Episode Report Card M. Giant: C- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT It's a Little Funny
By M. Giant | Season 3 | Episode 25 | Aired on 08.30.2004
On to the speeches. A Hispanic girl gives her teary, bilingual address; the Math Club Madman with the typewritten index cards quotes JFK, and Matt lets out a huge guffaw, which puts a stop to the speech for a moment. I'd like to think he's laughing at the brazen clichéd-ness of using the quote, but we know better. Then it's Matt's turn. He gazes spacily at his index cards. "I'm not bilingual," he flounders, "and I certainly can't quote JFK, can I, Ryan." Dude, it was a bad idea before Ryan did it. Matthew now pulls the only oratorical trick that's more played than quoting JFK: he throws away his notes. The audience gasps as if they care. Matthew launches into his speech all unprepared, because it's not like he's ever done that before. I'm not going to transcribe the whole thing, but it's basically a lot of shit about how moral fiber is really finding someone you care about and fighting for her, and how the juice is worth the squeeze, and Spawn feels all special, and his whole, big, potentially life-changing speech lasts about a minute and when he's done he gets a standing ovation and oh my God please make it stop.
Skipping to the end of the ceremony, the emcee announces the winner: it's the Math Club Madman. Man, I would have thought that hackneyed JFK quote was a killer, but I guess I was wrong. The kid goes up to the stage to accept his big certificate marked SCHOLARSHIP and everyone applauds, including Matthew, who's flashing back to his earlier flashbacks about getting accepted to Georgetown and his Bright Leader award. It's a flashback to a flashback. It's a meta-flashback. The point being, Matthew's a big loser. And it's safe to say his buzz is killed.
Matthew goes to the bank to tell Jeannie he'd like to close the Samnang account since that worthy will be arriving on Monday. Jeannie cheerfully explains, "Your teacher came by yesterday and cleared out the account." 'Cause, you know, Matthew was there with Guido 2.0 the other day and introduced him as his student advisor for no fucking reason except so that we could have this even stupider scene right here. Cut to Guido 2.0 driving down the road, cackling around his golden-cock-sized cigar to the tune of "Sweet Home Alabama." Cut to Cambodia, where Samnang weeps over a letter from America, telling his mom, "That Matthew Kidman. He fucked me, Mom. He fucked me so bad." Don't take it personally, Samnang. Matthew's bad at everything.
Back to Matt at the bank counter, freaking out. Jeannie asks him what's wrong. What do you think is wrong, moron? You gave his twenty-five grand to a stranger. Do they not train people at this bank? Matthew asks her, "Didn't you ask for ID or anything?" Jeannie's still not getting it: "You said he was your student advisor." Jeannie finally twigs that something just might be up, and she turns away to get the manager, which sounds to me like an eminently good idea, but Matt calls her back and explains that Guido 2.0 is really not his student adviser. She's shocked and pissed, because she's stupid. Matthew tells her they need to keep it between the two of them, and even tries a little desperate flirting, which only offends her and sends her on her huffy way towards the manager's desk. Matthew intercepts her coming around the counter and lays it out for her: "This is your fault too…You didn't ask for ID, you didn't do anything. And I saw you flirting with him, too, all right? So unprofessional. You're going to lose your job over this." All of which is true, except that first "too," but she comes right back at him: "I am not getting fired over this." Oh, I guess she's safe then. Matthew backs off because he's an idiot, and tells her no one can know or he'll get expelled. "If that money isn't back by Monday, I wouldn't worry about getting expelled. I'd worry about going to jail." For saying some dude was someone he wasn't? You idiot bitch, on what possible level is any of this not your fault? I don't know why either of them thinks she has any power at all in this situation, but apparently they both do. Oh, fuck it. It drives the final act, so we have no choice but to follow Spawn's oft-repeated advice and go with it. Matthew tries to finish his freak-out in the bank lobby, but there's a guy at a desk with a sign that says BANK MANAGER on it right there, and he's staring at Matthew suspiciously. What the hell kind of financial institution is this? First the tellers drop $25,000 balances on people without asking for ID, and now the manager doesn't even get an office? Find a real bank, Matthew.
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