Episode Report Card Erin: F | 1 USERS: C- YOU GRADE IT Did I mention the ass?
By Erin | Season 3 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.14.2004
While Syd's pouring her heart out to a CIA-sanctioned psychiatrist, Vaughn's spending some quality time with Agent Sean. Too bad that Agent Sean's idea of "quality time" involves beer and pool and telling Vaughn that he's a jackass. He pretty much just says, dude? Whaddaya want me to tell you? Leave your wife for some hot spy ass? Or stay in a loveless marriage? Vaughn's wimpily states that he's not in a loveless marriage. Sean's all, yeah, whatever, dude. Your wife's a skag and you have no chemistry. Vaughn's all, do you think you can be in love with two people at the same time? Sean's all, no. I don't. Especially when one of them is about to put on a lot of black eyeliner and start making goo-goo eyes at Julian Sark. "However," says Sean, leaning over to take a shot, "I did have those same intense feelings for both Sporty and Posh Spice." "Yeah," says Vaughn, "who didn't?" I didn't. I was a Ginger Spice fan myself. But that's just because she had gingery hair and was chubbier than all the rest. I could get behind a chubby Spice Girl, even if the music was pure dreck. Oh, okay. I liked the music too. "If you wanna be mah lover..."
And now for the eeeeevil portion of the evening. Lauren's in some dressing room, taking off her top. A saleslady knocks and enters with some dresses. Lauren sends her off to look for more dresses. She removes her skirt, revealing a sort of old-style girdle-type thing with garters. Very retro. Also? Very inappropriate for a CIA agent who might have to, oh, I don't know, RUN AROUND at some point? Whatever. There's another knock at the door, and Lauren just tells the person to come in. Unfortunately, it's not the saleslady. Fortunately, it's Sark. We get a close-up of Lauren's face, just so we can confirm for ourselves that she is, indeed, wearing about seven layers of black eyeliner, making her the eeeeevilest woman on the planet. One more layer and she could even give Francinator a run for her money.
Sark says something about Lauren being such a good actress (ha!) that, back in that parking garage, he almost believed that they weren't working for the same organization. Then there's this truly ooky moment where Sark asks Lauren if she wants to get dressed and she sort of mock-seductively says no, she's fine as she is, but would HE like her to get dressed? He's all, uh, no, I can look at your boobies while we discuss all things eeeeevil. Speaking of eeeeevil, says Sark, let's chat about how we're both fed up with taking orders from the goddamn Covenant. Nice move, by the way, putting a couple bullets in my dear old dad. Lauren manages an expression that says, ooooh, dude. Sorry about that. You gonna kill me now? Nah. Sark's more concerned with how he's bankrolling the Covenant's entire operation whilst being treated as little more than a foot soldier. Lauren's all, why come to me with this? Sark's all, because I like your boobs in that bra. Mind if I nuzzle your neck a bit? Lauren just looks off, bored that this hot guy with the buzz cut would even entertain putting his face near her clavicle. Sark could manufacture chemistry with a kumquat, I do believe, but his powers of seduction are no match for the chemistry-free-zone that is Lauren Reed.