glass of Rambaldi Life Juice when Dr. Nancy enters, totally pissed off for some reason. She totally blah blahs and blahs some more about having studied Sloane for her postdoctoral dissertation. The whuh? She keeps going, saying she understands him or something. I have NO idea why this scene is even necessary. Dr. Nancy wants to help Sloane. Sloane just wants to drink his water and inject his green goo in peace.
Then we're with Sark and Lauren again, continuing their Horrible Reign Of Watch-Napping. Lauren's all, I'll head to Hell-Lay. You head to St. Petersburg and chat with the head of Covenant operations. Sark's all, you worried I'll fail to include your role in all this? Lauren's all, nah. Especially since I'll be taking the watches with me, Smarty-Pants. For some reason, this yanks Sark's chain, and he lays one on her. They make out for a couple seconds; then Lauren kind of glares at him and leaves. Yeah. She has the chemistry of a garden hose.
Aaaand we're back with Sloane and Dr. Nancy. Now he's saying he manipulates people and he's good at it. He lies, he keeps secrets, he divulges only what he must in order to elicit the reaction he needs. I think this last part is going to be important here in the near future. "One of those secrets affects the only two people I care about in the world," he says. "Sydney and Jack Bristow." He blah blahs some more about secrets and how there's power in the secrets that you keep, but this Syd/Jack secret wears on him. "It's central to my very existence," says Sloane. "It's...who I am." Then, instead of spilling the oh-so-central secret, Sloane just looks down at the floor. Dr. Nancy's all, dude? You were saying? Sloane's all, uh, yeah, about that. Thanks for coming in and looking pretty in your gray turtleneck sweater, but I can't do this. At least, I can't do this until the next episode, when I'll reveal something to you that has everyone who's NOT spoiled going, "GASP!"
St. Petersburg. Sark's hanging out in what looks like a big ballroom or something. He goes to pour a glass of champagne and a door somewhere opens. Quentin Tarantino (a.k.a. "Shovelhead") walks in with a bottle of champagne and a nice, big stogie in his mouth. Shovelhead's all, dude! Whassup! Your hair! Now that's cool! Sark's confused. "You're the man behind the Covenant?" he asks. "I'm the man," says Shovelhead, pouring champagne, "in front of the man." The whuh? In the whuh whuh? What is THAT supposed to mean? Lord almighty.